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-   -   Rather scared newcomer ... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524)

Thespian 07-24-2009 03:12 PM

Rather scared newcomer ...
Hi folks,

My story is that I've been married for more than 30 years and I'm still deeply in love with my wife and I'm sure she is in love with me. We're never happier than when we're together, on holiday for example. We've never restricted each other's interests and friendships - we do some things together and some things separately. However we have always assumed the other to be "faithfull".

Recently I've fallen in love with another woman, as well. She is also married. However she has been able to talk to her husband about our relationship and he is happy about it. They still love each other and are bringing up a family together.

Neither of us knew about polyamory before we fell in love, she came across it on the web and it just seemed to be exactly what we wanted.

The problem is I can't talk to my wife. We've never discussed this sort of thing before. I'm terrified that if I talk to her it will destroy our marriage and her love for me. I've so much to lose. My wife knows that my new love and I are good friends, we have been involved in voluntary work together for several years and we regularly go off together for meetings etc.

From a few things she's said I think my wife is wary/jealous of my new love already, and if I started talking in general terms about polyamory she would immediately know that it wasn't just a hypothetical discussion.

My new love isn't happy for me to "cheat" in the normal way, she wants our love to be open and honest. Of course she's right, and so far we haven't consumated our love.

Is there anyone here who has successfully introduced a new love into an old established loving relationship? How did you do it?

I'm torn apart at the moment.

NeonKaos 07-24-2009 03:34 PM

Have they met and if so, do they like each other or not?

Thespian 07-24-2009 03:45 PM

Yes, they know each other very well. We live in the same town and they have worked together in various community groups. We've been out together as a foursome and shared meals together. However I get the feeling that recently my wife has backed off their friendship and I suspect it's because she's getting vibes.

NeonKaos 07-24-2009 04:05 PM

Well I'm no expert, but my free advice to you is that if Wife is getting "vibes", it's time to have a little talk.

Thespian 07-24-2009 04:30 PM

How do you even begin to tell your wife that you love someone else but that doesn't mean you don't love her less? I would bet she hasn't even heard of polyamory. Why wouldn't she see it as a threat to her happy, stable life? Why wouldn't she it as a betrayal?

I can see why people cheat - it's so much easier.

NeonKaos 07-24-2009 05:03 PM

It sounds like you want to do the right thing but are scared of losing both of them. You could always decide not to pursue it with your other lady and just leave things the way they are.

THEN you can tell your wife your decision: "Hon, there's someone I care deeply for but you mean so much and I would never want to jeopardize what we have. But because you are my wife and I respect you as an individual, I must tell you this because I think you might have an idea already and I would never want you to think I was cheating on you."

Something along those lines. That way, you have opened a dialogue yet established from the beginning that you value your relationship with your wife.

I just came right out and told my husband that I fell in love with this guy I knew from 20 years ago... He wasn't surprised or alarmed, since he heard me talking on the phone for a week... it was the other guy who freaked out when he learned that Husband was ok with it.

MonoVCPHG 07-24-2009 06:42 PM


Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 3187)
"Hon, there's someone I care deeply for but you mean so much and I would never want to jeopardize what we have. But because you are my wife and I respect you as an individual, I must tell you this because I think you might have an idea already and I would never want you to think I was cheating on you."


That is a beautifully honest and touching approach. It is the best way of conveying this I have heard. I'm extremely mono but I can see the caring and legitimate concern in this statement. Did you come up with this Ygirl?

NeonKaos 07-24-2009 07:49 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 3188)
Did you come up with this Ygirl?

Of course, I write all my own jokes :)

Just kidding!

Yes I came up with it by myself. I'm way better at handling other people's problems than I am at handling my own.

River 07-24-2009 09:17 PM

Aren't we all!


This sort of story turns out, from my experience, to be pretty dang common, Thespian.

The root of the problem, if you were to ask my opinion, is that we live in a culture in which the poly- option isn't well known. Really, it's a matter of a need for social and cultural education. But as it stands at the moment, that education is proceeding slowly with a relatively few folks with courage and strength to challenge basic assumptions we all grew up not questioning. We've been taught by movies, magazines, love songs, parents, religious organizations..., that "Love means one plus one equals true love." And we've been taught that that's the ONLY valid and "true" kind of loving. And that's pure poppycock, and a lot of us now know this! Yes -- it's knowledge. It isn't mere opinion. It's a social fact. That is: Many, many of us can love two or more people at the same time and have that work out at least as well as the 1 + 1 approach. Often better.

But we have to acknowledge another social fact.: Most of us just don't "get it". We've been told by seemingly everyone, over many years, that love, the real thing, must be of the 1+1=true love variety. Most of us have bought into the myth--and it is a myth--that so much as showing interest in expanding that dynamic indicates un-love!

Well, for a long time, folks believed that slavery was perfectly acceptable, that women are less important or valuable than men, that homosexuals are immoral perverts, etc... etc.... And these people with these beliefs were very much emotionally invested in living out the myth they bought into. Racists will be VERY offended to have "niggers" compared with themselves as equals, then and now. So we still have a lot of work to do to expose the facts. And it is a fact that love, the real deal, need not be exclusive in the one+one way.

Fact: My partner and I love each other very much and have almost zero anxiety about letting the other love whom they will. Why? Because we are (a) secure in ourselves and (b) secure in the knowledge that we are truly loved by one another.

Why the "almost"? Because, while the anxiety is very, very small, it isn't non-existant, altogether. Because we're on a journey of healing from our conditioning within a culture that doesn't recognize the facts. We're human, after all.

A very strong love can always make this transition. The very risk itself can enliven a relationship. That is, the very honesty itself.

redpepper 07-24-2009 11:03 PM

I love how honest you want to be and good for you not consumating your love! This will make telling her a lot easier. Cheating is not the easy root, it's the cowardly route. You are not being a coward. Good for you.

I think that your wife suspects you are cheating and you can proudly say that you are not physically but want to stop cheating emotionally.

I think I would ask her to allow you time to get everything out including telling her about your love, the history behind it, what poly is, about her husband being okay and your undieing love for her and how you want to continue your marraige and try to include this new (not so new) woman in it. Then she can have her turn and you can listen to everything she says before replying. Or even allow her the time to get back to you.

You are on the right track I think and on the pivotal point of huge change in your life. Whatever happens it will be the right thing in the end.

(sorry, Ygirl, it is so hard to take you seriously with that picture of your tits on there!!!! hahahaha! I love what you said though and your words were perfect!)

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