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-   -   So from mono to "it's complicated" is...complicated (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51533)

Darkling 08-05-2013 06:04 PM

So from mono to "it's complicated" is...complicated
 
Good morning,
I've been in an happy monogamous marriage for over 8 years, and with my husband for over a decade. Over a year ago I developed a crush on another guy, and my husband and I have been figuring out how we are going to deal with it since then. The solution to this problem that we are currently agreed on is basically an in-the-closet poly relationship of some kind between me and this guy. We've read some books, read some stuff online, talked to some friends in poly relationships, and had about a thousand conversations about what that might look like in theory/practice.

I imagined that it would be emotionally complex for a lot of reasons. (I didn't exactly pick the best person to develop an attachment to, it's totally uncharted territory for us, jealousy is a real thing, that's just the top three). Still, I thought he said that I could tell my crush that I have a crush on him. I did, and I think that the other party is cautiously willing to consider at least discussing the subject with me further. I think that despite me trying to go about the whole thing as carefully as possible my hubby and I are still not exactly on the same page. :) I'm trying to come up with some sort of euphemism for massive amounts of feelings coming up that while not unexpected or unreasonable are still something that we've never had to deal with in exactly this way before.

Now I'm thinking, "why am I doing this?" I have flirted with poly situations in the past, and suspect that it is a possibility for me, but what if it really isn't for him? I figure I can't be the only person dipping my toes into the shallow end of this pool that is wondering if I'm totally nuts for thinking that this is a valid possibility.

Anyway, nice to meet you all,

~darkling

dingedheart 08-05-2013 08:16 PM

hi and welcome,


What the answer to why am I doing this ?
Quote:

but what if it really isn't for him?
he develops coping skills or death to one of your relationships .

Quote:

I'm totally nuts for thinking that this is a valid possibility
No not nut ...it's a possibility ...but I think it's personalities and situation dependent.

Good luck ...D

NutBusterX 08-05-2013 09:06 PM

Hello Darkling and welcome :)

Your situation is one that is very viably successful. Lots of communication and willingness to move at the pace of whoever is experiencing the most discomfort is a plan that works well for my relationships. Lots of people here on this forum will give you good advice and many different perspectives. Best of luck to all three of you!

kdt26417 08-05-2013 09:56 PM

Hi Darkling,
Welcome to our forum.

I obviously consider poly to be a viable possibility, but you have to decide if it's right for you in your situation.

Re:
Quote:

"I didn't exactly pick the best person to develop an attachment to ..."
What are your concerns in that area?

Re:
Quote:

"... it's totally uncharted territory for us ..."
Continue to read and post on this website, and you will get more information and wisdom about how to proceed. The Golden Nuggets board might be a good place to start.

Re:
Quote:

"... jealousy is a real thing ..."
Perhaps one or more of the following links might help:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Darkling 08-07-2013 01:39 PM

Complicated
 
Good morning,

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it!

"willingness to move at the pace of whoever is experiencing the most discomfort is a plan that works well for my relationships."

This is a good perspective. I will repeat this to myself while taking very deep breaths. :)

As for me picking the right person...I think that the right person would be, a.) someone that my husband and I met at the same time, not someone who I met independently that he didn't know, b.) Someone that he at least knew/liked, c.) someone who was either my husband's age or older, d.) someone who was also a parent, e.) and a few other things that if I wrote them would instantly make this post less anonymous ;).

Thanks again,

~darkling

nycindie 08-07-2013 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darkling (Post 220073)
As for me picking the right person...I think that the right person would be, a.) someone that my husband and I met at the same time, not someone who I met independently that he didn't know, b.) Someone that he at least knew/liked, c.) someone who was either my husband's age or older, d.) someone who was also a parent . . .

It sounds like you're talking about the "right" person for your husband to approve of, rather than who is right for YOU to be (potentially) involved with. However, this guy could have all the attributes you mentioned, and your husband could still be uncomfortable or struggling. You and your husband are two individuals, and each of you will have relationships (including platonic friendships) with people that the other may not really understand/get along/have an easy rapport with. Those relationships have their own dynamics, and they can be wildly different from the dynamic you have with your husband - and that's perfectly OK.

The who shouldn't be as important to him as the how, I think. You and husband need to keep communicating about how are you going to approach this while being respectful of each other, yet also acknowledging the autonomy and agency each of you are entitled to in living your own lives as you see fit.

HistoryLives 08-07-2013 06:09 PM

Hi Darkling,

I have only been open about this for a month myself and the person who is my SO well we are not a "standard" couple but love does not see those things. I have been friends with my SO for several years prior - well you can read my into (its not that many posts ago)

LOVE IS BLIND to the rules society has put in place from the standpoint of what is expected.

HUGS!


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