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-   -   quad, friends or is this all going to blow up? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=52463)

gorgeouskitten 08-15-2013 10:47 PM

quad, friends or is this all going to blow up?
 
So my spouse and i have made friends with this really awesome couple, all four of us click and get on really well. The husband expressed interest in me, and i tentatively agreed to date slowly (since i already have a spouse and a BF). Meanwhile, the wife and my spouse made a great connection and he likes her. She confided in both my spouse and I that she would like to date him but is afraid to ask her husband to date men (she dates women) meanwhile she and my spouse have flirted quite a lot.

So heres the thing, knowing he holds her back from dating my husband whom i want to be happy, makes me less interested in him, and my husband less inclined to liking him as a partner for me. Yes its on her to ask her spouse if she wants to make a quad (which she has thought about) but for me, having agreed to date him, Im not sure where to go from here. SHould I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If i bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, im afraid we'll loose a new and important friendship (our first poly couple friends).

Any suggestions, advice, experience?

Flowerchild 08-16-2013 01:17 AM

What?
 
Having agreed to date him? It's not a "dating idea," it's a new partner for you. If you aren't comfortable with it, knowing there will be tension with his wife and your husband, don't do it.

You haven't signed a contract ;) Or, you know, if you have, that's cool, too :)

If he's really that much of a jerk, that he would cut the friendship over it, is he really worth keeping as a friend?

Inyourendo 08-16-2013 02:51 AM

If the other guy is possessive and controlling, of course its reasonable to be less attracted. A couple years ago I invited long time fb friends who I knew was poly but has never met. Instant attraction and ibwaa more than willing to date both. He wanted a one penis policy but when his wife expressed interest in my husband he was willing to work on.that, we all knew his comfort level ans proceeded slowly. Well the longer I knew him, the more manipulative hw appeared and the less attracted I was. Ultimately I broke things off with both to spare myself the drama. She and I.are good friends now, talking about maybe seeing her again.

idealist 08-16-2013 03:03 AM

If I were in that position, I would simply plan a social event for the four of us. I like to take action. Just do it. If you think you might like a quad- plan a quad date and invite everyone with enthusiasm!

monkeystyle 08-16-2013 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 222321)
So my spouse and i have made friends with this really awesome couple, all four of us click and get on really well. The husband expressed interest in me, and i tentatively agreed to date slowly (since i already have a spouse and a BF). Meanwhile, the wife and my spouse made a great connection and he likes her. She confided in both my spouse and I that she would like to date him but is afraid to ask her husband to date men (she dates women) meanwhile she and my spouse have flirted quite a lot.

So heres the thing, knowing he holds her back from dating my husband whom i want to be happy, makes me less interested in him, and my husband less inclined to liking him as a partner for me. Yes its on her to ask her spouse if she wants to make a quad (which she has thought about) but for me, having agreed to date him, Im not sure where to go from here. SHould I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If i bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, im afraid we'll loose a new and important friendship (our first poly couple friends).

Any suggestions, advice, experience?

Advice/Opinion: A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know - if you think about it hard enough.

Natja 08-16-2013 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inyourendo (Post 222345)
If the other guy is possessive and controlling, of course its reasonable to be less attracted.

Yeah, OPP guy would just make me lose interest pretty sharpish.

Marcus 08-16-2013 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 222321)
She confided in both my spouse and I that she would like to date him but is afraid to ask her husband to date men (she dates women) meanwhile she and my spouse have flirted quite a lot.

So she hasn't actually had this conversation with her spouse? I'm not sure that is something that can reasonably be held against him if he's never even been given the chance to talk about it.

Is there a chance that he would be fine with your spouses dating? If they're poly, that would seem to be at least a possibility.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 222321)
SHould I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship?

I know that you have quad on the brain but again, I think you'd be a lot more successful if you date the person you are dating instead of focusing on setting up new quads. This current situation is a great example of the problem with "team dating" - if you took care of your relationships and they took care of theirs you would all be getting what you want right now. Since it must precisely be a quad structure now it sounds like none of you are going to get what you want.

Dagferi 08-16-2013 01:18 PM

What Marcus said..

I have always been of the mind your own businesses and manage your own relationship camp. Stop trying to micro manage your husbands relationship. He is a big boy and needs to take care of his own business.

gorgeouskitten 08-16-2013 01:26 PM

Thanks guys.

Yeah id think he may at least possibly be ok with our spouses dating since they ARE poly, but youre right they havent talked about it so i have no idea. And i agree we shouldnt hold it against him, but its tough.

Marcus, i know i know i have quad brain :/ the problem is, i can just focus on "oh do i want to date this guy" but i dont if my husband dislikes him. I know you are a firm believer of each owning our own sh*t, but i do take into account if my husband is cool with the fella or not. Also, im already involved in a relationship with spouse inter-relationship issues and i dont want more of that

Squashking 08-16-2013 04:22 PM

agearnme which
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by monkeystyle (Post 222362)
Advice/Opinion: A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know - if you think about it hard enough.

I can't disagree more. My wife and I are in a quad with another couple who were at first our very best friends... is it is simply wonderful. Is it difficult sometimes? Yes, but that's to be expected.

Why does it seem that people who are not 100% comfortable yet with an idea or change to the relationship are so easily discarded? Why do we call it controlling so quickly? Sometimes it takes a little time to get used to something and then you can move on. I assume changes to any relationship (ie. dating men vs dating women) are a bit easier if you are poly experienced. What's the rush?

~S


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