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-   -   can we still date if i dont like his wife? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50502)

gorgeouskitten 07-22-2013 07:55 PM

can we still date if i dont like his wife?
 
So some of you have read my posts and may find this a little redundant...and galagirl has been really really helpful so might tell me to knock it off.. ;) but here goes anyway. BF and I have been together about five months, things have gone back and forth with how his wife feels. How it stands right now, my spouse and I tried to make a connection with her and its fallen flat. She tells me she likes me, and is fine with BF and I...but wont hang around me and when her plans fall through gets upset he still has plans with me instead of hanging with her (this is coming from him). i had this ideal of us all being friendly, but now its just me and bf, or me bf and spouse. on top of that, he seems to really appreciate how nice and supportive I am of him while telling he how she ignores him to be on OKCupid, makes dates on their anniversary, and tells him hes failing at things. its hard to respect a relationship that seems like its so down on by BF, and feel secure in the fact that his wanting time with her comes first, when it seems like she doesnt want any time with him.

Can this work if his wife nad i just stay out of each others hair, and only he interacts with me, spouse, and our kids? And Im not sure how to deal with the jealousy that he wants time with her so badly while she isnt giving it to him. he'll say things to me like "i'll stay home with her, then she's just on OKC all night when i could be out havign fun with you". He can tell im bummed, but I dont even know what to say to him.

She also suggested he try OKC, when he has enough trouble juggling the two of us.

Marcus 07-22-2013 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 216497)
He can tell im bummed, but I dont even know what to say to him.

Try this: "It bums me out to hear about the problems you are having with your wife. I want to be there for you, but I'd really like to take a break from hearing about that aspect of your relationship"

The whole thing sounds stressful.

gorgeouskitten 07-22-2013 08:15 PM

Marcus,
i've tried that. but its like he has word vomit. out of nowhere he'll be like...rmember how i ended up mentioning your loud it bed? she told me later that it makes her insecure.
Um...thank you??? Im hanging on to this cause i love him, but if he cant even recongnize his relationship problems, why should i have to listen to it?

Marcus 07-22-2013 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 216502)
Im hanging on to this cause i love him, but if he cant even recongnize his relationship problems, why should i have to listen to it?

So what are you going to do?

1. Get over it and learn to love hearing about his busted marriage
2. Split because you're tired of hearing about his busted marriage.

Since he either doesn't want to or is incapable of determining what comes out of his mouth (does he have some kind of condition?), it comes to you to decide whether or not you want this influence in your life. At this point it really is your problem.

gorgeouskitten 07-22-2013 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 216505)

Since he either doesn't want to or is incapable of determining what comes out of his mouth (does he have some kind of condition?), it comes to you to decide whether or not you want this influence in your life. At this point it really is your problem.

lol marcus, i actually chuckled in my office. I dont think he has a condition...too many drugs in the 80s? I guess the thing is im annoyed he doesnt realize his marriage kind of sucks, I suppose I can just wait for him to figure it out and ignore it...or leave. or date him while he never figures it out.

BoringGuy 07-22-2013 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten;
I suppose I can just wait for him to figure it out and ignore it...or leave. or date him while he never figures it out.


3ur3k4

Marcus 07-22-2013 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 216506)
I guess the thing is im annoyed he doesnt realize his marriage kind of sucks

So is the problem that you think his marriage sucks and won't fix it? Or is the problem that he is making it your business?

Those are two very different issues.

bookbug 07-22-2013 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten (Post 216506)
lol marcus, i actually chuckled in my office. I dont think he has a condition...too many drugs in the 80s? I guess the thing is im annoyed he doesnt realize his marriage kind of sucks, I suppose I can just wait for him to figure it out and ignore it...or leave. or date him while he never figures it out.

My SO was relatively inexperienced in regards to deep relationships with women when he met his soon to be ex. His mother, and his first deep relationship both were emotionally volatile. So when he met his soon to be ex and she was emotionally volatile, he assumed that was just the nature of women. Then he met me - logical, even-tempered, emotionally stable. Before he met me, he didn't like certain aspects of the relationship with his wife, but figured it would be the same with any woman. Meeting me, he learned how mistaken he had been in that supposition. And so began his attempts with his wife to modify her mood management and control her temper. She didn't want any part of that. Eventually, he left. It took him about 18 months to work through the entire process.

It may be that your bf is beginning such a journey. I don't know what his suppositions are about women and behavior, but you are obviously providing him a different picture. I imagine his wife's behavior makes him pretty sad. And he talks to you about it because he trusts you, and he is trying to make sense of the differences.

While I don't think it is at all necessary that you hang with the wife, or engage her in any way, it is up to you the level of support you want to give your bf in regard to his issue with his wife. I know you are thinking it is all very cut and dried - she is treating him like crap - coming to terms with that emotionally is a whole 'nother thing.

GalaGirl 07-22-2013 09:32 PM

Maybe you break up with him and tell him you can't date him like this. And getting to hang with her all the time without the respite moments he gets from hanging with you gives him the gumption to resolve his wife issues. Then you are free of this of this crazy and get to date him again.

Or he doesn't resolve it. And you get to be free of this crazy.

Either way? Win for you. No more crazy.

There's two kinds of freedom. Freedom TO and freedom FROM. Sounds like you want to be free from their crazy. So you could take action to move you closer to that.

GG

rosephase 07-22-2013 09:44 PM

Personally I don't get involved with someone if I don't respect there preexisting relationships. I say that because it was something I learned the hard way. Also it just feel yucky to me. I don't want to be routing for their relationship to fail. I don't want to be worried about my own motivations. I don't want to be involved. For me it's not about how much I personally like or dislike their partners it's more about respecting how they handle their emotional shit together.

Having partners whose preexisting partnership I really respect has worked out very well for me.

Also just as a heads up... you don't -really- know what is going on. He is showing you one side of the story, you are hearing the parts that bug him and annoy him (long term partnerships can have tons of that stuff and still be healthy and strong) and not hearing about the good things or her side or things.

Another personal rule I have is that I don't want my partners ever telling me “i just want to be with you” sentiment when they have other partners. I feel like it's very dividing and puts me in a strange uncomfortable place. Also talking about that can help a partner know that this isn't the kind of comfort or attention you are looking for or enjoy. Sometimes the monogamous mindset gets a little stuck on the idea that reassuring your partner that they are the best, and that you are into them more then any one else, is the kind of reassurance you -want-.


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