out of the "closet"
hello everyone.. im kinda new to this site i havent posted yet but i feel like now is a good time to do so. thank you in advance for first reading what i assume will be a long post and secondly for any feedback you may be able to offer me in this situation. :)
i am by no means new to being in a poly type relationship. i have been married to my husband for 15 years. we have always been in an "open" relationship from the begining. before i knew there was a name for our lifestyle we just always called it open. for the first couple years we were together we focused on eachother and didnt really include anyone else in our relationship. we had our first child shortly after we were married and we were completely in love with our new little family. after awhile we began dating other people. we dated a couple for awhile then i dated a female and then when that was over i dated a man for awhile. we had a few relationships where we were together and some that were only my relationship or only his. things have always worked well.. most of the issues we encountered were with the other party not fully accepting our situation or not understanding or just deciding it wasnt for them and moving on. we were always completely open and honest with eachother about everything and there were several situations where the other party would request something to remain a secret or even requesting that we lie to their significant other... which was not acceptable. no lying no secrets. rule number 1 for us anyway. for the most part we always kept our poly status "in the closet" only between us, the parties involved and maybe a select one or two friends we felt truly understood us and our relationships. thats the basic groundwork of our situation. and now comes the long part lol about 4 years ago we became strictly friends with this couple we adored. we had alot in common and had a lot of fun together our children adored eachother and we spent alot of time together. we had grazed the surface of maybe being in a relationship together but it really just wasnt the right time for them in their relationship and we accepted that there was never any pressure to cross that line. we all had positive and somewhat romantic feelings for eachother (the guys are both straight) but it was just bad timing. in december of this past year she came down with an infection and she passed away a few days later. it was a huge shock for all of us.. of course for her fionce. he became deeply depressed and was having a hard time caring for himself and their small children. somehow childrens services became involved and they removed the children from his home and then shortly after that he was evicted from his apartment. so in a very short time he lost everything. my hubby and i helped him move out of his aprtment and helped him try to get through some of what he was going through. i started talking to him on the phone every day. we started spending more and more time together and eventually we realized that we had always had feelings for eachother and things ended up getting romantic. because he is a friend to my family and actually used to work with my dad the people around us had noticed that we have feelings for eachother and that we obviously have something going on more than the friendship we had always had. there was a discussion between my hubby he and i about what we wanted people to know and our situation became pretty public in our families rather quickly. (hubbys family still doesnt know) lately we have been facing so many questions and we have answered them. i even printed out a small packet of poly info to give to our families to help them understand our situation more... im just tired of the things that people keep saying that its bad for the children.. that if i want to be with another man i should divorce my husband. some have even offered to pay for his divorce attourney because i am obviously treating him badly and he deserves more respect. we always tell people that we are all happy in this situation that its better for all of us and we have all had many talks about our relationship we know what we expect of eachother and how we feel we have even discussed the situation with mine and hubbys 14 year old and he says he is happier with having bf around and he looks up to him. i have told people that if we are happy really happy why would they want to make it more complicated. i understand this lifestyle isnt for everyone... so now you know why i am coming to you glorious people. i really need some guidance or even just some positive input (negative as well if thats how you feel) just really want to hear what you guys really think because i know some of you have faced these challenges and have hopefully survived them well... thank you again for reading this. i look forward to hearing from you [/FONT]
Welcome to the site.
Your only mistake in any of this is assuming that other people have any right to make it their business. To be blunt, whom you choose to have feeling for is nobody's choice but your own. Giving other people room to judge, pick and question your faith and principles over things you have heartfelt feelings about is akin to laying on a cross and passing around a basket of nails to a group of carpenters.
Draw a line in the sand, and mean it.
And - Warmest wishes that all goes well for you. You seem like a decent human being to me.
PS - paragraph breaks, learn to like them a little, makes reading your posts easier. :)
Welcome to the forum! You will find a lot of support here! Wow! You have been through a lot! I hope you find comfort here.
The majority of people in this culture do not understand polyamory. I guess it's best to keep it confidential for the most part. If you need validation for your relationships, get that validation from people who do accept it- like people here on this forum.
Another thing that is important to understand- and I'm sure you have given this a lot of thought. The grief process is quite difficult and when a person is in the beginning stages of grief, they really aren't available for a healthy relationship. He really needs time to heal. I understand how compelling the attraction must have been, but be careful that you are not "rescuing him" so that he doesn't have to do the difficult work which is ahead of him.
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