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-   -   Help! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53123)

wettoes 08-23-2013 06:53 AM

Help!
 
Hello, all! I'm very new (as in 3 minutes) to the site and, for right now, am looking for advice.

I've always found it very hard to remain monogamous in previous relationships. It has not been for lack of love in the relationship; it's the fact that I get bored very easily. I have not and will not ever cheat on a partner and I have beaten myself up and blamed myself for sabotaging any relationship; thinking it was completely my fault for its demise. It has not been easy and I'm still not sure what will bring me happiness.

My current predicament:
I have a pair of VERY close friends who are married to each other. I can genuinely say I love both of them with all my heart. We have gone on vacations together as well as naming me the godmother of their son. A little over a year ago I had a sexual encounter with my female friend. This has happened maybe 3 other times since then. All followed by: "PLEASE don't tell my husband!" I'm not a fan of lying, but that is something he should hear from his wife, not me. Recently her husband has confessed to having deep feelings, emotional and sexual, towards me, followed by: "PLEASE don't tell my wife!"

As I said, I deeply care for both of them and they both have made clear how they feel about me. I was wondering if anyone had any advice about how to, or even if, I should approach the both of them about polyamory. I really don't want to freak them out with talk that they are not comfortable with. Please help! My head is spinning!

Thank you all!

FindingMyselfInTheGrey 08-23-2013 07:16 AM

My 2 cents as a noob... The way I see it you have three options:

1. End the relationships entirely, no friendships, romances, or acquaintances with either of them. -But this is not something you seem to desire as you care for both persons and want to be with them.

2. Carry on as you have been. -But as you say you hate keeping your intimacy with the wife a secret, so this would mean making a sub choice:
a. Continue your clandestine relationship knowing that you are lying to him about your involvement with his wife.
b. Discontinue your relationship with the wife so that you can move forward with an honest relationship with both of them.

3. Be honest with them about YOUR feelings. Sit them both down (together this time as you have already had separate conversations) and tell them how YOU feel about both of them and that you would like to discuss perusing a relationship with both of them. Then give them time to discuss it together. From there it is up to them as to how they would like to incorporate you into their relationship (or not).

wettoes 08-23-2013 07:31 AM

Thanks!
 
Thank you for your input!

You're right, I don't want to discontinue the relationship. I also don't want to keep lying to someone I love. What I'm worried about is either being completely ostricized for being "sexually deviant" or either one of them being angry for me coming clean about what was said/done by either of them! I have such deep feelings for both of them that I would rather keep my mouth shut than hurt either one of them.

I do feel I should discontinue my romantic relationship with her because it does weigh on me and that's not what love should be.

In your opinion, do you think I should tell both of them about my relationship with her and what he's confessed to me? I just worry about betraying trust and causing discord in their relationship.

AlwaysGrowing 08-23-2013 07:42 AM

Why would YOU need to tell them what their spouse has said/done?

My advice would be come clean to them both (together) about how you feel about each of them. Just YOUR feelings. Don't mention any history that may or may not have encouraged this, just say that it is.

It's not your responsibility to police their behaviour. It is, however, your responsibility to live in a way that makes you feel good and whole as a person, and living a life completely disregarding what you feel is right can't be making you feel good and whole.

fuchka 08-23-2013 07:46 AM

Quote:

What I'm worried about is either being completely ostricized for being "sexually deviant"...
If they ostracise you for this, it would be a bit hypocritical I think! It would be very unfair to judge you for having feelings for them, and for suggesting an open, ethical way of moving forward with those feelings. If you lost their friendship over that, I'd say - their loss (sorry to be blunt. I obviously don't know the people involved. Just my immediate reaction)

Quote:

... or either one of them being angry for me coming clean about what was said/done by either of them!
As you say, you may not have to "come clean" about this.

You could have the conversation about your feelings, and your proposal while leaving it to them to come clean to each other about the history of this.

For example, you could say: "There's something I want to talk with both of you about. Firstly, I value our friendship and my main concern is to be able to continue to have a good friendship with you. However, I feel attracted to both of you... I know this is unconventional but I wanted to put my feelings out in the open. I've been seriously wondering about the possibility that you both may be interested in pursuing an open relationship with me. This is obviously something that you would need to be sincerely okay with, and I don't need you to say anything either way now. Please think about this and talk with each other about this, when I'm not around. Then later we can talk again. It's okay if this is not what you would be into. I trust we can still be friends. I just had to ask, because of the way I'm feeling. I would prefer to have any further discussions with both of you together, so I can feel confident that we're all on the same page."

Sorry, I know that was long... When I have these kinds of conversations, I tend to be quite verbose! :) If you decide to go down this path, no doubt you'll find your own words.

I'd say, if things go well from there, you'd need to make sure very soon into it that everything had been revealed. You don't want to start off with unspoken secrets.

Good luck!

wettoes 08-23-2013 07:55 AM

nervous!
 
Thank you all so much for your kind words of support!

This is the first time I've ever done anything like this and I'm so nervous! Not only about approaching the subject, but of their reactions as well!

LovingRadiance 08-23-2013 08:36 AM

I would plan dinner.
Tell them both after dinner.
I love you both. I am sexually attracted to you both.
I don't want to damage your relationship.
I would like you to co sider the possibility of all of us being lovers.
Here's some links for you to peruse for info on that. I hope you will read them and let me know your thoughts (supply links).

LovingRadiance 08-23-2013 08:37 AM

Go to golden niggets page. There is a thread on books and another i believe on relevant articles. ;) good luck!

Dirtclustit 08-23-2013 08:39 AM

If a friend put me in that position
 
I would have trouble calling them my friend. I know that people who feel attracted to a person, their rational sense goes out the window -- so they might have to be reminded -- because putting you in such a position ("don't tell my spouse") makes it impossible for you to keep an emotionally healthy mind.

That type of necessary "pretending" as in not letting on that you are withholding information that is very pertinent to their life, is not behavior that is a good idea to practice.


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