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-   -   Different approaches to poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5289)

Derbylicious 01-16-2011 01:22 AM

Different approaches to poly
 
This has been an observation of mine both here on line and in my local poly community. I have noticed that there are a couple of different approaches to poly. One way of looking at poly is as a way to grow "family" the other approach seems to be to let relationships with individuals develop as they will, soley as adult relationships. No one way is superior. I was wondering though if anyone has experienced difficulty when dating others who aren't on the same page.

Discuss...

Ariakas 01-16-2011 02:13 AM

when I was in it, I wanted each individual relationship to grow. I am not a "familial" poly person. Communal, free love, cuddle poly environments. In fact, I tended to like when each individual relationship was held almost separately, made individual privacy and discretion easier.

Of course, at this point, my poly relationship failed, so who can really use anything I say as an example hahaha

SchrodingersCat 01-16-2011 04:21 AM

I would add, the type of person who wants a prescriptive hierarchy of relationships. Not sure if you lump that into growing a family. I don't, because it seems a lot of those people keep everything segregated in predefined boxes.

I would say, there is definitely a clash when these different types try to intermingle. They view life differently, want different things from their relationships, and these different things are not really compatible

But isn't it the same story with dating in general, not just poly? I mean, some people date by letting relationships grow organically, other people are looking for a wife/husband, white picket fence, and 2.3 children, and still other are just looking to screw around without forming any romantic attachments.

LovingRadiance 01-16-2011 11:31 PM

YES,
there have been difficulties on account of that for us.

Primarily because I tend to be a "family oriented" and I don't even brush the topic if someone isn't.

More on this later, I gotta go get warm first!

redpepper 01-17-2011 07:58 AM

this is kind of a similar take on this thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ighlight=merge about merged and unmerged poly. I said this back then and it still holds true I think.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 32369)
I would ask of a partner to be graciously considerate and sometimes cautiously invested (for their own good and therefore mine, at least for a time). I would ask them to not expect to be the center of attention in my world all the time, but at times that we can capture and plan. I would ask them to be grateful that they are a part of my life and allow me to be grateful that I am a part of theirs... I would ask them to be humble and to have faith that I care about them, respect their needs, will be their as much and as often as I can and that what will be will be. Faith that I do what I can out of love for them and others in my life that I am merged with.

I think I indicate here what anyone in a poly relationship would come to... that is that my time is my own and I need to be able to do with it as I please. However, if you want to be close to me and the others in my life then that is an option. If you want to live your life by your rules and have me do the same then that is another option and one that I would not be interested in probably. It has nothing to do with "family" persay.

To me different styles are not so much about different requirements but just a different way of being in relationships. I am the same as I was back in the days when I dated and had no family yet. I ask for the same things now as I did then. Just for different reasons. I ask now that a lover consider becoming involved in my life on a certain level. I love my life and I think the people in it are awesome. I wouldn't want someone to be on the outside of that. If they don't like my peeps or are even unwilling to even see if they like my peeps then I doubt it would work for us. I would also want to know who is in their life and become part of that. That isn't anything to do with my kid or my family, and everything to do with how I do relationships.

Jodi 01-17-2011 01:54 PM

in my relationship, i can feel howit's enhanced me as a person, meaning, i feel closer to my boyfriend's children and welcomed in their marriage.

but, i don't feel we are growing as a family...we don't live together, but the husband/ my boyfriend, is so quick to keep our relationship a secret, where as it doesn't bother me. for e.g. at family functions he can't hug me, but will kiss his wife/my dear friend. and it hurts a little bit. but i understand why, they can't risk an upheaval of their children's lives & catholic upbringing.

so, individual & family development are not simultaneous. i hope i got the question right.

booklady78 01-18-2011 02:40 AM

Our poly relationships have developed somewhat separately, although our living arrangements are very close. It's important to me that we're all able to get along, as it's been very nice to be able to share certain occasions, like Christmas and birthdays together. We have socialized as a group before and I have spent some time with just my husbands gf, as it's important to her that we get to know each other. My husband and bf don't seem to have that need, they haven't spent any time together without me, they do get along though.
We're a family of sorts, but we maintain more of a "friendship" with each others partners, not an intimate bond.

polycouple 01-22-2011 04:20 AM

My man, I'll call him Mr, and I have slightly different conceptions when it comes to our ideal poly-relationship. He subscribes to the bdsm-kind of polyamory. He would like a submissive individual to be exclusive to him and I, or anyone else of his choosing. He believes there are people on this earth who genuinely enjoy, feel at home, strive for, subservient positions in relationships, and can find real solace there.

I have a tough time with this. My personal bias is that part of life is gaining autonomy, interdependence, and the confidence to appropriately pursue one's own dream. The thought of someone being submissive to us is arousing in the bedroom, but when thinking about having then be submissive day-to-day it sounds exploitative, and counter to a loving relationship.

I am kinky in the bedroom, not all the time, but can be. The dynamics that take place in a role-play stay in bed (or were ever the action is happening) so to speak. For him they can be a relationship dynamic. We have never found someone that fits us for a LTR. It's a challenge we are both up for though!

TL4everu2 01-22-2011 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 60914)
This has been an observation of mine both here on line and in my local poly community. I have noticed that there are a couple of different approaches to poly. One way of looking at poly is as a way to grow "family" the other approach seems to be to let relationships with individuals develop as they will, soley as adult relationships. No one way is superior. I was wondering though if anyone has experienced difficulty when dating others who aren't on the same page.

Discuss...

Short answer: Yes....we have experienced difficulty when dating others who aren't on the same page. ;)

LovingRadiance 01-23-2011 09:03 PM

One difficulty is that we're primarily a poly-fi group. It's not that we aren't open to adding partners, we are.

BUT;

we have 5 kids at home, so we aren't free to get out a lot, thus inhibiting the ability to have predictably time for anything less than INVOLVED in the family dating.

we aren't looking for just a simple sexual bond, we're looking for someone who would fit in with the family.

we're in a fairly isolated community, an hour from the only "major" social scene.


Our goal to integrate someone into the family combined with the need to take time to be sure that they are actually a FIT for the WHOLE family, seems to be confusing for some people.

The local poly's that we've met are very sex oriented; we love sex, but it's not the key for us. Having the ability to share great sex does not a great roommate make, nor does it make a person a great mesh for being around our children.

The primary issue seems to be the desire to jump in the sack as soon as it's established that there is a physical attraction. It aggravates the living shit out of me personally. It's pretty much a dead-end road if someone offers sex to me before we've established that we're friends AND that Maca, GG and Mimi like them as a person too. That just tells me that they don't respect ME for who I am, they may respect me as a person, but not for who I am.

When it happens with Maca, it makes me roll my eyes. He is very strongly driven by NRE, but then it blows up in his face, because (as I said above) just because someone is a great match for sex, doesn't make them a great match for the family.

Fortunately-it's not an issue with GG, cause he's mono and it's not an issue with Mimi, cause she's not sexual with the three of us.

BUT-there is also the STD issue, because GG, Maca and I are fluid-bonded. It's flat fucking amazing how many people don't want to use barriers. Fucking ANNOYING. I'm thinking-seriously, you don't KNOW ME-what if I HAVE AIDS (which I don't, but how do they know?)


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