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-   -   Wasn't expecting this.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51054)

arkle 07-31-2013 02:50 AM

Wasn't expecting this..
Okay, where to start..my girlfriend and I have been back in a relationship for 6 months after a 2 year break. The first time round my "mind set" just wasn't there but we both have very stong feelings for each other and after making me jump though hoops she agreed to give it another try. We are very happy and love to be in each others company. It's been a dream spring and summer.

Then out of the blue she called and asked if it was okay to go out to dinner with a guy she had met during our time apart. I was already aware of him but due to the circumstances, they just couldn't date. It would have been infidelity under tragic circumstances. He had no idea that she was seeing me when he called her. She told him the situation but I told her I was 100% okay with it.

The date went fine and weve laughed and have made some rather sugestive remarks since. Now I have some issues but they may not be what most would think...as this is my first post I will do it now in case it doesn't and I had written a book,lol..

BoringGuy 07-31-2013 02:55 AM

What is your name?

What is your purpose?

What is your favorite color?

arkle 07-31-2013 03:27 AM

First post succesfull,yeehaw!

First issue. I've been having feelings of guilt that the timing has been wrong for them because she is now committed in our relationship even though I am well aware of an attraction between them. My GF is the one to bring it up ( I've been very carefull not to in that respect) but also the first to laugh off the thought when I indicated that the possibilities were not closed from my perspective. For him and her it would be a sensual experience that he at least could most likely use a this point, given the situation. However, he probably wouldnt want anything overly 'serious' at this point. And for that reason I'm okay with it.

For sure I've rationalised the what if's that it may just not end well for everyone but it would sure be nice for some advice. Totally new to this situation

JaneQSmythe 07-31-2013 03:27 AM

Don't know what hole in BG's psyche that last post came from...:confused:

More relevant questions -

Are you poly?

Is she poly?

Is he poly?

(he, apparently, knows about you, and you know about him...good start!)

What kind of conversations have you had with you GF about what type of open-relationship model you are participating in? i.e. she had to call and ask if it was "okay" for her to go out to dinner with him. Is this an expectation of yours? Was she just confirming that this was within the confines of the relationship agreements that you have negotiated already?

"Going to Dinner" in my world doesn't require permission. "Going to Dinner" is not, necessarily a "date" in my rulebook - I go to dinner with LOTS of people for various reasons - not always romantic. It would be a good idea to sit down with you GF and discuss your expectations and assumptions are.


arkle 07-31-2013 03:46 AM

Thanyou so much Jane, no none of us are poly..yet..lol.

GF had mentioned this guy after we got together. Two years on and its only right to share the news,I guess. I don't want her haunted by the thought of what she missed out on. And he needs someone he can trust without comittment,an FWB if you like.

Yes, I do want to sit down and talk with GF about it. I just don't want to screw up. From a womans perspective,what would you want to hear?

BoringGuy 07-31-2013 05:14 AM


Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 218060)
Don't know what hole in BG's psyche that last post came from...:confused:

Yeah you ARE confused. That particular "hole in BG's psyche" is better known also as "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

You have to know these things when you're as boring as I am, you know.

LovingRadiance 07-31-2013 05:16 AM

Because he isn't likely to be interested in anything serious you are ok with it?

That would give me a long pause. Because the bottom line is, opening the door of the heart means opening to the possibility of something serious.

I would tell my husband and boyfriend to go to hell if they told me it was ok for me to date someone else on the grounds that it wasn't likely to get serious. If I am considering the option, its already getting serious.

I would think about that if i were you. I posted on fb today "dont play with my heart, play with my clit it feels better"
What you are suggesting is a casual sex encounter-but with no guarantee that they can keep it casual and if they don't it will create problems.
I would rather not hear that-as a woman.
If my guy isn't ok with me having another serious love, he best not be suggesting I have another sexual relationship.

arkle 07-31-2013 02:44 PM

Thanks LovingRadiance, yes my GF pointed out the opening the door to the heart issue and yes its something I'm aware of. That pretty much ended the topic of discussion. Then a few minutes later when we were talking about something totally different, GF suddenly and laughingly blurted out that maybe she should just go over to his place and do the deed! Caught me by surprise and without thinking, I just said "maybee you should". GF then gave me a great big hug and said words to the effect 'no more talk about that now'.

I know it's on her mind. I would love for us to talk it out and the next time the subject gets brought up by her I'm hoping we can have that talk. Would that be a mistake?

LovingRadiance 07-31-2013 08:59 PM

That depends upon whether or not you are willing to delve into yourself and figure out what you need to do within yourself to accept that she very well could fall madly in love with this guy-without having sex with him anyway &
can you be ok with her being madly in love with both of you?

Can you BE OK with it getting serious with him also?
Can you TRULY SHARE her heart? Not just her pussy?

arkle 08-01-2013 04:18 AM

Once again, thankyou LovingRadiance and SusyQ for the straight talk, it has really helped. My motives are possibly wrong in the sense that they could be defensive, in that my thinking was that it would be better for a liason now rather than have it hanging over the relationship. I know it may sound strange but I would still like it to happen.. because I know they would if they were both single and there was no one that would get hurt. I also feel for him because he hasn't had a womans sensual touch in probably a year. Am I crazy to relate this to my GF?

The sex, I could handle, the love factor, well who knows??? I get it that most guys don't think like women and most women don't think like guys..lol..

Now that I think about it, that's what GF herself has been trying to say. Window shopping is great but the purchases can be costly!

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