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-   -   Hello :) Poly q (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51151)

spicefox 08-01-2013 11:04 AM

Hello :) Poly q
So, I'm generally a very mono person and I lost someone last year that I cared deeply for.

We've got back in contact and unfortunately he has a girlfriend. she's not fulfilling any of his needs so he keeps talking about finishing with her. I don't like being the other woman. I prefer being number one

But, this situation has made me realise that I don't mind "sharing" him even though I don't usually.

I've put forward the idea of an open relationship. so mono/poly. in which ive said he just needs to discuss with me first if he wants to sleep with someone else and possibly use protection with the "secondaries". (we don't use condoms, never have)

I'm just wondering anyone elses experience of mono/poly and if you found you cared for someone enough to be willing to be in this sort of relationship with them

Also, I was thinking of writing up some "ground" rules. Type thing, but I dont know whether this is a good or bad idea. I'm thinking good to begin with as neither of us have been in any sort of poly relationship

any comments etc please :)

also hi! I'm new

Anyanka 08-01-2013 11:16 AM

Hi .. I am in a very similar situation.

My guy was in a mono relationship when we met - he was very unhappy and has ended it with her.

He is poly (well, he wants to be) but so far we have only discussed having another woman with us rather than separate relationships altogether .. we are in a LDR which complicates things even further! (he was/is planning on moving here but he just dropped a bombshell on me a few nights ago that this could tak up to 12 months + I am still considering whether I am up for that).

I want him to be happy but am taking it slowly & I don't think I oculd ever have another relationship concurrently although I would be open to FWB. I am just not wired to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time (I don't think) but, I can certainly feel lust.

I guess you're guy needs to talk to his current GF and see how she feels about addressing his needs .. my guy tried this and it just didn't work - the relationship went to hell soon after that (although it was unhealthy t begin with) .. that seems like it would be step 1?

JaneQSmythe 08-01-2013 11:30 AM

"Relationship broken, add more people." Is not generally a formula for healthy relationships.

I would strongly consider stepping back and have him sort out his issues with his girlfriend before negotiating what an open relationship with you will look like.

It's great that you have learned something about yourself from this experience - i.e. that you are not as opposed to "sharing" as you thought. But transitioning to poly/open takes a lot of effort/personal growth for many people. Everyone involved should, ideally, be starting off from a good foundation.

Clearly, at this point, he has other stuff going on - staying vs. finishing relationship with current girlfriend - so, even if mono/poly could work for the two of you - this doesn't seem like a good starting place to come from. He might be tempted to agree to a certain type of open relationship with you just because it looks like a way to salvage a non-ideal situation.


spicefox 08-01-2013 11:35 AM

Thanks :)

I have told him I'm only willing to be in any sort of relationship with him if she's either a) completely informed b) they split up

I think b is more likely as she meets 0 of his needs (its a very fresh relationship) and basically he likes her body. He just hasn't been able to see her to have a talk and break up with her. I also don't think she'd step back in their relationship and agree to someone else being the primary. she seems very traditional.

I have told him I understand if he chooses her but I can't continue benig the "other" woman, and that its his choice to make.

Cleo 08-01-2013 12:25 PM

why did the 2 of you break up?
why do you need to be his primary?
could you be in a relationship with him being a secondary?

all good questions to ponder before starting an open relationship with someone.

spicefox 08-01-2013 12:32 PM


Originally Posted by Cleo (Post 218638)
why did the 2 of you break up?

he liked another woman but she broke his heart. he doesnt trust now so i dont think a closed realtionship would be beneficial to either of us


why do you need to be his primary?
could you be in a relationship with him being a secondary?
i feel like a secondary right now and i dont particularly like it. i feel like i dont have any control and that the primary has a little bit more. especially as she doesnt know about me. if she was well aware i might feel different.


all good questions to ponder before starting an open relationship with someone.

BoringGuy 08-01-2013 03:56 PM

Seriously, from what little you've shared, this guy sounds like a bit of a weasel.

You said something about how an open relationship would be better due to a lack of trust? Sustainable non-monogamy requires MORE trust, not less. You start as you mean to go on (well, i believe in that anyway). If you start with a lack of trust and poor communication patterns, that is the foundation you are building on.

But in all honesty, home boy sounds like a playa and something tells me youcan do better.

Natja 08-01-2013 04:12 PM

OP, is this guy worth your time? He seems like an immature brat to me. It doesn't sound like you 'lost' him, it sounds more like he walked away chasing his fantasy and now he is crawling his way back like a pathetic worm.

C'mon you are better than that surely?

spicefox 08-01-2013 07:02 PM

You're both probably right.

He doesn't trust me but i trust him.

I probably could do better, and generally I'm better of my own. With how we've been I've felt like the pressure is off of me. I'm trying to deal with depression at the moment

Maybe I do need to tell him to shove it.

Flowerchild 08-01-2013 07:33 PM

For ground rules, I'd recommend yes, but as few as possible. Trust me, if you have rules he doesn't like, he'll only break them. Especially rules regarding control of feelings. I.e. You can have sex with her, but no feelings.

Figure out what's truly important to you, what your needs are. If he breaks Rule A, will you leave him? That's a harsh, but good litmus test.

Because if he does break them, and you allow it, you'll have little to no say in how the relationships develop in future. And if he feels like the rules are there out of insecurity, he'll likely ignore them.

But, definitely make sure you're taken care of, by you.

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