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-   -   How long between meeting & dating.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5125)

LovingRadiance 01-13-2011 11:18 PM

How long between meeting & dating....
Maca and I were having an intriguing conversation about dating/breakups etc.

We're wondering-for all of you who are bored.

How long between meeting someone, establishing a friendship and then establishing a "more than just friends" relationship with a partner?

How long did the "more than just friends" relationship last?

We are wondering because its my opinion that establishing a long term friendship first makes for a higher probability that the "more than friends" relationship will last...

It's his opinion that when people are interested in finding someone for a "more than friends" relationship-they aren't interested in building a "just friends" relationship for extended period of time first.

nycindie 01-13-2011 11:27 PM

Your question reminds me of one I answered on OKCupid. Here it is:

Which of the following relationship timelines would you most prefer?
  1. Attraction > lovers > love > friends
  2. Friends > love > attraction > lovers
  3. Attraction > friends > love > lovers
  4. Attraction > friends > lovers > love

My usual modus operandi with romantic partners is #1. Very rarely am I "friends first" with someone. If that happens, it usually never goes beyond friendship. But I have remained good friends with men who started as lovers.

Magdlyn 01-13-2011 11:34 PM

In both of my current LDRs, we had sex on the first or 2nd date. I just *knew* it felt right with those 2 special people. And I've been with both of them for about 2 years now.

My gf was the first person to get in my pants in 33 years, besides my ex. I was eager and curious and in no mood to beat around the bush. Er, actually I was eager to beat around the bush...:D

I'm sure it could happen the other way around, tho. We all have different styles and levels of comfort around intimacy. There's no right or wrong way.

nycindie 01-13-2011 11:42 PM


Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 60311)
In both of my current LDRs . . .

Don't you mean LTRs? They're long-term, not long-distance, right?

Ariakas 01-13-2011 11:42 PM

Excluding my most recent meteor relationship, all of mine had started at a bar...I wasn't looking for anything beyond that night.

My first 7 year relationship, I met her...I think...at a house party. ummm...I was 17 and she was coming after me badly. She was 23. I was hooking up with another girl at the time. It was fun times, but I ended up with the second girl. 7 years later, it ended. I wasn't looking for anything but sex. Ironically it didn't really work out for me haha

My second "relationship" I picked her up at a party too. I was not looking for a relationship. Was a fireball of a relationship. She changed me in many ways. In fact, I am who I am today, because she catalyzed me.

Pengrah - picked her up in a bar. Planned on a short term fling. 10 years later. ;)

I am not in a place to talk about sourgirl...not yet...:(...She was the only one I had a friendship with first...


Magdlyn 01-13-2011 11:48 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 60315)
Don't you mean LTRs? They're long-term, not long-distance, right?

Oh yes, I meant LTRs. Got my acronyms messed up. Altho they both do live about 20 miles away from me, in different directions. So, not as close by as I would like.

LovingRadiance 01-14-2011 12:04 AM

I have to agree with Maca, interesting answers.

I'm curious-have any of you read about the chemistry that goes on in your brain when you meet a new "potential"?

I ask-because with that information in my head, which I've known for sometime,
there is no way I could consider someone as a potential long term relationship until I'd known them for at least a year.

Mind you-I also had my first child at 16. When things ended with her dad, my whole attitude changed, because each "potential" was also a "potential risk" to my daughter.....

So-I'm just curious about how other people see things. :)

I knew who Maca was for 10 years. I knew his father VERY well. I still think our "truly getting to know each other to in a committed relationship" went WAY WAY WAY too fast.

I was friends with GG for 2 years, had sex once.
Non-sexual friends for another 5+ years before we become lovers.... .

I've now known Maca for 22 years, together for almost 13.
Known GG for almost 18 years.... "together" for 6 or so...

SNeacail 01-14-2011 12:36 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 60306)
  1. Attraction > lovers > love > friends
  2. Friends > love > attraction > lovers
  3. Attraction > friends > love > lovers
  4. Attraction > friends > lovers > love

There's a few combinations missing:D

As I watch the singles around me opperate, this is what I personally see

Under 25:
Friends > Attraction > Love > Lovers
Friends > Attraction > Lovers > Love
Attraction > Friends > Lovers > Love

Over 30:
Attraction > Lovers > Friends > Love
Attraction > Lovers > Love > Friends

With my husband, I fell under the Friends> Attraction > Love > Lovers category. Today, would probably be a much different story.

redpepper 01-14-2011 01:06 AM

It's so random for me. PN was a gradual thing, with an instant attraction for more, Mono was instant for lover/friendship, Derby was friendship first and then it has blossomed. When I think back it has been a matter of who and circumstance. I can't think of anyone that I would not consider a friend now, and they me. It didn't matter how it started, it ended up the same... friends. I have warm fussy feelings about all of them and I think they do about me. I think some are confused and don't get what the heck I am doing now, but they still love and care about me and cherish our memories like old friends do.

LovingRadiance 01-14-2011 02:30 AM

Me to RP,
they are all friends now.

I am always saying to people, that I am a "once you're in, you're in for life" kind of person.

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