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-   -   Is it really THAT hard? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=505)

aussielover 07-22-2009 10:11 PM

Is it really THAT hard?
 
Why is it when I tell people I'm involved or in love with my loves, that they automatically assume it's all about sex.

I was showing a friend of mine today a picture of my Aussiebloke, (they've already seen Sunshinegrl) and she says "aah so this is the penis that turned you" I'm like, wtf?? That really kind of offended me as it wasn't his 'penis' that 'turned me' but that I fell in love with him. Shes not the first one I've had to correct. Another friend kept saying about 'my girlfriend and her husband'. I know they've only known me as a lesbian (well, for a good 13 years) but is it that hard to understand it's not my gf's husband, but my bf as well? Her man AND mine?

Is it that hard to understand that my relationships are deeper than just sex? I've NEVER been all about sex. They know that. I haven't slept with very many people, but yet this is what they assume automatically. The first person when I first told her says, laughing "I never thought of you as freaky like that" *sigh* Am I being over sensitive? Is it just me or do some of you have similar exprieneces with that?

XYZ123 07-22-2009 10:57 PM

Short answer? Yes, it IS that hard for most people to understand.

Longer answer? For the most part, we're raised to believe that one single person in a monogamous relationship is the end all and be all that we should all strive for. Anything else is seen as "freaky" and "weird". I've always LOVED in a way that was poly, but was never open to a poly relationship. It resulted in alot of cheating, until my hubby helped set me straight on what I was feeling and what I was doing as a result. I thought "poly" meant sex and was disgusted by it when younger. Unfortunately, for people who don't understand and don't feel what you do, or simply can't undo their conditioning, the true meaning (or what you feel it is) of polyamory may need quite a bit of explaining. For myself, when I try to explain my poly I approach it as I did coming out as bisexual. Some will get it, some won't, most will make stupid comments. I grin and bear it and those who are true friends will eventually understand, or at least accept me for it. You'll find that if you can bear the childishness, most people really don't mean anything bad and will come around. At least, I hope you have that experience.

As far as the "penis that turned you", unless the picture you were showing was actually OF his penis, that's a bit crude. ;)

aussielover 07-22-2009 11:17 PM

lol ummm no, I don't believe facebook allows those kind of pictures.

I can understand them not understanding loving two people, but it just bothers me that they think it's all about sex, you know.
I know neither of these two ment anything negitive or harmful, but just... gaaah.
I never really thought about it before I happened to be in love with two people, and then it was just natural. I don't think I struggled with it much or for long. It just felt too right.
Maybe I'm asking too much of them. I dunno.
Thanks for the input :D

foxflame88 07-23-2009 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aussielover (Post 3065)
Why is it when I tell people I'm involved or in love with my loves, that they automatically assume it's all about sex.

I wish I knew the answer to this too! I get just as frustrated as you do. It drives me absolutely batty that ppl always make the assumption that being poly is just about sex. GAH!

redpepper 07-23-2009 06:33 AM

I feel for you my friend. I was lesbian identified for ten years and when I met my now husband it rocked my world to the very core.

I was very much the butch in my last long term female relationship and he came into that so that we were three. It didn't last, as she wasn't into poly and still isn't, though to me, we have a poly relationship with her, minus the sex. I wouldn't ever tell her that, she is quite adament that it is just plain wrong.

Anyway, I lost a few friends because of meeting my husband and had similar responses. It got worse when we lost our other and she melted back into the lesbian world again. There was a lot of protection of her because they saw it as my having cheated and leaving her for a man. I was very hurt and realized how disillusioned I was.

I realize now that I was hanging out with some conservative lesbians who were a tad old school and very threatened by men in their old school feminist up bringing. I realized that no matter what the sexuality there are always conservative minded people around other peoples sexuality and lifestyle choices. Just because they were lesbians and seemingly living an unconventional life didn't mean they hadn't found their own conventionality within it!

Not only that, lesbian culture is very against using a real penis for having sex. I know my friends and I were. I distinctly remember saying that we thought they were gross. I wonder if there isn't a bit of threat there.

Maybe it's jealousy. I have female to male friends who would be jealous of a mans penis.... maybe that is where it comes from.

Perhaps also they want to try a penis on for size themselves and are jealous that you have.

Yup, I wouldn't take it on.... sounds like it may be unrelated to you at all and all about them, whatever the reason.

Sunshinegrl 07-23-2009 07:15 AM

Honey..If she could actually See you and Him together they way I have. She wouldnt even think that. The chemistry and the Love between the two of you..SOOO not just sex. I sorry that she doesnt get it. But really... Does it matter? Your happier then you have been in a long time. It just so happens that one of the people that makes you that happy has a a penis. You are Still YOU!

I dont think unless they have lived it that they can understand.

Quath 07-23-2009 01:28 PM

In college, I had two guy roomates who dated self-identified lesbians. I asked them once, why they identified as lesbian since they were in a semi-monogamous relationship with a guy. (One couple just cheated on each other a lot, so it was semi-monogamous.) The basic answer I got was that they wanted to stay in the lesbian culture and bisexuals were not quite welcome in that group. Being bisexual seemed to be a sell out.

That saddened me that a group/culture founded on sexual freedom represses some forms of sexuality. In the end, we are individuals that rarely fit neatly inside labels.

ImaginaryIllusion 07-23-2009 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 3095)
Being bisexual seemed to be a sell out.

That saddened me that a group/culture founded on sexual freedom represses some forms of sexuality. In the end, we are individuals that rarely fit neatly inside labels.

It seems faily common in a lot of groups & subcultures...particularly the supposedly 'open & accepting' to have some bar, level, test, image or something that you need to live up to...and a gayer-than-thou (gother, geekier, kinkier, 3l337-ier, ...poly...er, etc.) attidute for anyone that doesn't live up to the ideals of the cool kids that have made the local scene into their own little fiefdom that can run the spectrum from aloofness to plain hostility.

'Tis unfortunate.

MonoVCPHG 07-23-2009 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 3102)
attidute for anyone that doesn't live up to the ideals of the cool kids that have made the local scene into their own little fiefdom that can run the spectrum from aloofness to plain hostility.

'Tis unfortunate.

That is a great statement my friend..very cool:D

aussielover 07-23-2009 10:00 PM

Redpepper, I know exactly what you're saying... and the funny thing is, I have very few lesbian friends, both of these girls are straight as can be!! (maybe should have mentioned that before).

Thanks baby *sigh* I guess you're right. I wish they COULD see us together. I know my friend K though, she'd still find it weird... I dunno. In time I know they'll adjust, it just was bothering me, their comments.

I know what you mean about the 'gayer than thou' and bisexuals not really being accepted. Before I fell in love with a man, I used to think it was really just either experimenting or a transition phase... I know now it's not. And I know people who also don't really consider others true lesbians if they've ever slept with a man. I would have been a 'true' lesbian by that definition until recently.

Anyways... thanks for the thoughts and comments... I just found it strange my STRAIGHT friends would make those


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