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-   -   New Partner Sexual Anxiety (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53084)

Glenn 08-22-2013 06:26 PM

New Partner Sexual Anxiety
 
So I occasionally have sexual anxiety issues, not often though. I've already noticed that I am having them with my new partner, though we haven't slept together yet, I realize it will probably continue with her once we get fully frisky.
Any advice on how to handle it? My wife and I discussed role-playing it to help work through the first part of it as much as possible. I know it comes from poor self image and the fact that I have a hard time considering myself attractive to others.

gorgeouskitten 08-22-2013 07:38 PM

I feel badly youve gotten no responses...but im not realyl sure how to respond to this. Have a drink? other things similar to a drink?

Glenn 08-22-2013 07:55 PM

When I used to have them with my wife (was a while ago) alcohol did nothing. I'll actually be going with my wife to her next therapy session (She has depression, which was major, now is very minor, but she still goes because she likes it) and we'll probably chat about it along with all the other new stuff that's been happening on the front.

I really feel my problem is poor self image about my physical appearance, like I know that I am fun and interesting, but I often don't think I am attractive to others, like my wife thinks I am attractive, and that's good, but I find it hard to fold it into the reality everywhere.

Also I should note, I'll be discussing it with L probably before our next encounter to get her familiar with my little hiccup. I generally do well with compliments towards myself, so I figure if I get her a heads up she can make sure it happens. It's a real big confidence booster for me.

LovingRadiance 08-22-2013 08:07 PM

My partner of 20 years has issues and always has. They come and go. Really-I just don't care about the issues (not that I don't care about him).
If he can't get it up, we do other stuff. It's never been a problem. When it gets up-we have intercourse, when it doesn't we don't.

From an emotional standpoint I think this has been helpful for him-because he knows (after all of this time) that whether or not it gets up is really quite irrelevant to me. Sometimes frustrating for him-but irrelevant to me. It has no effect on my sexual satisfaction.

gorgeouskitten 08-22-2013 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glenn (Post 223636)

Also I should note, I'll be discussing it with L probably before our next encounter to get her familiar with my little hiccup. I generally do well with compliments towards myself, so I figure if I get her a heads up she can make sure it happens. It's a real big confidence booster for me.

Well that sounds like a good plan! Ive never dealt with this persay, but i know it has boosted my spouses confidance when i show interest in the things hes interested in in that area

Glenn 08-22-2013 08:23 PM

Well my wife is fine when it does happen, which occasionally occurs for a phase. And while I have no doubt that L will be totally fine as well, it just is bothersome and frustrating as she's really hot and I can't sport an erection . . .

LovingRadiance 08-22-2013 08:39 PM

Yes-GG gets frustrated too. But it helps if you remind yourself that it's not a problem.

Marcus 08-23-2013 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glenn (Post 223645)
And while I have no doubt that L will be totally fine as well, it just is bothersome and frustrating as she's really hot and I can't sport an erection . . .

I find that I get stuck on playing particular roles; "real man", "contributing member of society", "trustworthy friend", "great lover", etc. I can tell when I am getting stuck on a manhood or sex related role because... you guessed it... I can't get it up. When I'm not thinking about it and I am just enjoying myself I usually don't have a problem getting an erection but the moment I get myself all concerned about it I very often fulfill that prophecy.

Instead of having the image of your hard penis "making her happy" maybe try to focus on having a good time. Sometimes my dick is hard and sometimes it isn't, my goal is to not sweat it and to enjoy her body, she can enjoy mine, and I dish out orgasms like it's going out of style. Note: on giving her orgasms, I am doing it because it is fun and I like giving her pleasure - not because it's "the best I can do... sorry"

WhatToDo 08-23-2013 12:07 AM

I have the same issues. With my wife I'm fine, with new partners I think I get so nervous that it just doesn't happen. I've tried Cialis once and it didn't help, I take supplements but I'm not sure that will work either since it's a mental issue not a physical one. The new partner is very supportive but I just can't get it out of my head that I'm letting her down. With time I'm sure I'll be comfortable enough for it not to be an issue with me it's just the process of me getting to that point.

sdguitarguy 08-23-2013 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 223696)
Instead of having the image of your hard penis "making her happy" maybe try to focus on having a good time. Sometimes my dick is hard and sometimes it isn't, my goal is to not sweat it and to enjoy her body, she can enjoy mine, and I dish out orgasms like it's going out of style. Note: on giving her orgasms, I am doing it because it is fun and I like giving her pleasure - not because it's "the best I can do... sorry"

Yup. It happens and this is good advice. I have had the same problem. It is tough to realize that it's all in your head (barring a real medical/pharmacological issue). Your brain is your real sex organ. Pharmacology (Viagra or Cialis) does not trump your brain.

Everyone's experience is different but once I got to the point of not caring if I had a hard on and focused on being in the moment and enjoying myself, I was much more likely to have a hard on. But, also, at that point, it really didn't matter.


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