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-   -   I've been lurking for years.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=52011)

Gabriella 08-10-2013 04:05 PM

I've been lurking for years....
 
....so I may as well introduce myself :)

My name is Gabriella and I'm in a married open relationship. My hubby could very easily be in a poly relationship and I've been lurking here forever to try to understand it. Maybe I should tell you more about myself.

I'm not very good at connecting with people face to face. I can't read body language at all; it's like a foreign language. All of the other relationships I have had before him started out with me thinking "I should probably be dating", looking around at the guys I knew, and deciding who I would have the most luck with. This includes my first marriage. I would like them, but I wouldn't have the experience of falling in love with them. My current marriage started with a kiss the first time we were alone together and I fell hard :)

I feel I needed to explain this to make this next part make sense. We're currently in a sexually open relationship, but my husband said he would be so happy if I fell in love with someone. The idea of either of us falling in love with anyone else makes my physically ill. I only have my experience loving him, so all I see is that same intensity for all love relationships. Intellectually I know that's not the case, but my heart is firmly in control in this matter.

The other problem is my lack of ability in meeting people. My lack of body language knowledge is holding me back. We went to a big swingers dance last year. Afterwards he asked me why I didn't talk to any of the people checking me out. I never noticed! I have to force myself to look at people in the eye; I'm used to seeing them as blobs not to bump into :o

If you made it this far, congratulations! I don't know how much I'll post, but ll keep lurking to see what insights I can get from all of you!

Gabriella

Magdlyn 08-10-2013 04:34 PM

Gabriella, are you telling us you have Asperger's syndrome? Lack of understanding body language and not liking to make eye contact...

Many Aspies do better with online dating, being online in general gets rid of body language and eye contact and lets you connect with people by their words. Would that help you?

Otoh, if you have no desire to date or "fall in love" because your h desires you to do so, by all means make that perfectly clear to him. But if he feels the desire for a 2nd romantic partnership, and that idea makes you physically ill, you've got some work to do. Many here have done that work, as I am sure you have read.

Gabriella 08-10-2013 04:53 PM

Thanks for the reply!

I've suspected that I may be an Aspie, but there is no formal diagnosis. He knows how I feel; we have talked a lot since we've opened up. He's good with this for now. He's currently involved with someone who doesn't want any attachments. The realization that I see love as only what we have is a fairly recent revelation, and were talking about all of the things "being in love" can mean. He is so patient; I'm really lucky :p

I have hooked up a couple of times online, but it has felt very unfulfilling. I also have cut things off while chatting online because the intensity of what's happening gets a little overwhelming. At that party I mentioned before we met some nice people that have become friends. One thinks I would do better within the swinging community, so that's something to try.

kdt26417 08-14-2013 10:09 PM

Greetings Gabriella,
Welcome to our forum.

I hope you and your husband can work out an agreement that works for both of you. Maybe he could get emotionally involved with some additional person, even while you keep your additional relationships casual?

Sounds like swinging could be an option for you. In the meantime, I'm glad you could join us on our site, and hope you'll continue to find it useful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.


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