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-   -   Dating and the talk about 'attraction' (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51228)

Cleo 08-02-2013 07:40 AM

Dating and the talk about 'attraction'
 
A little background:
I never dated much, met my husband when I was very young. When I started dating a couple of years ago, I had a very practical approach: Usually already on the first date, I would tell the guy wether or not I was attracted to him and could see something more than friendship - or I would kiss him by the end of the date, sort of to let him know the same thing without words :)

After getting together with my BF's C (now ex) and MrBrown, I hardly dated for almost a year and a half. Now I'm back on OKCupid, and actively dating - had 2 dates this past week.

I find my approach has changed and I wonder why, and was wondering how other 'daters' approach the issue of 'is there physical attraction and do we need to talk about this?'

I had a date earlier this week with a very cute smart funny guy. But for some reason I did not dare to bring up the 'hey I like you do you also like me?' question. It felt good at the time to just let things be. I wasn't sure if he was interested in me. But we've been in touch through email and texting. Last night we texted and I asked 'so are you interested in more than just chatting?' and he teased me about being so fortright and said 'you'll find out when we get together again' and other things that made it pretty clear that yes he is, but for the fun of it, is not admitting it now.


Last night I had another date with a guy I've been emailing with quite a bit. We have a lot in common and the conversation was very easy, natural and fun. However I felt zero attraction...
He sent me a message this morning saying he's looking forward to meeting me again. I think I would like to see him again (though not immediately) as a friend, but now am worried should I tell him that I can't see anything but platonic friendship between us?

Short version:
do you explicitly talk about sexual attraction (or the lack thereof) with new people, which makes things clear but sort of takes away some of the fun and mystery, or do you let things develop (with the danger that there are misunderstandings)?

london 08-02-2013 09:47 AM

Always be forthcoming. That guy might not want to waste time with someone who has already friend zoned him

Cleo 08-02-2013 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 218839)
Always be forthcoming. That guy might not want to waste time with someone who has already friend zoned him

Yeah I already emailed him.
Still interested in the dynamics of all this though! For some reason I feel like a dating newbie all over again.

bookbug 08-02-2013 01:16 PM

I guess I am a bit different - I may know if I am definitely not attracted, but if I am not turned off, it still takes me awhile to determine if I am in fact attracted. The reason being is because what attracts me is the person's mind, and that takes a little while to figure out. (Oh sure I notice whether someone is physically attractive, but it is all artwork to me. I've seen some really pretty people have very ugly minds.)

In any case your recent change in approach may have something to do with the individual(s) themselves; maybe you are still getting getting reacquainted with the dating process; or perhaps something about you has changed since you last dated - maybe the question isn't as black and white as it used to be.

Inyourendo 08-02-2013 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 218839)
Always be forthcoming. That guy might not want to waste time with someone who has already friend zoned him

Yep, just tell him you don't feel any chemistry and move on. I've been physically attracted but felt no chemistry and vice versa, its so crazy.

RainyGrlJenny 08-02-2013 06:20 PM

I like to give it at least a couple dates. It takes me a while sometimes to know how I really feel about someone, and I don't always think first dates are a great way to judge attraction. After a 2 or 3 dates, though, I think people usually know what they want, and at that point it should be communicated.

First date with Fly, there was zero chemistry or attraction. He was too short, too old, kind of dorky. I actually had a friend call during the date, and used it as an excuse to cut it short. I started dating someone else, but kept chatting online with Fly over the following month, and he really grew on me. Our next date, about 5 weeks later, I let him relieve me of my virginity and we've been together for over 7 years. :) I'm glad I gave him another chance.

Cleo 08-02-2013 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainyGrlJenny (Post 218934)
I like to give it at least a couple dates. It takes me a while sometimes to know how I really feel about someone, and I don't always think first dates are a great way to judge attraction. After a 2 or 3 dates, though, I think people usually know what they want, and at that point it should be communicated.

First date with Fly, there was zero chemistry or attraction. He was too short, too old, kind of dorky. I actually had a friend call during the date, and used it as an excuse to cut it short. I started dating someone else, but kept chatting online with Fly over the following month, and he really grew on me. Our next date, about 5 weeks later, I let him relieve me of my virginity and we've been together for over 7 years. :) I'm glad I gave him another chance.

see, it's stories like this that make me think I sometimes judge too fast, too soon!

yesterday's guy... such a great guy. His response to me telling him I didn't feel a lot of chemistry? text book perfect. a hint of disappointment, just enough to flatter me - honesty - respect - expressing interest to see me again as a friend.
so maybe that's what I should do!

LovingRadiance 08-02-2013 08:00 PM

I know immediately if it's NO WAY.
But-I am most attracted to the mind, so one date isn't usually enough for me to decide if it's going to be a HELL YES.

Anneintherain 08-04-2013 01:23 AM

I'll go on up to three dates if I think is somebody is great and might be good to know but don't feel I'm attracted to them. After my first date with Adam I was not attracted to him at all and only interested in being friends. As I was sure surprised when a couple meetings later we were dating, it encouraged me to give people a chance (as even if he and I turned out to have vastly differing libidos, there is still chemistry present). I didn't actually feel attraction or sexual chemistry on first dates with either of my other two partners either, but they still turned out to have wonderful sexual compatibility with me. If at date three I'm still not feeling anything, I'll tell them dating wont work.

edit: not sure if it matters, but I am rarely feel immediate attractions to people - probably once a year or so I find myself drawn to another person - I have no idea if this would be different for people who regularly find themselves having chemistry with others! Think I'll ask my partners out of curiosity, they tilt that way more.

RainyGrlJenny 08-05-2013 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cleo (Post 218942)
yesterday's guy... such a great guy. His response to me telling him I didn't feel a lot of chemistry? text book perfect. a hint of disappointment, just enough to flatter me - honesty - respect - expressing interest to see me again as a friend.
so maybe that's what I should do!

What is there to lose? A person can always use new friends :) If you definitively disliked him, I'd say cut him loose, but if you enjoyed hanging out with him and he took your romantic refusal graciously, then I think there's no reason not spend a little more time.

For me, dating isn't the single-minded search for a romantic mate that it seems to be for some other people; it's an opportunity to widen my circle and enrich my life with a variety of relationships and interactions, however they may develop. I don't think it's a waste of time to discover people I like, even if I don't want to fuck them or build a life with them.

Be honest about how you feel, but don't burn bridges before you're certain you don't want to cross them. :)


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