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-   -   is this polyamory (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5147)

belleisle 01-14-2011 12:38 PM

is this polyamory
 
I know a man who is married and plays with as many woman as he can.
his wife does not know of this lifestyle and he indulges in it away from home.
he says he cares deeply about all his partners, although he is constantly searching for more.He is currently playing with 5 or 6 and looking for more.
is this Polyamory or something else?
Belleisle

NeonKaos 01-14-2011 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by belleisle (Post 60405)
I know a man who is married and plays with as many woman as he can.
his wife does not know of this lifestyle and he indulges in it away from home.
he says he cares deeply about all his partners, although he is constantly searching for more.He is currently playing with 5 or 6 and looking for more.
is this Polyamory or something else?
Belleisle

You obviously haven't read ANYTHING on this forum.

I'm a little confused why you would go out of your way to research this question on someone else's behalf and not even attempt to do a little reading before asking such a basic question.

Ordinarily, I might be a little more gentle with you if you came here with your own crisis, not thinking straight and needing help. But this is someone else's problem, not yours (unless you are one of the women he is fucking - in which case, to answer your question, NO, it is NOT polyamory, it is a CHEATING AFFAIR).

belleisle 01-14-2011 12:57 PM

anger management
 
I did not casually post this.
And I am easing my way into this forum.
And it is not on someone elses behalf.
And I did almost become involved with him.
please do not respond to me, if you feel the need to do so in anger.

NeonKaos 01-14-2011 01:07 PM

I said i was confused, not angry. There is a difference. (ETA: the OP looked like a troll post at first glance.)

You really should read the forum. There is a lot of good information already written here.

A good place to start is:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830

or do a tag-search for "cheating" and "affair".

Catfish 01-14-2011 01:15 PM

Polyamory is an evolving term in my opinion. But the barest bones of it are all about love. Not playing with people or hiding what you do. The short answer is no. He is a player.

belleisle 01-14-2011 02:31 PM

Exactly
 
Exactly.Thanks for the confirmation
Owning up, taking responsibility, looking in the mirror is hard.

booklady78 01-14-2011 05:28 PM

belleisle, I understand first getting on the forums and not quite knowing where to start.

In my opinion, the man you described does seem to be having affairs with multiple women, which is not considered poly. One could call it swinging, although in either poly or swinging, one's partners are usually still aware of any sexual activity or relationships.

You indicate that he claims to care about his sex partners, but apparently not the wife he chose to build a life with, and I find that very sad.

People may define poly in sorts of ways, but I've learned that honesty and trust are the foundations of any relationship, including poly.

The suggestion to look for posts and stickies is a good one, enter in a keyword and see what you can find.

And please don't be afraid to ask questions. You are not required to do alot of research before proving to anyone that your question is worthy. Yes, it may have been asked many, many times before, but it's still a new question to you.

Take care!
booklady78

Neon: Some of us may be confident enough to know the text book definition of what poly is, but many people are unsure - which is what leads them to these forums. I'm not a custodian, just a member. I look at my presence on the forums as a way to seek out information and support I need. I also hope to share any experience and opinion I have so that I may help others. I'm a retail manager and if a customer came in looking for something I thought was obvious, I wouldn't say "Gawd, didn't you SEE the giant sign there?!" I would try to be polite, welcoming, and do my best to help without judging their level of understanding. Your response came off as rather harsh and not especially welcoming to a new member who is obviously unsure and seeking help. Whether or not she is asking on someone elses behalf is irrelevant, she's asking. Maybe you are fortunate enough to live in a community that fully understands what poly is, but most of us don't. And when someone want's to understand what poly is, for themselves, for someone else, or just for the sake of knowing, it's in our best interest to articulate our answers responsibly.

belleisle 01-14-2011 06:16 PM

Interpreting Polyamorous
 
Than you Booklady for the supportive reply.
I had been emailing this man for 8 months and knew he was not monogamous.
As I do not want a monogamous relationship, this did not bother me.
Because of the issue of sexual safety, which I take very seriously, I did ask a more revealing question that resulted in finding out the info I posted.
I presented it in as factual a manner as I could because I wanted to confirm what I basically already knew....He is a player trying to pass off his behavior as something else. I was really disappointed, but relieved that I found out.
I have a fairly good working knowledge of what Polyamory is, although I have never lived the lifestyle.

nycindie 01-14-2011 08:39 PM

Belleisle,
If his wife is not aware he's sleeping around, it isn't poly. If he's calling it poly to justify what he's doing, it is clear that he doesn't even know what polyamory is himself -- because he's obviously already told you his wife doesn't know. He is just trying to get you in the sack. I'd stay far away from him. He's a liar and a cheater. And he seems a bit stupid, too.

redpepper 01-15-2011 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 60495)
Belleisle,
If his wife is not aware he's sleeping around, it isn't poly. If he's calling it poly to justify what he's doing, it is clear that he doesn't even know what polyamory is himself -- because he's obviously already told you his wife doesn't know. He is just trying to get you in the sack. I'd stay far away from him. He's a liar and a cheater. And he seems a bit stupid, too.

This, and he could also be using the term, as some do, to deceive women into thinking that he cares. He doesn't care and he doesn't respect women. He enjoys fucking them and that is it... no one, in my opinion can really actively carry on solid loving relationships with good foundations if there is that many and adding more... not only that but his wife doesn't know. He's a cheater and a user. That is it. Not worth bothering with if you ask me.


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