Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Whose bed? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5190)

lovinhimloviner 01-15-2011 02:30 AM

Whose bed?
 
I don't think like other people I guess so I thought I would ask your opinion on the bed situation.

My husband's GF lives about an hour away. When she comes over I want her to feel comfortable in our home. The first night she came over I left to go to a friends house for girls night out. I made sure there were clean bed clothes and a couple candles on the headboard. I didn't think a anything about it. She ended up not staying the night because she wasn't sure how the kids would react the next morning. H said she seemed uncomfortable getting into our bed. I felt kind of offended at first. I worried that is why she left. It is just a piece of furniture. All of the love and togetherness feeling comes from having H right there with me. After reading some of the restrictions that have been places on some of the relationships I realize that people have an issue with having others in their bed. I guess what I am asking is where do they sleep while she is here if not in the bed? I just always figured I would take the couch and they could have the bed. I want them to be able to sleep together but I don't want to push her into something she is uncomfortable with.

LovingRadiance 01-15-2011 03:38 AM

might get better answers if you ask her.

But, for me, having JUST encountered this question for the second time.


It was no big deal to me for Maca (dh) to share our bed with another woman when I was in Washington (as was all of my stuff, we were supposed to be moving there).

But, we didn't move, now that's my room with all of my stuff.

I COULD move the most meaningful things to GG's room, but that would be bothersome for Maca... at the same time, just because HE'S comfortable enough to move to sex doesn't mean I'm comfortable enough to share my personal space with someone.

I don't know the person as well as he does, I don't have a friendship with her and I don't build relationships as quickly as him. Therefore, it's nothing to do with HIM-were she just walking into my life-she wouldn't be close enough to me to be sleeping in my room or being in my space without me there.

Therefore-it's not reasonable for her to be in my personal space yet. Period.

SO-they can use a hotel. If a hotel isn't feasible, then they'll have to figure something else out.

In your situation-you are comfortable, that's awesome, but since it would seem that she isn't, maybe it would be a good idea to ask her what exactly it is that is making her uncomfortable in order to address what would be comfortable for her.

lovinhimloviner 01-15-2011 03:51 AM

Thank you for your reply. I am going to talk to her about it tomorrow I just wanted to get some opinions before hand. Sorry

Fidelia 01-15-2011 05:02 AM

For me, the bed is I share with Fidelio not just a bed. It is our marriage bed, and it is sacred to us as a symbol of the rest and peace we find in each other.

Others have slept there: napping children, lazy dogs, family elders. But we don't bring other lovers into it.

Fidelio built our bed, especially for me, with his own two hands, to be our bed in our home forever. This is part of our cultural heritage. There are many other beds in the world; there are plenty of other beds in our house. But our bed is special and sacred and just for us.

Perhaps your metamour feels similarly.

MonoVCPHG 01-15-2011 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 60608)
But our bed is special and sacred and just for us.

.

My bed has this sacredness about it so I understand a part of this. I don't even feel cool just fooling around in RP and PN's bed unless he's there ;)

I don't see things as just objects; for me they hold energy from the experiences that are created around, in or on them. I get it..some things are sacred for me as well :)

GroundedSpirit 01-15-2011 03:26 PM

Hi Lovinhim,

I guess I'm more like you (furniture/spot) and yet I understand the feeling of those who view a space differently. As mono mentioned, there is an 'energy' that gets released into an area that can make it special. For me/us we feel adding to that energy is actually erotic. It doesn't detract from it. But that's us.

All else fails - buy an air bed - put it where you want ! They have advantages as you can get wilder and more creative (especially with multiple partners) and not worry about someone getting bounced off on the floor from 2 feet up ! :)

This was an interesting dynamic in our full motion waterbed. The 'wave' effect has caught more than one person unawares. Good for laughs but kind of breaks the moment when someone hits the floor.

GS

NeonKaos 01-15-2011 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 60745)
Hi Lovinhim,

I guess I'm more like you (furniture/spot) and yet I understand the feeling of those who view a space differently. As mono mentioned, there is an 'energy' that gets released into an area that can make it special. For me/us we feel adding to that energy is actually erotic. It doesn't detract from it. But that's us.


You say a bed is just a piece of furniture to you, yet you say that you like the erotic energy that gets released into it. So I don't think that the bed really IS "just furniture" to you - you just LIKE it when you have sex with your other partners in it. That is exactly the same principle as when people DON'T want to bring in other partners, but it is the opposite manifestation. If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.

GroundedSpirit 01-15-2011 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neon
If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.

Naw Neon,

You really don't 'get it' - pretty typical <evil grin>
The bed is not the 'space' and the space is not the 'bed'.

Let it go.

GS

NeonKaos 01-15-2011 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 60766)
Naw Neon,

You really don't 'get it' - pretty typical <evil grin>
The bed is not the 'space' and the space is not the 'bed'.

Let it go.

GS

You're right, I really don't get it when you and your <evil grin> contradict yourselves. That was why I was hoping you could explain it to me. I guess I ask for the impossible.

nycindie 01-15-2011 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 60748)
You say a bed is just a piece of furniture to you, yet you say that you like the erotic energy that gets released into it. So I don't think that the bed really IS "just furniture" to you - you just LIKE it when you have sex with your other partners in it . . . If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.

I didn't read it that way. I thought he meant that although the bed is just furniture, the space/area/room/environment/dynamic that is present holds the energy of the people involved. The bed itself isn't sacrosanct, but the energy of the people "playing" is felt and acknowledged, and can happen anywhere -- not just in the bed. So the bed is just furniture. While at the same time, there is a palpable energy present.


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:20 PM.