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-   -   Advice for first meeting a metamour? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50325)

toralatigra 05-05-2011 09:37 AM

First meeting of metamour... Help!
 
I'm meeting my potential metamour this weekend and I'm excited and confused. We're going on a group date which will be my second physical date with the guy. He and his wife have a third date policy, but he and I hit it off so well that we decided to do a group date on date 2, with some me and him time after.

What I need help with is... What kind of things should I ask her about and what should I potentially be prepared to talk about/answer questions about? Has anyone else that's new to poly gone through this yet? And if so how did it go and was it totally awkward?

She seems pretty cool from what I can tell so far, on phone days with him, she's been in the background sometimes so I'll catch her comments in response to something he says to me and it's seemed so far that we have similar thoughts.

Well anything you can share/answer/advise on would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!
Tora

BlackUnicorn 05-05-2011 10:19 AM

Good to hear things are working out for you!

Well, stuff that would be good to know about include;

1) measures against STDs and pregnancy, fluid bonding, how to deal with possible crisis situations;

2) time-management; how many date nights per week, where, what are you going then, what about overnight stays;

3) what is their current dating status; are there any others in the mix atm, how long have they been poly, is this their first actual polyship/first ever in this formation, how out they are/expect you to be;

4) how much and what kind of communication is needed in what comes to relationship milestones, sex, overnights, meeting someone new etc.

5) how much say can you ultimately expect to have in the relationship; do they have plans to re-locate, have children, do any other major life-altering decisions in the near future that could potentially affect you?

Not all of those need to be covered on the first group date, but if your relationship progresses, they will most likely come up at some point.

MrFarFromRight 05-05-2011 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toralatigra (Post 80045)
What I need help with is... What kind of things should I ask her about and what should I potentially be prepared to talk about/answer questions about?

You could ask her what she thinks of her gym instructor and offer her some advice on growing cucumbers.
:D:D:D
Couldn't resist that:rolleyes:;):p. I see that BlackUnicorn has already given you sensible, helpful advice. All those issues need to be dealt with. What I really wanted to say is that I don't think that you should worry so much about it beforehand. Keep BlackUnicorn's points in your head, but try to relax on the date. Let it flow. If the questions flow, that's great, but don't force anything.

She seems positive about the whole deal. You notice (even just hearing her in the background) that she seems to be compatible to you. So the most important thing is: open yourself to friendship. Show trust, express interest. That will probably (on a first date) do you all more good than a load of nervous questions.

toralatigra 05-05-2011 06:22 PM

Thanks both Black Unicorn and MrFarFromRight,
You both gave me good things to think about, and Black Unicorn, my guy, I'm going to start calling him Mr.C, surprised me with a coffee date this morning when I got off work, and we talked a little about the meeting this weekend. The sex/std stuff will definitely be a topic of conversation this weekend, but I kind of expected it since part of the reason they opened open their relationship to physical intimacy was because he was needing more than she could give physically speaking.

One question I have too is, if when we're talking and there's something I let them know I need to have in the relationship, but they counter with we/he can't meet that need all the time, let's say it's I need a date night every week. Does that mean that things are automatically doomed? or are there ways to compromise? I suppose this probably all depends on the people involved, but generally speaking, or possibly in your experiences, are people in poly relationships good at compromising? Personally I am a very understanding girl who's not super needy and really just wants someone to be with/spend time with once a week or so. But I understand that his wife is his primary and they have kids together. So yeah... any other thoughts or advice would be great!

SNeacail 05-05-2011 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toralatigra (Post 80110)
One question I have too is, if when we're talking and there's something I let them know I need to have in the relationship, but they counter with we/he can't meet that need all the time, let's say it's I need a date night every week. Does that mean that things are automatically doomed? or are there ways to compromise?

I would suggest that you ask the question just as you did here.

bkreader 05-05-2011 07:05 PM

Quote:

One question I have too is, if when we're talking and there's something I let them know I need to have in the relationship, but they counter with we/he can't meet that need all the time, let's say it's I need a date night every week. Does that mean that things are automatically doomed? or are there ways to compromise? I suppose this probably all depends on the people involved, but generally speaking, or possibly in your experiences, are people in poly relationships good at compromising? Personally I am a very understanding girl who's not super needy and really just wants someone to be with/spend time with once a week or so. But I understand that his wife is his primary and they have kids together. So yeah... any other thoughts or advice would be great!
It really depends on if you truly need a date night every week, if you need a date need every week except if something comes up, or just want a date night every week but could accept once every 2 weeks. If you have an actual need that can't be met compromising on it is just going to get you hurt, but if you have a need that's satisfied but your wants have to be compromised a little every now and then you should be able to work something out. For instance instead of your need being a date night every week, your need might really be a date night most weeks with exceptions for anything special that might come up with his wife or kids. Of course you may have an actual need to see him every week in which case you shouldn't compromise on it.

In general I think poly people are good at compromise, just because if you're not than it'd be hard to manage 1 relationship let alone more. It's a skill that's pretty important to being poly so a lot of poly people have worked at it.

redpepper 05-05-2011 10:45 PM

Being firm but considerate is a good place to start with your boundaries. You could make a compromise for a while, but if your ultimate goal is a date a week, then I suggest you tell them you would be inteding to work towards that because that is where your boundary is. The thing with boundaries is that they are movable, compromise is a sacrifice "for now." At least that is how I look at it.

I would just be my self, ask questions about their life, talk about yours amd check out their body language amd communication style. Its only a second date. I would think there is lots of time to talk about major boundaries and start real negotiation. You barely know him and you don't know her. I would want to know if the dynamic is worth my investing in. If their communication is not like yours or there are other issues that bubble between them, it will come out I would think over some time and a couple to a few meetings. There is no rush.

Take a deep breath and enjoy yourself. She is going to want to know what you will be like as a person outside of boundary negotiation because that is the real you. Maybe third or fourth date along you could get together before and talk boundaries if it looks like he is going to be a keepr for awhile.

Kemie 04-16-2012 10:57 PM

Meeting a metamour
 
So Legs has a new shiny- an LDR that I'll call X. It's his first attempt at delving into poly after being so adamantly mono since we met.

She's also entirely new to the situation; we've chatted on facebook a bit and she has asked me a lot of questions.

It's about time for us to meet. She's going to fly to visit him for a weekend soon.

What is the best way to go about this? I've only met casuals of Wolf before and neither he or Legs have ever had another relationship since we've been together. I'm not worried about jealousy; I'm not feeling any of that. I just want to make her feel comfortable and welcome. This is new to me, too.

How much time should the three if us spend together? Should X and I spend some time alone? (Maybe just take a walk or something?)

The plan is to go to dance (we're all dancers) in a nearby city after we go to dinner together. We bounce around the whole time and socialize with lot of people. It will be very crowded. This makes me a little nervous for some reason; most people know I'm poly, so I'm not concerned about what others think about the situation. I'm not sure what it is.

Also, is it unwise to have her meet Wolf (not when she first meets me, but later in the day or weekend?) I don't want to throw too much at her at once, but I feel like it might help because she's very respectful and doesn't want to "take Legs away from me."

Are there certain, specific things I should (or should not) do? Suggestions? Advice? Experiences?

I appreciate it!

redpepper 04-16-2012 11:05 PM

It seems to me that just being yourself and creating a situation that is not too far off what you would normally do on a weekend is in order. Its like having any other guest I think. Be a good host and make sure you have a moment of time away from her so she can also take a moment.

Kemie 04-16-2012 11:17 PM

Thanks, RP. Normally, I would be spending the evening with Wolf; but, given the specific event that we're attending occurs once a month, it's not too out of character for Legs and I to be together.

I figured at the end of the night will go home with Legs and I will go with Wolf. Legs wants me to come with on the two hour-ish drive back to our city with the pair of them, but I feel as if that is way too much time in close quarters.


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