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-   -   hello (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=52056)

SingToMeRaven 08-11-2013 01:26 PM

hello
 
I have been in a stable monogamous living situation for 7 years now--prior to that I had been in serially monogamous relationships nonstop for... a long time. I was even dating someone else long-distance when my partner came along. He was not comfortable with that arrangement, so as had been the pattern previously, I broke it off with my LDR. That's just what you do, right? Something better/different/intriguing comes along, and you move on.

Anyway, about a year ago, and for the first time in this relationship, I began to have that niggling sensation I was developing feelings for someone else. Nothing earth-shattering, but a disconcerting curiosity for what it might be like to explore feelings with someone else. Coincidentally, two friends of mine around that time "came out" as poly, and I thought, that's me! The answer to all my questions! This CAN work! Why of course I would love my partner to explore feelings with someone else if it meant he felt complete with me... yes!

Anywho, after doing some research (i.e., reading the forum, reading Opening Up, talking to my friend about what "works") I brought this to my partner. It went over like gangbusters. He said if he even found out I had feelings for someone else, he would leave me. I admitted to having feelings for someone else. We broke up.

Then got back together when I thought I could ignore it and promised to try really, really hard not to have feelings for someone else because sure, you can turn that thing on and off like a switch.

And last week, we broke up again because he cannot trust that my "feelings" will not return and complicate things in our otherwise harmonious relationship.

So, hi everyone. I'm here to read a little bit.

northhome 08-11-2013 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SingToMeRaven (Post 221209)
Then got back together when I thought I could ignore it and promised to try really, really hard not to have feelings for someone else because sure, you can turn that thing on and off like a switch.

Welcome! If you manage to find that switch I'm sure there are many that will be interested in its location. :)

Unfortunately, I believe a fair few us simply don't have one...

SingToMeRaven 08-11-2013 08:58 PM

hello
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by northhome (Post 221210)
Welcome! If you manage to find that switch I'm sure there are many that will be interested in its location. :)

Unfortunately, I believe a fair few us simply don't have one...

I am applying for a patent on the idea.

Natja 08-11-2013 09:09 PM

I am sorry to hear about your break up :(

But welcome!!!

SingToMeRaven 08-12-2013 12:08 AM

Everyone else seems to have such positive stories about telling their very supportive partners, it gave me quite a bit of confidence. Oh well. I chalk it up to the gods teaching me a little something about hubris.

Stevenjaguar 08-12-2013 02:24 AM

For him to attempt to control your feelings is really bad news. He must be really insecure and conservative at the same time (not an unusual combination). I would say there wasn't much future in a relationship like that anyway. You would certainly get tired of someone owning you like that.

Congratulations on your newfound freedom.

SingToMeRaven 08-12-2013 02:32 AM

I appreciate the rally, but he certainly was not attempting to control me. In fact he is quite supportive of my feelings, he just cannot participate. He is a child of a very dysfunctional divorce and divorced himself, so I think he has convinced himself that a traditional relationship is the ideal condition for him... Even though it hasn't worked out for him yet. I'm not out to convince him otherwise.

Obviously things on this end are far more complicated than I will describe in my forum post número uno, but my intention is not to vilify my partner and I apologize if that was the vibe I gave off. We are still partners, just of the nonromantic variety.

kdt26417 08-14-2013 11:06 PM

Hi SingToMeRaven,
Welcome to our forum.

Sorry you and your partner couldn't find common ground where polyamory is concerned. It sounds like you're still friends which is good. Each of you has to find the right path in life for you.

Hope you'll enjoy your time on our site and find it helpful. There's a lot of good reading material here, and a lot of good people to talk to.

Glad you're aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


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