Hurt, angry and confused
Hi all, thanks in advance for your inputs. I really do appreciate it. Not sure where to start. Well, i'm a mother of a 2 year old and devoted to a loving husband for 16years. We have talked about open marriage over the last 6 years on and off but nothing has really happened till now. It was really all theoretical in the past. And we both agree that it all makes sense and we would definitely consider it. But of course is easier said then done, right? All this polyamoury stuff is mostly driven by my husband. He is a very explorative person, with lots of passions and very emotional, and i am opposite. I am like your simple plan Jane kind a girl. I'm very calm, patient and easily content. Our sexual relationship with each other has been ok and we are actually trying to make it better by learning tantra yoga and sexual excersizes. My sexual drive is not very high to begin with and especially over the last two years after giving birth has been almost non-existent. So we have been working on it slowly over the last 6 months and it has improved dramatically but has a ways to go yet. So, i have been trying to do more yoga, kundalini yoga, mediatation and things that might help open up that sexual energy within me. So we have been connecting quite well over the last 6 months trying to get our relationship back. And over the past couple months, my husband has been hanging out with this other girl. I have known that they have had more than a friendship connection. And at that time, i had no negative feelings about them spending time together. cause i trust my husband and if things were to go further i know he would tell me. So that is why we have brought up this polyamoury stuff again. So we talked about it and theoretically and concluded again that i would be ok with it. And the thing is this other girl, she is actually looking for a soul mate that she can start a family with. She really wants a family. And i know who this girl is as we have hung out with her numerous times. She respects me fully and has helped my husband open up too. And i thank her for that. She really is a good person. They both have very strong feeling for each other. So, my husband last week had brought up the idea of pursueing things intimately with this other girl. She said she would need to think it over. Meanwhile, he has told me that he told her about going further and i instantly cried. I felt hurt, and sad mostly. I didnt feel jealous or angry at the time. But nothing has even happened yet. She actually said that she was not ready to do it intimately with my husband and that her first priority is to find someone she can have a family with. So that isnt going to work in our situation. So my husband felt rejected, and angry and frustrated. And i really felt sympathy and compassion for him. After a few days or so, i felt less hurt and processing my feelings have helped me understand things a little better, so i think. A week has passed after that incident and they went to a yoga retreat together which was planned over a month ago. He told me when they were at the retreat that he was sharing a room with her since he ended up with a bigger room by chance. And again i felt hurt and sad and alone again. He said that there was nothing to worry about. Then after the yoga retreat was over, i sensed that something happened cause he again was feeling frustrated and angry. And he told me that he tried again to bring up the subject and she said she still wasnt ready. So i am alone right now while he is sleeping in the basement cause he needs some space and wants me to know that he isnt shutting me out. He just need some space to clear up his feelings and his head. But now i feel more hurt and angry than the first time around. I feel like closing up and shutting myself down again so i cant feel pain anymore. And the thing is nothing even really happened yet. Its my ego taking over. So, i'm not really sure if this is something that will work for me. Or maybe i am just not cut up for this sort of thing? Or maybe its not the right time for it yet? I dont know, i am just confused. I have read many books on this, but it doesnt teach you how to deal with you own insecurities. I am guessing that this isnt easy for anyone in a polyamoury relationship. But i am just hoping that it doesnt kill our marriage. I really want my husband to feel fully happy and fulfilled in every way but i don't know if i can handle it and afraid that it might shut me down where to the point where my repress my thoughts and feelings, which i am really good at doing. Thanks again for hearing me out. I hope to connect with you and happy that people are here to help out, listen and communicate. Peace and love to you all.
Hello and welcome!
It sounds to me as though all three of you are in a high emotional state right now and have a lot of thoughts and feelings to work through.
Stop. Breathe. You are not going to solve everything all at once. To me, it sounds like your husband is pushing things rather quickly - and then gets upset when things don't go as he envisioned. This is new and you and your husband are going to have to learn a lot of communication skills and be able to talk about things without emotions getting out of control
As to this other girl - she knows that she is looking for a primary to settle down with. He is not available for that. I think he needs to back off and let things settle. Back things down to friendship+feelings and let it ride.
PS. If you are still in the 12 hour edit window: you will get a lot more replies if you go back and add some paragraph breaks to you post. A lot of people have a hard time reading a long wall of text and will skip over posts that are too hard to read.
Hi. My dh & I are new to this but activities like swinging & fwb brought us here after I fell hard for bf that led to a lot of communication on polyamory. There have been intense momments of insecurity, jealousy as well as envy & today is happier for both of us than a week ago. Its an emotional roller coaster at times but communication has been the key to moving forward on this journey for us as well as both of us utilizing the forum.
Maybe have him come here & discuss what he is feeling. It does sound like he's pouting that he isn't getting what he wants. And if she is wanting a monogomous relationship she needs to probably break away from the two of you or there is more going on than the two of them are willing to admit. It could be time all three of you sit down together to discuss your relationships.
There is nothing wrong with having your own insecurities and for some women, our sex drive does die a little after having children. Our bodies change, we're stuck with those last few baby pounds that don't go away, we're exhausted from being our children's primary caregiver and pretty much come last during this time, putting hubby & kids first. You'll have to figure out what you want. What will make you happy? What steps can you take to love yourself, because if you aren't loving yourself, how can you feel sexy? How can you have a sex drive if your down in the dumps about who you are? And lastly, if you are feeling inadequate (physically, emotionally, spiritually) is this the right time for you to dive into polyamory? Do you yourself visualuze that you want another besides your husband or are you on this path of discussions to please him, make him happy? You are just as important in your relationship as he is.
For me, I lost my sex drive after my son was born (2nd child) & I didnt really find it until I qiit nursing him. My first, was not so long, but again after she self weaned. Now with my third (she's 2), I still nurse but my libido is in overdrive, but that could because of my age (40's) & that a year ago, when I was feeling frumpy, overweight, I had a co-worker in his late 20's hit on me. That was awesome for my ego, my self esteem. I lost 30 pounds in two months (have kept it off too). I'm giving my own life example so you know you aren't alone & it's normal to feel how you do.
What GalaGirl said. I'm new to this whole thing too, and the one thing that I have learned is that the only way a poly relationship will work is if I am attending to my wifey, and allowing both of our needs to be heard.
We live in a mono world, and the cultural message is, "You can only love one person at a time." Perhaps your husband isn't quite grasping that he needs to be attending to you rather than putting a disproportionate amount of energy into the new girl.
(ETA: Sorry, had to repost... my connection got wonky.)
I'm sorry you are going through this. This is NOT polyshipping to me. This is crazy sounding to me. :(
She said "No" -- not just once but twice and he still keeps pushing her. She wants other things -- he could accept that this isn't a runner here. Dating life comes with some disappointments because not every date is a runner. But he's jumping the gun trying to date her here.
I don't think you are hurt because he is thinking about dating and sex with some woman and considering to Open. You were fine considering this with him in the past. See?
He is making a unilateral decision for the couple to "Open" the marriage without considering or consulting your own willingness Open the marriage. Not just once but TWICE. With a woman who keeps saying NO. I call it "Open" because if he's doing this without your consent? It is not Opening to me. It is cheating to me.
It is FRESH if he expects you to be feeling joyous that he's planning/trying to cheat on your current agreements in front of your face.
It is FRESH if he expects you to endure that and then comfort him when she turns his offer down. :(
I would like to lift this up to you --
You seem ok when you are included and respected.
You appreciate the she respects you with her behavior toward you.
By contrast? Your husband's behavior bothers you when it is not inclusive/respectful.
For all you know, you yourself have good poly skills but HIS just stink.
Again -- to me? He's not planning a healthy polyship here with you and his potential. He's planning to cheat on you, and he's planning to push her beyond her stated limit. How is this behavior him demonstrating loving kindness toward his partner/potential partner? It's does not seem very loving to either you or the potential to me! :(
He's could not be selfish. You could not be selfless. You could both think about being self-full. Talk and sort yourselves out. To me?
You could tell him "NO. I am willing to participate in a polyship with you like this. This does not meet my needs. This does not respect all people's limits or honor boundaries. This approach is reckless and bad for my mental health."
If polyshipping in this manner (with no boundaries and him off behaving like a free agent) does not work for you, it just does not work for you. Obey your own limit.
If you are willing to work out another, different way of going that serves you both better in Opening the marriage, and meets everyone's wants, needs, and limits? Could tell him that willingness.
But if you are not willing to Open at ALL at this time because he's breaking trust behaving this way and you rather spend time rebuilding that broken trust first -- could tell him that too.
Could be assertive here. Could ask to meet her and him both to get on the same page.
Esp when he ignores your readiness, he tells you she says "she is not ready" -- for all you know she tells him to fuck off and he's ignoring that and whitewashing it in his mind so he can keep pestering her. For all you know he tells HER "My wife is totally ok with it. Really!"
Could not guess. Could go find out and KNOW. Could get it all from each horse's mouth. Could ask him to arrange for all to meet for coffee and sort this out -- where is each person's willingness and ability at? What are their wants/needs/limits?
Then you can decide what to do next for yourself.
Could see if he's willing to change his behavior and start to play like Jedi or if this is all him playing like Muppet Show with only more chaos up ahead.
Could lean into conflict and see it through to the other side. You CAN handle this. You may not love it, but you CAN choose to handle it.
Seems like the other girl has made her needs clear....and your husband is trying to push her anyway...and making you uncomfortable in the process.
There are other poly situations where she could join and have children within the polyship.
Perhaps he should encourage her to go find what she truly wants?
Thanks again for everyone's response. I really appreciate it. The thing is I don't know all the details about how the other girl feels.
But from my understanding, and a truly believe that my husband is being honest with me. This girl really loves him but is still on the
fence on pursueing an intimate relationship. She actually is currently dating another guy (been about a month) and she really likes him.
So she is holding off I think cause of her boyfriend. And if she didn't feel comfortable with my husband, then why would she invite herself
to stay in his room at the yoga retreat. And i don't know if things like this are "black and white". I'm sure if she was single she might have
pursued it further. But good point that maybe I should try talking to her about her feelings for my husband. But do i really need to know all the details?
It sounds like from everyone's post that we are not quite ready for a polyamourous relationship. But my question is, when will you ever be ready?
Won't the hurt and pain always be there? Isn't it just a matter of how you deal with those insecurities. I want to be compassionate for my husband.
I want him to be able to be fully happy and be able to connect with people fully. He doesn't believe that just one person can full fill all these needs.
He thinks that if he is able to share his intimate connections with others, it will only bring us closer. He is all about expanding your being, your consciousness
and your energies within the body. I don't want to own him and keep him to myself cause is that really fair? I see him suffer inside cause his sexual energy
is not being full filled. So do I just let him suffer and never let him be intimate with another person. It sounds unreasonable to let him suffer. I don't know what
to do. Maybe it is just a bad time right now. i am dazed and confused. Thanks again for you help!!
Do you even want to Open at this time like this? I wonder if you don't want to, but don't want to say it to him. Are you good at being assertive? If not...What blocks you from being assertive?
Does he not handle disappointment in appropriate ways? He's not suffering from "Lack of polyship" right now. He's simply having to handle that his potential is NOT giving a "joyful yes" and neither are you. He has to deal with disappointment that he can't have what he wants the minute he wants it.
Could ask him if he's willing to share how he feels closer to you behaving this way and how his behavior is drawing you closer together. I do not see it.
Could flip it to see all sides, not just one. Where is your side of the coin?
What about her side? What are HER wants, needs, limits? Is she being honored/respected?
It may not be fun to feel. It may not be fun to say. But you are within your rights to say
I cannot tell if you prefer to stay CLOSED or you want to open but not like this. Adjust as needed... you could tell him...
Get it out there. Spit it out. Then sort yourselves out and determine where each of you stands.
I could consider an offer. But I don't just ACCEPT any old offer that comes along JUST because it got offered. I don't need to sign up for crazy town. I have to look out for my own best healths and well being. I have the right to understand what kind of offer is being offered to me and how that will affect me and my life.
So... what's he offering? If it isn't great sounding to you, you can say why. You all (whoever would be in the potential polyship) could work it out so it is good for all. Or you could just decline the offer and don't participate in an offer like that because it does not meet your wants, needs and limits.
"Thanks, but no thank you."
If the outcome of the talk is agreeing that relationship has reached the end of the line because you are no longer compatible? Could strive to be ok with that and end it with grace. Then you BOTH are free.
There are two kinds of freedom. Freedom TO and freedom FROM.
Right now, he sounds like he wants to be "polysexual" to me at best. He doesn't much sound hot on being "polyamorous"... because he's doing less than loving kind behavior to you and to her by rushing on and being pushy.
Nobody ever died from going slow. Could ask him to put the brakes on. Could ask him to consider you. I still think shenanigan-y sounding... but I'll assume positive intent. Maybe he's willing but not ABLE at this time. Could take a time out to grow the intrapersonal and interpersonal skills required. Same for you, if polyshipping is something you want for yourself too.
What is it you need for support? How can people help you? Do you need links?
are just some.
Hang in there.
Thanks Galagirl for your kind and thoughtful advise. I now see more clearly what you are getting at. I see that I need to concentrate on myself first and make sure that I am happy before moving on with this poly stuff. And he needs to respect people boundaries and respect my feelings as well. He now knows that I want to put this poly stuff away for awhile till I am ready. We hope to work through this together. We will hopefully also get together with the other girl to sort out feelings and create a more peaceful and clear light to this situation. Thanks again for all your help peeps! Much love and peace.
Glad to hear is was helpful then.
If all of you were sitting in a waterbed, him FLINGING himself on it could send the rest bobbling about on the waves he made. What one does, could affect others.
If he's trying to build a 3 person polyship of some kind, he could remember he's not the only player. His willingness to participate is not the only willingness required for it to go well and succeed. His skills/ability to participate are not the only skills/ability required. There's 2 other people that have to get on board with their "willing and able" for this to fly WELL if the shared goal is a harmonious, healthy open relationship model of whatever flavor you all are trying to co-create for yourselves.
Is that even a shared goal? He was not taking the trouble to ASK and find out (with you) and he's just pushing and not respecting her "No." (with her). All players could get on the same page first.
Maybe reading about polymath and how one mini relationship inside the larger polyship can affect the others could give you more perspective too.
I hope you do find peace and clarity as you wish.
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