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-   -   New to poly and already got the NRE (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51543)

CrowRaven7889 08-05-2013 08:30 PM

New to poly and already got the NRE
Hello all! I'm brand new to polyamory (within the last month) despite having mentally "been there" for the last decade.

Recently, after a number of theoretical discussions over the past three years and a lusty encounter with a female friend last fall, my male partner of eight years and myself decided to open up our relationship to polyamory and he started a dating profile for us on a popular dating website. At first, we were certain it'd get written off as being creepy or us being "unicorn hunters" but we had an overwhelmingly good response to the profile. Specifically, I think he decided to open the profile so that I (maybe us) could find a girlfriend. It's important to add here that while I didn't "pull the trigger" so to speak, he had my verbal consent to do so at least a month before he did it.

Within the first week, we went to a local poly meet up to see some of the people that we talked to online that seemed really cool....

... and much to everyone's surprise (especially my own!), something has developed between me and one of our new male friends. He's in an established triad (with his wife and their male partner) and he's been into polyamory for most of the last decade.

My SO and my new friend spent most of the day yesterday with me on the couch snuggling and it was FANTASTIC. I felt so good, I never wanted to leave that couch!

However, I'm really struggling with this NRE and how crazy it's made me feel and trying to strike a balance between enjoying the feeling and being overly worried about it. I haven't had a crush this serious since I met my SO (hell, even when I was single before that and dating, I very rarely got a crush like this one) and I'm in that "can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus, can't think of anyone except new friend" stage right now. My SO has been understanding so far but other than some declarations of mutual interest in his presence and our new friend snuggling with us on the couch, nothing much has happened between new friend and me. Adding to the complexity, my friend's wife is sort of depressed lately. We want to rush forward throwing caution to the wind but we both know that's a TERRIBLE idea. Luckily, he also has a number of years of experience to draw from and has given me some really good advice that involves "don't act insane, make sure you give your SO plenty of attention" and has made a strong effort to be friends with my SO.

Also, I'm unsure how much effort I should put into talking to his wife. I really like her too (although just in a friendly manner) but I don't know if having her husband's new friend around is going to make her depression worse or not. I'm also dealing with some judgement and push back from more liberal of my friends that I've told. I so want to shout how I feel about new friend from the rooftops but that's just so damn tacky, I don't want to make my SO feel badly and I have no one that is understanding to talk to about it. AHH!

Anyways, I'm not totally sure what I'm asking for here (ha, nice introduction, right?) but anyways. Hello everyone! I guess I'm down the rabbit hole without having even planned it. Has anyone else dealt with NRE in a brand newly opened relationship, like, right out of the gate, here? If so, do you have any advice for a new comer?

kdt26417 08-06-2013 10:17 PM

Greetings CrowRaven7889,
Welcome to our forum.

I think your new friend is giving you good advice, and taking it slow, while tending to your SO, is the key. It probably wouldn't hurt to talk with the wife, just to get on the same page with her and offer your support.

Sometimes people plan ahead of time to be polyamorous and make a well-controlled entrance into poly life, but it is probably more common for someone to "fall into a poly situation" and learn what poly is afterwards. I certainly had some general changes in personal philosophy prior to my becoming poly, but I rather "fell into a poly situation."

You will certainly have opportunity on this site to talk to people that understand your situation, and get a better understanding about it. Have a look around at our various threads; there's a lot to learn here.

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T.

idealist 08-07-2013 03:54 AM

There is an art to enjoying NRE and allowing it to last and last!

Recognize it for what it is- it is infatuation and it is very common! It usually lasts between 6 to 18 months.
It can turn into an obsession if not managed.
An obsession can reek havoc on everyone involved and the relationship itself and start an emotional roller coaster.

It's great that you are involved with a guy that has experience in the lifestyle!

Sometimes there is an (unconscious) idea that NRE will evaporate or disintegrate when subjected to healthy boundaries, but I have found that the healthy boundaries will support the NRE and can extend it's life!

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