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-   -   Searching for my libido (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51090)

Serendipity22 07-31-2013 05:37 PM

Searching for my libido
A quick intro - I am 38, married to a wonderful man for almost five years (Skater21 on this forum) and we've been involved in poly for about a year and a half.

How we started out in poly is a long story... to cut to the chase, we decided to try poly when I fell in love with a poly man who I had met online while working for a non-profit organization (we were both on the board of directors). For the most part the relationship was via the internet using Skype, although I did take one trip to visit my long-distance guy for a few days. About four months after my visit, I discovered that he hadn't been honest with me about his marital status, and we ended our relationship.

Once that was over, hubby and I were happy to just enjoy our relationship with each other. We didn't really look for anyone else.

Then we threw a Superbowl Party and had tons of people show up, some of whom I'd never met before. One of them was a woman (I'll call her CP) who was a friend of a friend, and we felt an instant crazy-strong connection to each other.

I've always considered myself straight. I'd never met a woman who I was attracted to until that night - and it was quite extraordinary to me. I talked to Skater about it after the party and he encouraged me to pursue her if I wanted to. So I spent the next several weeks getting to know her a bit, and finally opened up to her about my attraction and about being poly.

She admitted to being very attracted to me too, and Skater, and we ended up all dating and falling in love and forming a polyfidelitous triad. It's been an experience, to say the least. A wonderful, crazy, soul-searching experience. We all live together now, and the love is great and we work through issues when they pop up, and for the most part it couldn't be better.

I've kind of run into some blips with my sexuality though. I had some childhood abuse and trauma that I've had to deal with and address throughout my life, so sometimes it's a process for me to sort through my feelings to figure out what's really going on in my head and heart.

Before CP came along, our sex life was great. Satisfying, frequent, interesting, all of that. When we first formed our relationship with her, it was that way too. But for the past little while, my desire for sex has waned. It's like my connection to my sensual self has become muted. I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why so I can fix it. It's been causing some anxiousness with my loves too.

CP and I spend a lot of time together as friends. We enjoy hanging out and doing a lot of the same things and having deep discussions about life and the universe. But we hardly ever have any sexual intimacy when it's just the two of us. It's my fault, I know she would like more. I seem to have a hard time switching from friend-mode to lover-mode with her.

I don't really know what to do at this point. I worry that maybe the NRE has worn off and I'm too straight to keep the excitement there with a woman. I worry that it might have something to do with me coming to terms with being bi. Or whatever you'd call me now. I've never had a problem with other people having a different sexual orientation than hetero, but I've always thought of myself as straight before.

I'm probably worrying too much, but I'm getting frustrated, my loves are getting frustrated, and I don't want to lose this awesome triad relationship. I want to make it work. I just don't know what to do.

I've seen some great advice given to people on this forum, I would appreciate any help I can get! Thanks!

BoringGuy 07-31-2013 05:44 PM

Do you talk about it like this with her and him?

You need to do that. You sound like an articulate, self-aware person.

Talk to your partners first, THEN ask the internet if you still need to.

Flear 07-31-2013 07:04 PM

how's your sex-drive with hubby ?, is that still there or is that diminishing as well ?

last i heard a woman's sex drive as she gets older can diminish and may disappear completely, ... estimated up to 50% of women.

if that's not the case, ... do you need to have a sexual desire for CP ?, maybe that's what was needed to bring her into the family, ...

there's a lot of "could be this, that, or the other things",... but while loosing labido i can't imagine being good for intimate relationships, ... like most things in life, things change. ... i don't have a clue what it means, or why, nor do i have any guesses where this could all be headed.

but try not to get frustrated about it :), maybe it was a bunch of NRE, and now that your over that, it may come back in full force in time as things continue naturally to fall deeply in love with her instead of what the NRE likes to get us full of "infatuation"

too many "ifs", you'll figure it out :)

BoringGuy 07-31-2013 08:03 PM


last i heard a woman's sex drive as she gets older can diminish and may disappear completely, ... estimated up to 50% of women.

Last i heard, women's sex drives increase as they get closer to their 40's, peak just before menopause, sometimes vary during menopause and then comes back stronger than ever.

We must be reading different magazines in the dentist's waiting room.

Serendipity22 07-31-2013 08:04 PM

I have spoken about it with my loves, although my fear that I'm going to completely lose my desire for CP is something I've only shared with my husband. (I'm afraid of making her insecure and that it might just compound the issue if she thinks that is happening. We love each other very much, and I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily.) They are very supportive and understanding, and want to help me get back to my happy sexual self. None of us really know what to do about it though.

It has gotten to the point where it is affecting my libido in general. I'm just not that interested in sex lately at all. That's unusual for me.

Maybe I just need time. I'm kind of an impatient person, and I tend to try to nip any problem in the bud as soon as it comes up. I don't like feeling this way, I want to change it.

We'll work things out. Thanks for listening. :)

Anyanka 07-31-2013 08:08 PM

I went without sex for 7 years until last november ,,,I simply did not have it in me to share that aspect of myself .. pehaps celibacy/sexual withdrawal is something that just happens and it has no refelction upon our loved ones??

YouAreHere 07-31-2013 08:34 PM


Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 218157)
Last i heard, women's sex drives increase as they get closer to their 40's, peak just before menopause, sometimes vary during menopause and then comes back stronger than ever.

We must be reading different magazines in the dentist's waiting room.

I read that issue of Highlights, too... Goofus is such a d-bag.

Serendipity (LOVE the avatar, BTW!), have you started/stopped taking or changed any meds around this time? Medication can have an impact on libido as well.

Dirtclustit 07-31-2013 09:22 PM

If you've always considered yourself hetero
and never considered yourself bi, I don't see where the mystery is and I don't see it as a problem unless you don't talk with both of them about it. It may not even be a problem as gf may be going through the exact same thing as it definitely is the excitement known as new relationship energy, although in your case it could be more specifically the threesome sex, as it has a tendency to elevate libido significantly and what goes up often comes down (unless you are talking about authors, they stay up by stepping on people they think are inferior)

but it is important to talk with her, because if you are anything like the handful of people that I know, not being bisexual isn't the end of the world, it is just the end of regular sex between the two homo-gendered.

Which is why I would steer away from picking from the list of acceptable labels because then you can't be practicing polyamory, it's polygamy, which really shouldn't matter, except that it does, because most people find it easier to deny their biases which mean they don't think twice about treating others like shit when the only real difference is you are no longer having sex with the gf, but if you aren't following the community rules then you have to use the bigoted labels, because even though it's not there business, that is the illegal kind of having your cake and eating too.

I agree with Boring Guy, they advice you get here on this forum is top notch, but be careful of advice online other places, some people are fakes, phonies, or just plain thieving mother fuckers, so however you say with a grain salt to ward off assholes, and bad advice, I just forgot what I was saying

BoringGuy 07-31-2013 10:36 PM


Originally Posted by YouAreHere (Post 218177)
I read that issue of Highlights, too... Goofus is such a d-bag.

I always thought Gallant was such a fake goody-two-shoes. He probably grew up to be the Unibomber.

Flear 07-31-2013 10:37 PM

Dirtclustit, ... i wouldn't take my advice as top notch :)

it sounds right to me, that's about all i go with, ... i read far more than i have life experience with. if what i say sounds good to others great, if it sounds like i'm out to lunch, i guess it's time for lunch.

i try to stick with sites that seem more educated & less common social rumors. then again, i've heard of well educated folks having all these great theories about child raising, then having kids of their own and finding they had it all wrong.

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