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-   -   the beginnings of a breakup... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5211)

thesavageprincess 01-15-2011 10:12 AM

the beginnings of a breakup...
 
I am a 29 year old female, my bf and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. Back in july we moved lenore in... Mistake 1, he did the majority of the talking to her, mistake 2, he asked her to move in with out discussing I over with me. Mistake 3, I was not attracted to her. Which now the problem is she wants out. At this point the reasons do not matter. Bottom line she does not want to be in this type of relationship anymore. Now my thinking is, that's fine I'm not going to force you to stay, and I never wanted you to leave, its your choice. Your quitting, you don't get the benefits of. A relationship, he is committed to me. So no sex. Am I right for wanting this? Are my feelings valid?

I need some advice here, I don't know what to do or say to them in this situation. My bf says that he can not to commit to that request of no sex...

Breathesgirl 01-15-2011 11:10 AM

Give the regular posters time to get out of bed, :). You posted this early this morning so those on the west coast, some of them, were just crawling in to bed after a Friday night out.

Your feelings are ALWAYS valid. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that others will listen or agree with what those feelings are. Keep talking to him about it although you might want to give it a break once in a while & just enjoy each other some times too.

Jodi 01-15-2011 01:44 PM

you never have to have sex if you don't want to. it's your body. i don't think that there's much to do except wait for her to go, and then reestablish a relationship w/ your boyfriend.

i hope that he will talk to you again before making any life changing decisions. i think it's a blessing in disguise since you didn't seem to keen on the arrangement in the first place.

BrigidsDaughter 01-15-2011 02:55 PM

Jodi,I read this as, she doesn't want him to keep sleeping with his g/f after g/f moves out and her b/f is saying he can't abide by that.

About a year ago, Wendigo wrote us a letter stating that he needed to focus on Pretty Lady and that he and PL thought my relationship with Wolf might need more attention as well. He made it clear that they weren't breaking up with us, but that he thought it might be best if we only had sex when the four of us were together until things were on track again in our primary relationships. This was extremely difficult for me as I wanted to respect his/her/ their wishes but have always had a hard time controlling how my body reacts to his very presence. Ultimately, this lasted about a month and a half, but I was proud of myself because I let him be the one to approach me about going back to being intimate w/o out everyone there.

So, thesavageprincess, my two cents is that if he really loves you and is committed to you, he'll respect your wishes, no matter how much he wants to have sex with her. But you will need to understand that this is hard for him. And the question I have is, does he see this as a break up of their relationship or just a change in where they are living?

GroundedSpirit 01-15-2011 03:14 PM

Hey Princess,

Maybe I'm not reading this clearly..........

You are trying to say that unless you all live together there can't be any relationship or sex ? Is this correct ?

Seem like a control thing to me ?

Many people can't live together and get along properly. It's especially hard as the numbers grow from 2, to 3 to.......more. The more people the more difficult it is.

But that should have nothing to do with the relationships involved. Some relationships will just always thrive better when there's more space & privacy. It doesn't seem (if I read correctly) that it's your 'call' how the relationship flows just because you can't all exist under one roof.

Did I miss anything ?

GS

thesavageprincess 01-15-2011 05:16 PM

Okay here is the situation. She came here for him, but john assured me that we would all get along and It would work. John and I had agreed that we would find someone that we both could enjoy. Everything was fine, so I thought. She ultimately is not attracted to me cause of my weight. She has only stayed here for as long as she has cause she does not want to hurt my bf. Sex has been separate as of late, I did not want a polygamy type relationship. I wanted a gf to cuddle with, kiss and be intimate with. But she don't want me that way. I feel like it is unfair that he gets to reap the benefits of a relationship that we originally talked about in the beginning. Btw john and I have had relationships with other women all of which showed me affection. Except for lenore. She recently stated she doesn't want to be in a relationship with 2 ppl. And would rather continue her future in a monogamous relationship with a man. I could tell she was a bisexual that favored men more. Myself I like being with men and women equally and held monogamous relationships with both. So my thinking is... If she wants out, y would she think its okay or I would be okay with the fact that they could have sex when I'm working 11-7am. she is not committing to him, I am. I'm the one who is staying, I want this relationship, not her. So I feel that I should have that right to say no, they can't have sex with out me.

nycindie 01-15-2011 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thesavageprincess (Post 60769)
John and I had agreed that we would find someone that we both could enjoy.

Sounds like a sex toy.

Quote:

Everything was fine, so I thought. She ultimately is not attracted to me cause of my weight. She has only stayed here for as long as she has cause she does not want to hurt my bf.
So, it's fine for you that she was compromising herself by having sex with you when she didn't want to?

Quote:

I feel like it is unfair that he gets to reap the benefits of a relationship that we originally talked about in the beginning.
Unfair that your toy has feelings?

Quote:

So my thinking is... If she wants out, y would she think its okay or I would be okay with the fact that they could have sex when I'm working 11-7am. she is not committing to him, I am.
It seems to me that she is committed to him, but not to you nor to living together. She is an individual with needs and wants, and apparently she wants to continue her relationship with your BF, just not live together or be with you. If you found another lover, would that make it easier to deal with him having a relationship with her outside of the living arrangement you had? Or is it that you just want someone to be a sex toy for you two to play with and not have feelings or any say about it or how she is treated?

Quote:

I'm the one who is staying, I want this relationship, not her. So I feel that I should have that right to say no, they can't have sex with out me.
Well, you all have a right to speak up and express your thoughts and feelings on it, but it would seem to me that a different dynamic would work better for all of you. What you had set up and expected doesn't seem healthy.

redpepper 01-15-2011 07:17 PM

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1489
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2349
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=887
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3421
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...hlight=lessons

here are some threads on moving someone in among other things. Admittedly mostly from our tribe, as we have just been through all this, but hope it helps... there are lots more if you do a search.

It doesn't seem to work for a partner to just randomly move someone in. It doubly doesn't seem to work to expect a partner to just love and find someone attractive that you do. Double whammy.

I'm not sure where your voice was in all of this. It sounds like you were looking for a unicorn and he has all the control... a bit like polygamy or a one penis policy (opp). great if you are into that, but it doesn't sound like you are so speak up. Tell her and him that she has to go and that they can conduct a relationship outside of your home on a balance of all your terms, not just theirs.

I suggest that you find your own partners in the future and leave him to find his. People are not pets and while its really nice that you think that you can take care of people and that they will just slide right in and be willing to be taken care of... they eventually have their own thoughts on what they want out of life and really it shouldn't be that big of a surprise. They have a right to what they need.

Sounds like you have some discussing to do and some changing to do... all of you. good luck with that... hopefully some reading here will help.

thesavageprincess 01-15-2011 07:36 PM

Look. John is my fiancÚ, she would never ask john to leave me nor would he ever. He said no matter what in the end its me and him. I'm protecting my relationship. And I have every right to. And no she is not committed to him. If she was she would not have the option to leave in her mind. She wants to leave. She does not want to continue a relationship after she has moved. She wants out. She does not want to have to share her significant other with another woman. So y would I continue on wanting to share my man with her.

redpepper 01-15-2011 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thesavageprincess (Post 60818)
Look. John is my fiancÚ, she would never ask john to leave me nor would he ever. He said no matter what in the end its me and him. I'm protecting my relationship. And I have every right to. And no she is not committed to him. If she was she would not have the option to leave in her mind. She wants to leave. She does not want to continue a relationship after she has moved. She wants out. She does not want to have to share her significant other with another woman. So y would I continue on wanting to share my man with her.

yup, time to say good bye. She could be a cowgirl... wanting to take your man away from you so she can have him all to herself.

The effort might be in convincing your man of this... he undoubtedly will miss the sex, but he is getting that elsewhere so what's the biggy? Or does he love her?

I still suggest that you read the threads I suggested as they might help next time he decides to move a lover in... his doing that has had an effect on you it seems... it seems to of depleted your sense of worth and your confidence that you are an appealing person to others... why? because he didn't consider you in his ideas about what he wants. He didn't respect your position in your dynamic. Not good ethics if you ask me. Take a read and see what you think. If you don't agree, then so be it. Everyone has a right to their opinion and thoughts on the matter.


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