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-   -   Std testing...asking for accommodations (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51300)

gorgeouskitten 08-03-2013 11:54 AM

Std testing...asking for accommodations
 
So this is a straight up sex and std question, could use some input. My boyfriend and I each have a spouse. Me, boyfriend and his spouse have all been tested recently, my spouse has not but the people he has slept with had been and spouse and I use condoms for birth control, also use condoma with boyfriend, boyfriend and his wife are fluid bonded (oral is unprotected with both bf and spouse for me)

So here's the deal, BF's wife has taken a new partner, he is the first 'stranger' (anyone one else our spouses have slept with have been friends we know well, bf and I haven't had others since getting involved) and he has not been tested. She has used condoms for sex and toys, and no oral. I'm uncomfable with new guys status and her being fluid bonded with our shared partner. I want to ask him if she'll be tested a few weeks from first encounter or if she'll ask him to do it now, and that until testing his done he not have more 'risky' unprotected behaviors with her.

Is this reasonable? Or am I took far removed to be asking?

CattivaGattina 08-03-2013 01:08 PM

Right now the only thing I'm curious about is what behaviors you are finding risky/unprotected. You said they are using condoms for sex and any toy use and that they are not having oral sex.

What of her behaviors with her boyfriend has you fearful that you'll get something from your shared partner with her?

london 08-03-2013 01:11 PM

Firstly, why does it matter whether he is a stranger or not? Really ask yourself this. Do you think people you know are somehow less risky in terms of STDs? Surely, this issue would be an issue regardless of how well you know the person. It's about the fact that his status is unknown, isn't it? It isn't about the fact he isn't from your clique and therefore might be germy?

It's a bit vague, but from what I can gather, she has used condoms with him for everything except oral. The risk of contracting an STD orally is relatively low. If you are worried about herpes transmission with barrier contraceptive use, then you should also require your husband to be tested for HSV1+2. Or do you think your husband is less likely to have herpes because... he is from your network?

Who you are trying to protect here, primarily, is you, like you should be. I suggest that you look at STDs a little differently. Instead of you aiming to never catch one, aim to have any STD you happen to catch diagnosed as quickly as possible. This means the onus is on you to get tested that little bit more regularly. You can encourage those around you to take a similar stance but you cannot make them. It's best to just worry about you.

WhatHappened 08-03-2013 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 219145)
I suggest that you look at STDs a little differently. Instead of you aiming to never catch one, aim to have any STD you happen to catch diagnosed as quickly as possible.

I'm just seeking clarification: does this mean that you (London) see catching an STD as somewhat inevitable?

Marcus 08-03-2013 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 219139)
I want to ask him if she'll be tested a few weeks from first encounter or if she'll ask him to do it now, and that until testing his done he not have more 'risky' unprotected behaviors with her.

In my world this request would be met with a raised eyebrow. If *you* want to adjust *your* behavior because you see something as being a risk then that is your business. You telling someone else what *they* need to do to help you avoid risk is not appropriate.

You get to live your life and adjust your actions. The moment you start telling other people that they should adjust their actions to suit your preference then you have externalized responsibility for your health (physical and otherwise) as well as risked creating an unhealthy power dynamic.

I am also with Cattiva though, it sounds like your bases are all covered. Where do you see risk?

london 08-03-2013 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhatHappened (Post 219152)
I'm just seeking clarification: does this mean that you (London) see catching an STD as somewhat inevitable?

No, I think it's a risk. Some people might have a higher risk depending on their medical history or sexual practices. Either way, it isn't the end of the world and the best thing would be to ensure that anything you did contract is diagnosed and treated promptly so you don't put yourself at risk of complications from infections or other people at risk of getting it too.

I think that generally, people worry too much about what other people are doing when it comes to STD's, and not enough about how they could minimize their own risk of coming to significant harm from an STD. Personally, I'm fluid bonded with both my partners now. We are meant to use protection outside of this and I'm sure they do; I trust them but shit happens and unfortunately, people lie. I prevent myself getting pregnant, I don't have to trust someone else to - for them, they have to both trust that their partner will protect their physical health and also prevent pregnancy when it comes to fluid bonding. Just because I know we all have multiple partners and that does increase risk, I have an STD test monthly. I also take what precautions I can during unprotected sex to minimise the risk of me contracting HIV if one of them were to contract it between their tests. I have monthly spot checks for HIV and quarterly blood tests. Getting HIV would suck, but it would be much better if I knew ASAP. I have told my partners this but they get tested 3-6 monthly. That's totally up to them.

GalaGirl 08-03-2013 03:07 PM

If you are uncomfortable and want to know something in your polynetwork, just ASK. It doesn't mean you will get any reply. But you sure won't get reply if you are silent. People are not mind readers.

As to your sex practices/habits and comfort level -- that's all on you. You could ask if she's willing/he's willing to not have more 'risky' unprotected behaviors together until his testing clears. They might be willing. They might NOT be willing to grant your request.

But YOU could also take responsibility for your own sex practices and tell your people you are sticking to "barrier" sex (condoms, gloves, whatever you use) until his labs clear.

HTH!
Galagirl

BigGuy 08-03-2013 03:29 PM

You have the right to ask for anything you want in a relationship. Are people required to give you everything you ask? Of course not.

Is what your contemplating asking for unreasonable? Some would say yes others no. For me, your described situation wouldn't bother me. But I'm not you. You have to do what makes you feel safe and comfortable.

My wife can't stand to touch or be touched on her (or by) feet because of "cooties". I don't think the same way. Is she being unreasonable asking me not to touch her feet? Perhaps, but I'm willing to accommodate. It's all part of being in a relationship.

london 08-03-2013 03:35 PM

Quote:

My wife can't stand to touch or be touched on her (or by) feet because of "cooties". I don't think the same way. Is she being unreasonable asking me not to touch her feet? Perhaps, but I'm willing to accommodate. It's all part of being in a relationship.
It would be unreasonable, however, for her to require you not to touch or be touched by other people's feet because of her fear of something imagined.

Marcus 08-03-2013 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 219163)
My wife can't stand to touch or be touched on her (or by) feet because of "cooties". I don't think the same way. Is she being unreasonable asking me not to touch her feet? Perhaps, but I'm willing to accommodate. It's all part of being in a relationship.

The answer to this question is no. Unequivocally, no. It is in no way unreasonable for someone to tell (not ask) me what she is not into and tell (not ask) me to not do it to her.

This is a good example of her taking responsibility for her desires and limitations. If she were to tell you not to touch *other* peoples feet because it makes her uneasy, that would be closer to what the OP is suggesting which is what would get a raised eyebrow from me.


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