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-   -   Odd situation (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51193)

Flowerchild 08-02-2013 02:41 AM

Odd situation
 
So, my SO was talking about how his other SO is jealous, sometimes, of the fact that he wants anyone but her. And, today, he and I were talking, and he tells me how he knows that deep down, I really wish he wanted me above all other women.

I really think I don't....and I'm not looking for ways to convince him...but the weird thing, is he's okay with this. He says that's normal for women, and that we're all like that.

I honestly disagree with him, and when he says stuff like that, I usually reply with something along the lines of he's too annoying to deal with 24/7.

Should I be concerned that my poly boyfriend thinks I wish he were monogamous?

rikkiandbear 08-02-2013 03:02 AM

I think that you might want to all sit down and explore the word "compersion." As for jealousy, try focusing on the differences whick you various couplings special. Delve into each, with the blessing of the other, but without the encumberance of worrying.

Inyourendo 08-02-2013 03:02 AM

Sounds like he has quite the ego or is very insecure and needs to feel like the ladies are fighting over him to make him feel like a big man. I wouldn't put any thought to it other than a "yeah you wish lol"

Flowerchild 08-02-2013 03:12 AM

Yep
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Inyourendo (Post 218768)
Sounds like he has quite the ego

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Emm 08-02-2013 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flowerchild (Post 218763)
So, my SO was talking about how his other SO is jealous, sometimes, of the fact that he wants anyone but her.

I'd be willing to bet he tells her the same thing about you. It sounds like he wants to trigger a "Back off! He's mine!" reaction in one or both of you.

Ltmusicdude 08-02-2013 10:15 AM

He may not be quite so egotistical as everyone thinks, a teensy bit misogynistic perhaps. He's probably talked to her a bunch trying to figure out her jealousy and how to help it. When one is trying to do that with someone else they typically have to guess a bit at what the other person is thinking, which means that he has probably has at one point or another during a conversation guessed at a jealous reaction that she had. If he guessed right (which if she is jealous then he probably did) then he probably got a bit of a confidence boost, when combined with a viewpoint that all women are alike in any way at all, leads to your situation. I wouldn't be worried about it, and if you think you aren't jealous then you probably aren't. Don't write off the opportunity for self evaluation to be sure, but don't assume that you necessarily are jealous just because he says so, right now his perception is a bit clouded by the other more jealous girl. This is of course a rather optimistic take on the situation but its certainly something that can happen.

london 08-02-2013 12:26 PM

It just means that he thinks your self esteem is so low, you'd settle for non monogamy than be alone. This is why I screen people so vehemently before dating them. I couldn't be with someone who believed this.

GalaGirl 08-02-2013 03:06 PM

If you are posting you ARE worried. I think what you could be asking is "I am worried about this. Is it weird?"

If so? Yah, I think it is weird.

Quote:

he tells me how he knows that deep down, I really wish he wanted me above all other women. (<--really? How does he know that? Presumption. )

I really think I don't....and I'm not looking for ways to convince him...but the weird thing, is he's okay with this. He says that's normal for women, and that we're all like that. (<-- really? He knows all women? How does he know that? Presumption.)

I honestly disagree with him, and when he says stuff like that, I usually reply with something along the lines of he's too annoying to deal with 24/7.

Should I be concerned that my poly boyfriend thinks I wish he were monogamous?
I'd be more concerned that my poly BF wants to tell me what to feel and when I feel it. And to WHAT PURPOSE? He wants to feel good at your expense by instigating "the women fight over me" or something?

I'd also be annoyed he's "decided" this, and is now telling me it is "normal" for women to be this way. (Which is like a backhanded way of getting you to question if you are "normal" right now or not. Again... to what PURPOSE?)

Jeez. What's with his head games? Who is he trying to convince? You or himself?

I wouldn't want this type of shenanigans in my life and I'd call him on it. Respect my limit -- I get to be in charge of how I feel and when I feel it and when/how I express it and to whom.

He could not presume or assume. He has a need? Spit it out and make a request. I might meet it. Shilly shally around? Annoying.

He keeps it up? This obnoxious presuming and annoying?

Out the door. There's less annoying/tiresome people to date in the world.

JMHO.

Galagirl

SilverShades 08-06-2013 05:02 AM

Sounds to me like he has some per-conceived sexist notions about women.

Personally I'd be more upset about him not believing you that you don't feel that way. He is choosing to believe his false assumption over you. If he can't trust you to know your own feelings then how can he see you as a true equal?

On a side note what does SO stand for? I couldn't find it on the terms and definition thread. :confused:

Emm 08-06-2013 07:35 AM

Significant Other. It's probably not on the list because it's not poly-specific.


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