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darkmirror 01-15-2011 11:51 PM

Need to learn about Polyamory
 
By way of introducing myself to the board, I am a male in a 30 year marriage. My wife and I have been struggling to reignite the flame in our marariage for years. I can't honestly say that we are still in love with each other. With all of the problems we are having, it's difficult to say the L word. In the mean time, I have met a woman within the last few years who has talked to me about polyamory. She and I could very easily be lovers were it not for the fact that I am committed to my family. I never thought I would find myself in this position. It goes against everything that I have always been taught.

I am searching for answers and polyamory may provide me with some. The problem is that if I brought this to my wife, it would not be a polyamorous relationship because she would not accept it.

The idea of loving freely and openly with more than one person appeals to me very much. But I am so new to this. I hope that I can learn from those on this forum who truly are practicing polyamory and not just looking to hook up.

Thanks.

Charlie 01-16-2011 01:09 AM

Plenty of seats left.
 
Darkmirror, welcome.

We are all here, doing are best to learn from each other while we question quite a few of the things that we have held to be infallible, about ourselves mostly it seems.

Not to speak for anybody else, but I think it's a fair assessment.

Nice to meet you, sir.

darkmirror 01-16-2011 01:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlie (Post 60912)
Darkmirror, welcome.

We are all here, doing are best to learn from each other while we question quite a few of the things that we have held to be infallible, about ourselves mostly it seems.

Not to speak for anybody else, but I think it's a fair assessment.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Thanks. It's good to know that there are other people out there searching for answers as I am.

SchrodingersCat 01-16-2011 03:43 AM

I'm happy to hear you've discovered something wonderful that you would like to have in your life and I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have lost the magic in your marriage.

There's a general consensus in the poly world that your primary relationship needs to be strong and solid before you start adding other people to your life. At this point, even if your wife did give her permission, it would most likely only drive a deeper wedge between the two of you.

Right now, it would be good to focus on your marriage, either fixing it or deciding that it can't be fixed. If you decide to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle, that can come after you take care of the immediate situation. Getting together with another woman will do nothing to fix the immediate situation.

darkmirror 01-16-2011 03:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 60952)
I'm happy to hear you've discovered something wonderful that you would like to have in your life and I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife have lost the magic in your marriage.

There's a general consensus in the poly world that your primary relationship needs to be strong and solid before you start adding other people to your life. At this point, even if your wife did give her permission, it would most likely only drive a deeper wedge between the two of you.

Right now, it would be good to focus on your marriage, either fixing it or deciding that it can't be fixed. If you decide to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle, that can come after you take care of the immediate situation. Getting together with another woman will do nothing to fix the immediate situation.

I sense that what you are saying is absolutely true. I know that I need to come to some resolution to my marital issues before trying to initiate another relationship. It wouldn't be fair to bring someone else into the mess that is my life right now. It is extremely difficult to admit that I can't fix something. I've always been the guy that could fix anything.

When a long time marriage starts to unravel, it does not just impact to two principals. There are kids, grandkids, friends, family, etc...... It's not just a family, it's a village.

But I do have this strong conviction that if given another opportunity to find love, I will not limit myself to one woman. It makes no sense to me that we should limit love to just the one person that we are living with. So I am curious about the poly lifestyle. Curious to see how many people are truly polyamorous and how many are using it as an excuse to have other sex partners.

As I'm trying to work through my relationship issues, it sometimes gets lonely. The lonliest kind of lonely is when you are not alone. Sitting in the house with my wife and no words are spoken. In different parts of the house. I just wish that i had another woman to talk to. Someone else to love.

But thanks for the advice. It is in line with my thoughts.

AutumnalTone 01-16-2011 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkmirror (Post 60953)
I sense that what you are saying is absolutely true. I know that I need to come to some resolution to my marital issues before trying to initiate another relationship.

Exactly. It appears you understand what's necessary for polyamory to work.

Welcome aboard.

darkmirror 01-16-2011 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 61018)
Exactly. It appears you understand what's necessary for polyamory to work.

Welcome aboard.

Thanks. I am curious though as to how others came to embrace polyamory. You for instance. How did you happen to find your way? Was it difficult? Were you married before you found it?

NeonKaos 01-16-2011 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkmirror (Post 61020)
Thanks. I am curious though as to how others came to embrace polyamory. You for instance. How did you happen to find your way? Was it difficult? Were you married before you found it?

You can find out a lot about the details of other people's journeys and experiences in the Life Stories and Blogs section of the forum. There is also a section called "Golden Nuggets" which has a list of links to threads on this forum that are about issues common to many people's situations. You can also do a tag search for terms that interest you.

darkmirror 01-16-2011 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 61031)
You can find out a lot about the details of other people's journeys and experiences in the Life Stories and Blogs section of the forum. There is also a section called "Golden Nuggets" which has a list of links to threads on this forum that are about issues common to many people's situations. You can also do a tag search for terms that interest you.

Thanks. I guess I should spend some time looking around the site.


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