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-   -   who to invite to a party: a seemingly simple problem (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50803)

Lyr 07-26-2013 04:27 PM

who to invite to a party: a seemingly simple problem
 
Hello all, I'm pretty new here. I've lurked a bit before but a simple predicament brought me to actually post.

I'm having a gathering at my house this week.

I'm seeing one girl (let's call her Ramati) and interested in another (say, Nata).

I don't know who to invite. This all sounds kind of childish. But here goes.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with the term "romantic attraction". I use it to say someone I could fall in love with, without sounding so loaded. It's the warm fuzzy feeling and the giddiness and finding infinity in someone's eyes. I've never been in a relationship with someone that I'm romantically attracted to. That's what I want.

I am romantically attracted to Nata. She likes me, I like her, we've said as much, but she's seeing someone else and she's not sure what she's doing or where her head's at. But she wants to be friends for now and I can continue to invite her to things.. and see. I would usually see her at her work but she's quit so this is pretty much the only way to see her. And I want to see her. And this is something I can invite her to.

But I'm seeing Ramati. We have a sexual relationship. It's pretty casual and about a month in. We stay at each others' houses. I'm not attracted to her romantically and she's not romantically attracted to anyone. I enjoy her company when I see her but I don't crave seeing her. I want to be open to kinds of relationships outside of my fairytale ideals. I do find her interesting. But I find her hard to connect to.

Nata knows I'm seeing someone, Ramati knows there's someone I'm pursuing. They haven't met. I think it would be a bad idea to invite them both as Nata's shy, Ramati can be intimidating, both of them are new... I don't want to cause drama.

This all boils down to that, if push comes to shove, I prioritize Nata. And Ramati is indirectly stopping me from seeing Nata.

I could drop everything to be open to pursuing Nata. But I've done that before and I just ended up alone. Also I'd feel like a dick. And I don't want to have to be monogamous in order to start a new relationship. I'd consider it, but that's another can of worms.

I could just let it lie and invite Ramati or neither of them. There'll be other times for Nata, just be patient. I could see them both.

I'm just thinking in the wider scheme, is it ok to prioritize potential partners over Ramati? Is this a relationship that I want? If it is, how do I navigate this? Which doesn't even touch on that I would rather be seen as "with" Nata than Ramati by my friends. Erk. Poly always seems to bring issues hurling to the surface faster. All this on a simple. Logistical. Issue.

How do I logistics.

Thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully respond =P

Lyr.

Inyourendo 07-26-2013 04:39 PM

I would just invite the one you want to spend that time with more.

Lyr 07-26-2013 05:21 PM

That... makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

I guess I feel obligated and don't want to piss anyone off.

Marcus 07-26-2013 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyr (Post 217306)
But she wants to be friends for now and I can continue to invite her to things.. and see.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyr (Post 217306)
I'm not attracted to her romantically. I find her hard to connect to. I would rather be seen as "with" Nata than Ramati by my friends

So you have puppy love for a monogamous girl who is currently in a relationship but who wants to keep you on the hook for possible future use?

And you have a casual fuck buddy who you don't have any feelings for and don't want to introduce to your friends?

I don't see why either of these girls would effect your decision making process. One of them you don't care about in the first place, and the other one has a boyfriend but sounds like she is in favor of cheating on him.
1. Don't invite Ramati because you don't want to introduce her to your friends
2. Don't invite Nata because that's creepy and she needs to work her shit out
Or

1. Invite Ramati because you think she's interesting enough to invite to a party
2. Invite Nata because you are "just friends" and you can ... do whatever it is you plan to do with her
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyr (Post 217306)
Ramati is indirectly stopping me from seeing Nata.

You are stopping you from inviting Nata. If you want to invite an unavailable girl then invite her. Hopefully she will bring her boyfriend and they will have a good time at the party.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lyr (Post 217306)
I could drop everything to be open to pursuing Nata. But I've done that before and I just ended up alone. Also I'd feel like a dick.

You are with Ramati because you have a fear of being alone and guilt for taking responsibility for your feelings. These are two very horrible reasons to be in any kind of relationship with anyone.

LovingRadiance 07-26-2013 07:12 PM

We have an open-door invitation here regarding friends.

I would invite both-and let them know you have invited both.

They aren't required to appear just because you extended an invititation.

Be yourself-issue both invites and give them the respect and grace to make their own decisions regarding their comfort level and interest in attending.

I find it ANNOYING when people micromanage my time. It would bug me to have a boyfriend or potential boyfriend who thought he could decide whether or not I should/shouldn't be invited "for my comfort". Shy, outgoing, nervous, whatever-it's MY choice if I want to go or not.
I would expect someone interested in me to respect me as an adult who is fully capable of deciding-by giving me the invite and the pertinent info.

GalaGirl 07-26-2013 07:36 PM

From your post:
  • I am romantically attracted to Nata.
  • I want to see her. And this is something I can invite her to.
  • I'm seeing Ramati. I enjoy her company when I see her but I don't crave seeing her. I find her hard to connect to.
  • I think it would be a bad idea to invite them both.
  • I prioritize Nata.
  • I would rather be seen as "with" Nata than Ramati by my friends.

CONCLUSION:

Short Term:
  • Could invite just Nata.
  • Could stop driving yourself crazy thinking all over the map.
  • This is not the only party you will ever have.

Long Term:
  • If you aren't feeling all that for Ramati and just keep her around "to have sex with, to not be 'alone' by myself. and because dumping her makes me a dick" -- you could examine why you feel this way / do this.

    Esp if it prevents you from pursuing Nata in the way you wish. You can be a single polyamorous person, you know.

Galagirl


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