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-   -   Beginner's Worries (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51535)

SilverShades 08-05-2013 06:44 PM

Beginner's Worries
 
So here we are. We have come across a lovely lady who fits so well with us. It's a mutual feeling, interest, fumbling.

Nothing has happened yet, nothing more than some cuddling and some talks.

But I have worries.

The two of us live together and she lives a town away. So already the balance will be off. Boyfriend is not worried about this, but if we are to be completely equal, well I just don't see how that could be when two of us are always together and the third only is seen whenever there is a time we all have a day off together.

We have been together longer, we have history and even though I don't get jealous, I worry that if push comes to shove... well I know that I will always choose him over her. Most of it is out of necessity, as I said we live together, we are financially intertwined and I have know him longer, we have a longer track record of trust. This makes it hard for all things to be equal.

Not enough time. She has a daughter. I have school. We all have work. I'm just not sure how we will be able to make equal time. No, I know we can't make equal time.

My boyfriend believes that we can have an equal three-way relationship, and while I believe that could be a wonderful experience, I just don't believe it could be possible at this time. Not while two of us live together and the other doesn't.

Not that I'm against dating her. I would like to try. I just wish there was a way to convey this. I don't think my boyfriend realizes how idealistic he is being.

nycindie 08-08-2013 06:27 AM

What does being "equal" mean to you? Equal is not the same as fair. She might be perfectly happy staying where she is and not getting all tangled up in the everyday lives of the two of you. You don't all have to live together for everyone to be treated fairly and with respect, love, kindness, and consideration. I'd say the first thing you should do is stop referring to her as "the third" and keep yourself in check if you ever start thinking in a Couple Plus One mindset instead of One Plus One Plus One. There are four relationships happening here: you and him, you and her, her and him, and all three of you - so, just always remember that you are all individuals! Don't assume that she has the same dreams and ideals that you do!

Dirtclustit 08-08-2013 09:17 AM

Exactly
 
if you were speaking about children, equal would be the correct focus, but in a relationship, it has more to do with the "Fit" in that everyone is getting all their needs met so that they feel content. Sometimes that takes a bit of sacrifice on one or more person's part, but when it's done because you understand and desire to make adjustments for each other as opposed to a competition, the dynamic is not pulled or bent out of shape, fraught with emotional turbulence.

And hopefully it isn't some sort of sado|masochist type framework where one likes being abused and it's their comfort zone while another is comfortable abusing.

Which might fit great for certain people, but for many relationships it works when people treat each other like Nycindie mentioned, respect goes a long way towards providing the environment where a person can be emotionally healthy.

Some relationships are impossible for a person to be a part of and maintain their emotional health. Which is completely dependent upon those involved and how they treat each other, and how the "fit" together.

idealist 08-08-2013 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverShades (Post 219611)
The two of us live together and she lives a town away. So already the balance will be off. Boyfriend is not worried about this, but if we are to be completely equal, well I just don't see how that could be when two of us are always together and the third only is seen whenever there is a time we all have a day off together.
My boyfriend believes that we can have an equal three-way relationship, and while I believe that could be a wonderful experience, I just don't believe it could be possible at this time.

Hello and welcome to the forum! I am in a relationship (for 10 years) with a guy and we have also had the fantasy of finding a woman that could share in our relationship! So I understand your desire! In fact, that desire is what brought us into the lifestyle!

After 3 years of searching and meeting lots of awesome people, we have relaxed our image- the specific vision we had at first.

I am also now operating as a women available to be accepted into relationships with couples. And i am dating several awesome couples!

The thing i find with people and life..... It's fine to have ideals, but better to let go of specifics and focus mostly on values and intentions.

And- those values and intentions should be realistic.

Not sure if "equality" is realistic or necessary here. Just wondering what the concept of "equality" is about for you?

It's sort of like perfection. If it can't be perfect, then it's not worth pursuing. But perfection and equality are subjective concepts. They are also a matter of perspective and the amount of power we give to them.

We can use the fact that something falls short of perfection to avoid doing it altogether. I'm wondering if that is what you are doing or attempting to do without realizing it?

JaneQSmythe 08-09-2013 06:34 AM

I'll echo some of the others and encourage you to investigate what you mean by "equal" and what it means in this scenario.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverShades (Post 219611)
The two of us live together and she lives a town away. So already the balance will be off. Boyfriend is not worried about this, but if we are to be completely equal, well I just don't see how that could be when two of us are always together and the third only is seen whenever there is a time we all have a day off together.

"but if we are to be completely equal" Who says you have to be "completely equal"? How is that even possible? NO people/relationships are completely equal because NO people/relationships are the SAME. You are focusing on the time/distance factor in your measure of "equality" here - but maybe that is not a factor that the others find important. (Perhaps, for instance, it is the depth of potential intimacy - not the time spent that is important.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverShades (Post 219611)
We have been together longer, we have history and even though I don't get jealous, I worry that if push comes to shove... well I know that I will always choose him over her. Most of it is out of necessity, as I said we live together, we are financially intertwined and I have know him longer, we have a longer track record of trust. This makes it hard for all things to be equal.

Again with the "equal". I have been with MrS for 21 years. I have been with Dude for 2.5. Of course our relationships are not in the same place (and at the 2.5 year mark with MrS I was much more guarded than I am at that same "relationship age" with Dude - I've learned a bit more about myself in the intervening 18.5 years - I am not the same person I was then). I can't cram 21 years of history into 30 months - relationships take time to grow and evolve - and they each follow their own path. There is no script.

What is important to me, in terms of equal, is that each relationship has the opportunity to grow in the time and direction that it will, without artificial restriction. In another 18.5 years my relationship with Dude (if it exists) will be in a different place than my relationship with MrS is now. At that point, my relationship with MrS (if it exists) will be 39.5 years old and will certainly be in a different place than it is now. Because in the intervening years me, MrS, and Dude (and all of our various relationships) will be growing and learning and developing in different ways and at different rates.


Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverShades (Post 219611)
Not enough time. She has a daughter. I have school. We all have work. I'm just not sure how we will be able to make equal time. No, I know we can't make equal time.

No, you CAN'T make equal time. What you CAN do is try to make sure that each person/relationship has the opportunity to get their needs met within the relationships that are forming. One of the biggest lessons, for me, over the last two years is the Equal =/= Fair.

For instance, Dude wants/needs way more physical affection (cuddling/kissing/sex) than MrS does. MrS appreciates "quality time" in the form of deep philosophical conversations and emotional bonding. So, trying to make everything equal (kiss for Dude, kiss for MrS; 20 minutes of conversation with MrS, 20 minutes of conversation with Dude; etc.) is counterproductive. Dude gets less physical affection than he wants and too much jabberng - MrS gets annoyed with physical affection that he doesn't want and misses the emotionally bonding conversations. Focus on what each person needs and wants out of each relationship and toss out the artificial constraint of "equal".

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverShades (Post 219611)
My boyfriend believes that we can have an equal three-way relationship, and while I believe that could be a wonderful experience, I just don't believe it could be possible at this time. Not while two of us live together and the other doesn't.

Not that I'm against dating her. I would like to try. I just wish there was a way to convey this. I don't think my boyfriend realizes how idealistic he is being.

Your boyfriend may be caught up in the NRE (either with this girl or with the idea of what poly might mean) - my advice would be to be patient. Let things grow and develop without forcing them in any particular direction. Foster communication that allows each person to express what they are feeling - their hopes and expectations, their needs and wants, their doubts and fears. Go slow. Breathe.

Good Luck.

JaneQ


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