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-   -   How to have a better/less arrogant attitude. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51189)

learningpoly 08-02-2013 01:24 AM

How to have a better/less arrogant attitude.
 
Ok, so I'm really trying to learn this poly stuff, but there's a little homonculus inside me screaming "How can she even be interested in anyone else when she has ME?!"

I recognize that I'm totally full of myself so I don't need to be chastised. I would just like some constructive advice on getting into the right frame of mind.

Thank you.

nycindie 08-02-2013 01:42 AM

Um... remind yourself that how she lives her life is not all about you?

Or think of it this way: Why should she limit herself to just one dish, no matter how delicious it is, when she can have a smorgasbord full of various and different foods to savor?

GalaGirl 08-02-2013 01:59 AM

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

to help you ID core beliefs.

Then google "How to change beliefs."

If you were actually arrogant, I don't think you'd be posting.

I think maybe it's this...

1) "How can she even be interested in anyone else when she has ME?!"
(She does think of other people and she seems interested. So it's not really that.)
It's more like...

2) I don't want her to think about other people. I want her to stop. I want her to only think about me.

Because then I could....
Because then I could not have to...
(what would you put there?)
Could make a list starting there. And keep tacking on the blue "Because...." stuff at the end of each sentence. Keep answering it until you can no longer "because" it out in both directions any further.

Then maybe you've discovered a core belief way down and the bottom there.

Could try it out. See what happens.

If you are in the habit of thinking things to yourself like "I must be arrogant, I stink, I am less than" you could work on changing your thought pattern habits so you aren't walking around being your own bully. You are not your thoughts. You are the person doing the thinking behavior.

If that kind of thinking behavior ensues in feeling like crap? Stop doing that behavior then. Do a different thinking behavior and make new thinking habits.

You could also spend some time doing self-respecting and self-expanding things (apart from not being your own bully) -- volunteer in your community, take up a hobby, learn something new, meet new friends and do friend things.

In short, do self-respecting behaviors and esteemable things so when the inner voice tells you that you are crap you can ANSWER BACK.
"I am a person who contributes -- I hold down a job, I pay my bills, I participate in my softball team, I am learning to tap dance, I foster kittens, knit socks for old people, and can build tree houses for children. YOU just sit in my head talking crap and contribute nothing positive anywhere. SHOO.)
I don't know what actual interests float your boat -- but you could figure it out and then start particpating in those things.

When you become a person of substance, you don't have to be "arrogant" and overinflating and talking up your accomplishments, contributions and skills. When you become a person of substance you don't have to be talking down to yourself either.

Your stuff can stand on its own merit. You know exactly your own worth and value. You can relax about it.

Galagirl

MeeraReed 08-02-2013 02:07 AM

I too am supremely awesome and interesting, so I get where you're coming from :)

For me, dating is framed as friendship. I don't expect a friend to only want to be friends with me. Even though I am the awesomest person in the universe, my friends should have other friends, right?

JaneQSmythe 08-02-2013 03:15 AM

Hello!

Quote:

Originally Posted by learningpoly (Post 218741)
... there's a little homonculus inside me screaming "How can she even be interested in anyone else when she has ME?!"

I recognize that I'm totally full of myself so I don't need to be chastised. I would just like some constructive advice on getting into the right frame of mind.

If you are REALLY arrogant, the way to turn it around is - "Go ahead, just let her TRY to find someone as awesome as I am. She will realize that I am just about the best there ever was." If you were truly arrogant it wouldn't even bother you that she was interested in someone else, because you would be so CERTAIN of your own superiority that it would just be a matter of time until she came crawling back to the awesome-ness that you epitomize. So, to me, in that statement, there is that little bit of doubt - "But...what if she finds someone better?"

BTW - I really like MR's answer:

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeeraReed (Post 218755)
I too am supremely awesome and interesting, so I get where you're coming from :)

For me, dating is framed as friendship. I don't expect a friend to only want to be friends with me. Even though I am the awesomest person in the universe, my friends should have other friends, right?

I think that there is a middle road between "Arrogance" and "Insecurity" - it's called "Confidence."

I am smart, capable, interesting, successful human being. Sure, there are people better than me at some stuff but the vast majority of that stuff is not important to me. If it is important to me, perhaps I would like to meet those people so they can teach me to be as awesome as they are. But I am still better at this other stuff than they are...and why does it matter anyway? Why bother with this competition crap - when I could be enjoying my partner(s) and their awesome-ness.

"How can she even be interested in anyone else when she has ME?!"

Granted that you are awesome. Presumably she is awesome as well. So, it seems reasonable that there are other awesome people in the universe. Having found one - why wouldn't she want to find more? Why not surround yourself with awesome people? Do you get a cookie for being the awesome-est? (No, you do NOT get a cookie, you are not even guaranteed of some chick's fickle affection ... the cheese stands alone - in it's awesome-ness - congratulations, you win :confused:.")

JaneQ

PS. Sorry, I got a little meta-referential there - this "Sweet-Tea Vodka" has me on a serious stream-of-consciousness binge, I should bow out...but I'll let the post stand in case someone else can make sense of it. (Damnit - am I turning into Dirtclustit...NOoooooo! :p)

BoringGuy 08-02-2013 03:45 AM

I deal with this issue by constantly being number-one at everything. No one can take my place. Go ahead. Just TRY to out-glass-head me. I double-dare you. With a cherry on top.

Eternaldarkness 08-02-2013 12:13 PM

Like many others, I am far too awesome for my wife to want someone else. or so I tell myself, despite her having a boyfriend :D


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