Polyamory.com Forum

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-   -   Newbie couple (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50925)

Shaz0o0Tony 07-29-2013 02:50 PM

Newbie couple

We are new to the site but not 100% sure if this is where we belong so would like to ask what you think.

Here is our short story.

We have been together almost 14 year and married for 11 and have a very good and stable relationship (incase you was wondering)
We have been on the swinging scene almost 9 year but getting bored of the timewasters, lack of affection, general prats and so on
Myself (Tony) don't swing as just prefer to watch/know Shaz is having fun (I don't get even the slightest bit jealous)

Anyway, Shaz really likes the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend but here's the thing, she don't want one full time, just someone to meet with now and then, go out for a drink and fun with and so on.

We have thought about trying to find a lodger that would be interested in a room as we have 2 spare but as we have an 11 year old lad we wouldn't want to risk anything letting a stranger move in.

Are we on the wrong site for this?

Any advise will be much appreciated.

Shaz and Tony :-)

kdt26417 07-29-2013 08:13 PM

Hello Shaz and Tony,
Welcome to our forum.

If you are looking for something more than just a physical hook-up, then you're talking about polyamory, and as such, this should be a good site for you.

This new partner Shaz seeks, would it be acceptable if they had another partner of their own? If so, they would probably be okay with just getting together with Shaz occasionally.

Links to try to look for poly people in your area:


Feel free to look around on this site and ask questions, etc. ... I wish you well in your poly search.

Kevin T.

Shaz0o0Tony 07-29-2013 08:48 PM

Wow, thanks for all the info and the nice greeting!

Least we know we have found somewhere that we belong! :D

kdt26417 07-30-2013 07:35 PM


Magdlyn 07-30-2013 10:09 PM

OK Cupid is the best dating site. As a woman, I have had successes there, and am in 2 long term relationships besides the more casual things I have had.

Just to clarify, you do not insist on watching Shaz with one of her potential FWBs/playpartners? She is free to date on her own? Because if you need to be there while she's getting laid, she'll have a harder time finding a decent gf or bf. Just sayin.'

Another thing to consider. She thinks *now* she just wants something casual, but what if feelings arise!? What if she and/or her partner fall in love? That is always a big possibility.

Shaz0o0Tony 07-30-2013 10:33 PM

Some good points there Magdlyn:)

I don't insist on watching her no, she has had both long term female and male "fun-friends" that she often had fun on her own with or would go to meet them so that's not a problem as long as I know she's safe.

Feelings will happen and we know this and it is part of what we want but,

Being on the scene we have been on going on 9 year, we have learned to create rules, one being that "if feelings get to stong on either side of a relationship that Shaz has with someone then that relationship has to be broken before it gets out of control" as at the end of the day our marriage has to be the no 1 priority

I think as long as it's made clear right from the start that it's just a casual and won't ever be no more than a part time bf / gf then shouldn't be a problem.

This is all why we are wondering if a polyamory site is for us as she don't want another full time partner so asking for advise from people in the know like yourself :)

BoringGuy 07-31-2013 02:59 PM

Tony, i think this site IS "for you" because you could learn a lot by reading around and learning from other people's mistakes (you can have credit for your own success though).

What you describe is not uncommon, this need to create artificial rules to "protect" your marriage.

In my world view, the only people who can threaten or end a relationship are the two people in it (ultimately, every relationship is one-to-one, even in an "equal triad" where all three people are involved with each other). If your relationship is solid, feelings for another person will not threaten it whatsoever. It's your spouse's behaviour and actions that will threaten it or not. I am going through this right now. I just met someone whom i am very into, i'm not going to get into the details here, but as wonderful as the new person is, as much as i can imagine what it would be like to start my life over with them, it does not change the fact that i was/am already happy and have no wish to leave the life i have now. The new person will have to fit in however they fit into it, and me into theirs.

Magdlyn 07-31-2013 04:09 PM

I totally second what Boring Guy said. Like him, I am living with one of my partners, but totally in love with my other one. They complement each other, and I've got plenty of affection to go around for both. My gf also loves my bf as a friend, and considers him part of our family. He's also in a long term marriage (25+ years), and has always had gfs, and it's not a threat to his marriage. In fact, since his gfs meet needs his wife doesn't, I believe it actually strengthens his marriage to have others in his life, so he doesn't have to cheat, or leave her, to get sex and other things his wife doesnt provide to his needs.

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