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-   -   Confused from one day to the next (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5271)

ambleew 01-15-2011 08:24 PM

Confused from one day to the next
 
Hi All! I have posted here a couple of times about being new to Polyamory and I have received such warm welcomes and great responses. But I am having issues and possibly doubts...what do you suggest??

My husband deeply cares for our gf and I do as well. She has also expressed her strong feelings towards both of us. The only problem is me I think. I feel like the closer I get to her it is more on a friends level rather than romantic. I just feel like the two of them have so much in common and it almost makes me a little jealous. I also get jealous on the sex part...because they are intimate much more than he and I are. The reason we aren't intimate is because every time we try, something is done or said and it turns into a fight. Last night was terrible. We got into a terrible fight and I ended up crying my eyes out and sleeping on the couch.

I have been going through so many emotions and confusion since all of this started. Is poly for me? Or is it just that SHE isn't for me? I really WANT to overcome these feelings but how long does it take? How do I do it?

opalescent 01-15-2011 09:40 PM

Jealousy
 
ambleew,

I know you may have done this already but search for jealousy on the forum. It comes up a lot and people have written some really helpful stuff.

You wrote that you really want to overcome your feelings of jealousy. It's been my experience that I don't overcome jealousy (or other strong negative emotion, like grief or anger) in the sense that I master it and then never feel that way again.

I have to feel those miserable, painful feelings over and over again, I have to acknowledge the rage, jealousy, lack of worth - that those things are part of me. I have to fully feel that jealousy so I can acknowledge it, and then start to understand it. This doesn't mean that I accept that my jealousy is true or right. The vast majority of the time I have no reason to be jealous or angry. But feeling it fully, acknowledging it's existence as part of my self, is the beginning of figuring out what is actually going on in my cluttered head.

This is hard to do, and it friggin' sucks. I fail a lot.

I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what's going on in your head!

ambleew 01-15-2011 11:03 PM

Thank you for your response...I will definitely try to keep it under control. I have skimmed the jealousy threads but will look into them more in depth. Thanks again!

Charlie 01-16-2011 01:21 AM

You are strong enough.
 
You are strong enough for this. If you are here, then you already suspect this about yourself.

Don't be afraid of the work. Work is just work.

And yes, as opalescent pointed out, failure is not only an option, it is an inevitability.

And it's okay.

Just keep trying and be nice to yourself, first and foremost.

Derbylicious 01-16-2011 01:31 AM

Try not to compare what they have to what you have with him. It sounds to me that poly isn't the issue here although it might have surfaced some things that were there already. Find some time to talk things through with him and start dealing with the issues that are causing fights between the two of you.

SNeacail 01-16-2011 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 60917)
Try not to compare what they have to what you have with him. It sounds to me that poly isn't the issue here although it might have surfaced some things that were there already. Find some time to talk things through with him and start dealing with the issues that are causing fights between the two of you.

That's what I was thinking. You and your wife have some issues not related to poly that need to be address ASAP.

redpepper 01-17-2011 06:58 AM

It could very well be that a triad with her is not going to work. That is totally fine. They quite often don't when approached by way or a couple wanting a unicorn to fulfill their needs. I don't know how you all started off but they seem to work better when there is a friendship before and unexpectedly love between three emerges.

There is not shame in you not loving her the same way as him and him not loving her the same way as you. Or even him not loving you the same way as him... love is not balanced and relationships are not balanced...what is, or should be balanced is time and energy and commitment to doing what you say you will do (integrity). The rest is kind of an interesting emergence of what fate has in store for you all.

It sounds like in your case your NRE between three of you is ending and a new phase is starting... so what will you do next while they start a relationship of two? What kind of goals do you want in terms of your relationship with him? What will you request of them to ensure that your needs are being met while they establish their relationship? What moves will you make to develop your friendship with her? What are your personal goals...

My point is that you can't fit a square peg into a round hole and if they are getting along dandy and you aren't fitting the equation any more, then maybe a shift needs to happen...

Charlie 01-17-2011 06:18 PM

Yep.
 
I agree with redpepper.

ambleew 02-17-2011 01:47 AM

You guys are so awesome! Thanks!

LovingRadiance 02-17-2011 02:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 60917)
Try not to compare what they have to what you have with him. It sounds to me that poly isn't the issue here although it might have surfaced some things that were there already. Find some time to talk things through with him and start dealing with the issues that are causing fights between the two of you.

This.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 61191)
It could very well be that a triad with her is not going to work. That is totally fine. They quite often don't when approached by way or a couple wanting a unicorn to fulfill their needs. I don't know how you all started off but they seem to work better when there is a friendship before and unexpectedly love between three emerges.

There is not shame in you not loving her the same way as him and him not loving her the same way as you. Or even him not loving you the same way as him... love is not balanced and relationships are not balanced...what is, or should be balanced is time and energy and commitment to doing what you say you will do (integrity). The rest is kind of an interesting emergence of what fate has in store for you all.

It sounds like in your case your NRE between three of you is ending and a new phase is starting... so what will you do next while they start a relationship of two? What kind of goals do you want in terms of your relationship with him? What will you request of them to ensure that your needs are being met while they establish their relationship? What moves will you make to develop your friendship with her? What are your personal goals...

My point is that you can't fit a square peg into a round hole and if they are getting along dandy and you aren't fitting the equation any more, then maybe a shift needs to happen...

And this.


Jealousy, like sadness is an emotion.

Can you "overcome sadness" and never feel it again?

If you love someone, does that mean they will never bring out sad feelings in you again? (or vice versa)

Those two questions are obvious-but you can put jealousy in where sadness is written and the fact is, the answer is the same. It's a part of life these emotions we experience.

What is important isn't STOPPING our emotions. If you stop feeling one emotion, you are going to severely limit your ability to feel ANY emotions.

The key is to understand that how you choose to BEHAVE and REACT to your emotions is a CHOICE. You can choose to take the emotion as a sign that you need to take care of yourself in some manner. You can choose to take it as a sign that you need to lash out or blame others. Which one seems more productive when you aren't in the heat of the moment? Obviously the latter. ;)
If we hold ourselves ACCOUNTABLE for reacting to our emotions in the way that we already know is more productive (for us and everyone else) even when we are in the heat of the moment-we'll get a lot further in life.

THIS is a reasonable goal. Deleting emotions-not so much.

As for the triad, love is infinite. So him loving her in differing ways than he loves you is moot. You loving her as a friend and not a spouse-again, it's moot. If that's how you love her, as a friend-then love her as a friend to the best of your ability. If you love him as a spouse-then love him as a spouse to the best of your ability.

Last but not least--
if you really want to get those emotions to settle some-
remember,

YOU are your own primary-so LOVE YOU the best you possibly can (I got that from RP).


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