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-   -   Dealing with Envy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51135)

skittleskittens 08-01-2013 06:14 AM

Dealing with Envy
 
Hi there everybody.

I've been in my first polyamorous relationship for about 3 months now and lately I've been feeling very envious of his other girlfriend especially when we're all in the same place at the same time.

When I first started dating my BF she made a rule that we couldn't be couply when she was around because it made her uncomfortable, however they can still be couply when I'm around.

I was finding this extremely difficult to deal with and my BF has been really great in trying to tone down being overly couply with her (I knew them before I started dating my BF and they were extremely couply) but I'm still getting extremely envious when I see them interact and be together when I'm around because I feel like I can't have the same thing with him.

Does anyone know of any useful coping strategies when dealing with envy?

BoringGuy 08-01-2013 06:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skittleskittens (Post 218602)
Does anyone know of any useful coping strategies when dealing with envy?

No; but I know some useful coping strategies when dealing with shitheadery:

Say No to Shitheadery.

london 08-01-2013 08:44 AM

Actually point out to them that if you had a relationship where you were all considered equals, they too, would refrain from being couply in front of you. This will prompt a discussion where one of both of them will admit that you are of less importance than them and their relationship. Its up to you what you do with that news. Thry might admit it, say how wrong it is, and try and fix it.

YouAreHere 08-01-2013 10:35 AM

What they said.

Your relationship with your BF is just that - YOUR relationship. If you also want public validation of your relationship, talk about it. Tell them that this rule is not working for you, and renegotiate. Maybe an interim solution (until you're all comfortable with it) is to NOT all hang out together unless nobody displays affection. Why put yourself in a position that makes you upset or uncomfortable?

Marcus 08-01-2013 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skittleskittens (Post 218602)
Does anyone know of any useful coping strategies when dealing with envy?

There are two problems going on here which are not related.
1. They get to be affectionate and you don't
2. You are viewing your relationship through comparing it to some other relationship
As far as her rules about what you can and can't do with your boyfriend, I suggest the following response "I get that you are insecure and putting rules on how my relationship functions might have seemed like a good idea when you thought of it... but I'll take care of how I relate to people and you do the same for yourself. I'm going to sit in my boyfriends lap now, because that's what I feel like doing"

Viewing relationships by comparing them to someone elses relationship or weighing it by what you are "not getting" is fundamentally flawed. I suggest adjusting your view to "what do I like about my relationship?" and "is this bringing me joy?" etc. Even if there wasn't a possessive other girlfriend scenario, the "no fair" approach to relating is for kids... focus on what you are getting.

LovingRadiance 08-01-2013 07:43 PM

A) no group hanging out until boundaries are renegotiated to something reasonably equivalent.
B) don't compare one relationship to another
C) don't be a doormat for someone else's ego

xxscottysgirlxx 08-01-2013 08:17 PM

Dealing with envy my self...
 
I don't really have an answer but I feel your pain and frustration. I hope you get a resolution to your problem. Just know that you are not alone. I am dealing with a but of envy and jealousy myself. My husband of 13 years and I work strange schedules that aren't really compatible for us but allow us to have the children stay out of the day care system. We have started a fairly new, (almost 2 month old) relationship with a wonderful women. Initially this was to become a triad, of the three of us. Not necessarily all together all the time but mixing and matching. Her and I have been on several dates and have spent time with my husband as well. I guess where i am having the most difficulty is while I am at work in the evenings they spend so much time together. Pretty much every night. Usually they just watch TV or eat dinner and spend time with the children. But I am insanely envious of this. She sees my husband more than I do.

The other part of my envy stems from the fact that things have not gone to the next level yet between her and I, or for the three of us. My husband and I are very open and honest and have told her from day one that we have NO secrets. Its how we deal with our life. So I know they have been intimate. And I have no qualms about that. I want them both to be happy, but I am feeling neglected. I know jealousy is a control issue and a very irrational behavior, especially because I am the one that pushed for a poly relationship years ago. I should know better. But my pride is hurt and I'm not sure where to go. Its gotten so bad that I actually have delusions of of her "cowgirling" my relationship. When we are all three together that feeling is gone. Its only when I'm alone. What is happening to me. I feel so irrational all of the sudden.

LovingRadiance 08-01-2013 08:24 PM

Scottysgirl-
For your situation, I would suggest increasing communication with her throughout the day. Texts, emails, whatever.
It sounds like you are just struggling with wanting to be more involved where work schedules don't allow-not really issues in the relationship dynamic itself.

The wacko schedules I totally understand. We are down to 2 kids at home now, but at one pount we had 6 in the house. Maca works days, gone from 6am-4pm and GG is gone from 1pm-midnight or so. My schedule changes every semester for school. Each of us has felt left out at some point or another in terms of time with the family. (we aren't a triad, we are a V).
The best help has been keeping in touch by text and email.

xxscottysgirlxx 08-01-2013 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 218708)
Scottysgirl-
For your situation, I would suggest increasing communication with her throughout the day. Texts, emails, whatever.
It sounds like you are just struggling with wanting to be more involved where work schedules don't allow-not really issues in the relationship dynamic itself.

The wacko schedules I totally understand. We are down to 2 kids at home now, but at one pount we had 6 in the house. Maca works days, gone from 6am-4pm and GG is gone from 1pm-midnight or so. My schedule changes every semester for school. Each of us has felt left out at some point or another in terms of time with the family. (we aren't a triad, we are a V).
The best help has been keeping in touch by text and email.

Thank you for the insight. Holy cow, I complain about my schedule, I give you praise for being able to do all you do with 6 children! wow. I know i just need to calm down, and just go with the flow. I'm an over analytical Libra so... lol But I am so happy I have found such good people here that have my same beliefs. Thank you.

LovingRadiance 08-01-2013 08:46 PM

It is MUCH easier with 4 out of the house lol. ;)
But-we all have emotions. The key is figuring out how we can manage them without pressing someone else into changing who they are for us.


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