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-   -   If you want to love me you have to love my spouse? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=52143)

NowIKnow 08-13-2013 02:52 AM

If you want to love me you have to love my spouse?
 
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.

I'm not saying it isn't possible, I'm just saying that if I find someone I love and wish to spend time with it shouldn't be required that my spouse accept them also.

My wife for the longest time couldn't understand why my best friend didn't want to hang out with her. I think I finally explained it to her that her brother-in-law doesn't want to hang out with her just the two of them but he will hang out with just me. It isn't that he doesn't like her it's just that he and I have a connection that he and her will never have and it's the same with my best friend. I don't hang out with her boyfriend not because I don't like him, I just don't have that connection with him.

Point is, I seem to see on this site the impression given that married couples only enter a poly relationship with a person they both have a connection with. I just don't believe that should be the way it "has" to be.

SchrodingersCat 08-13-2013 03:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NowIKnow (Post 221522)
Point is, I seem to see on this site the impression given that married couples only enter a poly relationship with a person they both have a connection with.

I honestly can't imagine what would give you that impression. Aside from the triad-seeking couples posting ads, the vast majority of us married members are not like that at all. Most of us having partners outside our marriage with whom our spouses have little to no relationship.

I actually thought it was really weird the first time my husband asked if I would mind if he invited my gf over for beers one night while I was working an evening shift. I had no objection, of course. I just thought it was very odd, don't know why...

Inyourendo 08-13-2013 03:07 AM

My husband and I date separately. Imo those kind of requirements are not poly at all.

LovingRadiance 08-13-2013 03:22 AM

I actually don't know any married couples with that attitude. All of the married poly's I know date separately.

TRBG 08-13-2013 04:09 AM

I'm the only thing my wife and girlfriend have in common. Along the same lines even though I know her boyfriend and he's a nice guy we don't generally travel in the same circles.

I kind of find diversity among partners (IE lack of common ground) to be one of the more enjoyable aspect.s of it all. If they have too much in common I'd feel more worried about things getting redundant.

nycindie 08-13-2013 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NowIKnow (Post 221522)
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.

I'm not saying it isn't possible, I'm just saying that if I find someone I love and wish to spend time with it shouldn't be required that my spouse accept them also.

Is this actually a serious statement? I am kind of having a hard time believing that a grown adult with common sense would even think that this is true.

First of all, there are no "requirements" to polyamory. Poly simply means being able to love or open to loving more than one person without the need to hide it or keep it a secret (a la cheating). That is all.

If there are individuals making up dumb rules like the one you mentioned, that's their choice (and rules like that usually originate from a partner's deep insecurities or a need to be very controlling), but there are no poly police going around telling married or partnered couples that they must share lovers in order to qualify as polyfolk. Furthermore, such a requirement would basically dismiss the autonomy of any lover and their ability to choose whom they wish to be involved with. It is domineering and utterly disrespectful for one person in a couple to demand that another person (outside the couple) be required to fuck and/or love both people. I mean, that's basically forcing someone... ewwww.

Natja 08-13-2013 07:59 AM

It might be the way the triad profiles are worded? I have seen loads that say "must be willing to be in a relationship with both of us" ?? It sounds a bit coercive.

Emm 08-13-2013 08:08 AM

A lot of people seem to think that that's the only thing that qualifies as Poly, probably for the same reason Unicorn Hunting sounds like such a good idea to first-timers.

Natja 08-13-2013 09:53 AM

I remember a bitter complaint on another polyamory site from one member of a couple about:

Quote:

why isn't there a section to make a couple profile? This is weird because this is a polyamory site'
Some people come into polyamory very couple focused.

lovelycouple 08-13-2013 10:37 AM

Interesting.
 
Actually as an heterosexual couple looking out for female company we are fully aware that the deepest affective connection is bound to happen between the male and the female.

The other female expectation on the relationship is barely having a friendly connection, someone to talk to, go shopping, share opinions or and tasks and some times, someone to team up against the male and his absurd opinions. :)

So it varies, and you are not obliged to agree with everything. You also have your say and you do not need to go along with everything, beware of people who wish to drag you down to do things in a relationship you do not agree with, because they probably they do not love you, if they cannot respect you.

Mutual respect is the roof of a relationship, communication is the key.


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