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-   -   Moment of self pity (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51214)

Flowerchild 08-02-2013 05:32 AM

Moment of self pity
 
I keep reading stories out there of some woman dating a man whose wife is "thrilled" that they've found love....and here I find myself....well, not even close to that. In my case, the wife thinks I'm totally useless and unattractive (I'm slender, Asian, late 20s, and running a project to bring new jobs to a city that both needs and can support it).

Is it unrealistic to expect her to be happy for me?

dingedheart 08-02-2013 06:29 AM

I don't know ....are you good friends with her?

Where you reading those stories ? Do you think that's the norm ? I don't know the norm but maybe those stories are more fiction than reality. Or happen but with less frequency.


Hey congratulations on the project :D. I'm happy for you.

Ltmusicdude 08-02-2013 10:02 AM

More info
 
So what do you mean she thinks you're "useless"? I wouldn't be so worried about how attractive she thinks you are btw.

Dagferi 08-02-2013 12:09 PM

Most likely she is jealous of you.

Marcus 08-02-2013 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flowerchild (Post 218807)
In my case, the wife thinks I'm totally useless and unattractive

She told you these things? Or she told him these things and he's reporting them to you?

bookbug 08-02-2013 12:57 PM

Unfortunately, it appears that monogamy is drilled into people's heads from a young age (I appear to be the one exception that I know of), that many appear to let the behaviors of competition and jealousy continue to rule their psyches. In that case, you could be the most kind, most attractive, most accomplished, most talented person on Earth, and it would likely only make her jealousy worse.

While I don't think it is unrealistic across the board to want the wife to be happy for you, it appears it may be in this case.

All of that said, Marcus makes a point. From whom are you getting this info?

GalaGirl 08-02-2013 03:28 PM

Who is telling you this?

The same BF who is telling you the other brainwashy sounding things?

If hanging around him is unhealthy for you mental health -- could stop hanging around him then. You are responsible for your own well-being.

Quote:

Is it unrealistic to expect her to be happy for me?
You could hope it. But how she feels isn't up to you.

If the fact is that she IS NOT happy for you at this time?

Could examine your feelings/conduct to see how your choices are affecting you (and the other people in the polyship).

Could consider how her feelings/conduct choices affect you (and the other people in the polyship).

Could consider how his feelings/conduct choices affect you (and the other people in the polyship).

Could consider if you feel like continuing to participate in this polyship in this emotional climate. The polymath could matter to you. Or not. Up to you.

Again... You are responsible for your own well-being and what people you choose to expose yourself to.

Galagirl

Flowerchild 08-02-2013 05:42 PM

Source
 
I know her, but she's not yet comfortable talking to me. So he tells me third hand. He told me 1) That she has said she thinks I'm not pretty and 2) He tells her things I've accomplished, and he says she just dismisses them. I mean, I'm not like a supermodel brain surgeon, but I'm pretty damn good for him (and quite a bit younger). So, yeah, I expect them both to be more accomplished and successful than me (otherwise, what am I doing with them? Why would I want someone older who is still floundering around?)

BoringGuy 08-02-2013 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flowerchild (Post 218926)
He told me these things, 1) That she has said she thinks I'm not pretty and 2) He tells her things I've accomplished, and he says she just dismisses them.

why does he tell YOU all that? If he is into you, why does he need to put you down using a third party who for all you know, never said those things?

If my spouse habitually badmouthed my other partners about things that are unrelated to the way i am being treated by them, i would say to my spouse, "what the hell is YOUR problem? If you don't like the way C looks, don't look. If you don't like what R does for work, don't lock your keys in your truck."

RainyGrlJenny 08-02-2013 06:04 PM

Why on earth are you dating someone who goes out of his way to tell you hurtful things, and to stir up the waters between metamours? :confused:

I don't think your problem is the wife, it's your jerkface boyfriend.


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