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Ambyer 07-18-2013 08:12 AM

Well, after lurking your forum for a few weeks, and Googling every combination of the term I could come up with, I decided to register and introduce myself.
I am female, in my early 40's with 3 adult children. I am currently a senior in college having gone back to school after my children were raised. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a married couple. They have been married for 32 years. We have been together for 4. They want me to move in with them once I graduate. Right now college prevents me from going anywhere as I have scholarships fully funding me and as far along as I am (and at the age I am) I cannot simply start all over trying to get money at a new school. However, this is not an issue, they both understand it. I am very bi, as is the wife. The husband is strait. We currently spend about 2 weeks together twice a year. That's all our schedules will afford us. I love them both very much, and I believe them both when they tell me the same. What I do not know, however, is if it would work for me to move to be with them full time. No matter the dynamic of our relationship behind closed doors, to society they will always be the married couple and I will always be the tag along friend. This, I'm not sure if I can handle emotionally. So I guess I found myself here simply looking at other people's experiences to see if anyone has had anything similar and if it worked, or if it failed epically. Either way, nice to say hello to the people behind the lives I have been reading about for a couple of weeks now.
On a side note I really cannot stand the captcha, lol, one of the words is always almost impossible for me to read. ;)

kdt26417 07-18-2013 10:06 PM

Hi Ambyer,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm sure after you get done with school it will be worth it, you will get to live close to the people you love. Sometimes it takes awhile to fulfill all of your dreams.

I am the "tag-along friend" with a married couple. I found it was hard to take at first, but over the years I have adapted to it. Don't give up, sometimes things that seem unbearable today don't seem as bad tomorrow.

Here's hoping you get past the captcha soon. :)
Kevin T.

Ambyer 07-23-2013 08:23 AM

Thanks for the warm welcome :)
Just out of curiosity, what did you do, or how did you overcome, the feeling of being a third wheel? In our relationships they both go out of their way to NOT make me feel that way, but it's when we are out in the public that I get that feeling more than anything. When we go out to eat, it's welcome Mr and Mrs X and then me. We were on vacation just the beginning of this summer down in Mexico and I had guys from the resort hitting on me thinking I was there with my BFF and her husband. I realize it's mostly in my head but it just sucks knowing that say for instance, something were to happen to one of them and they in the hospital, the other would have a right to see them in ICU being the spouse, and I stand a chance of not even being allowed in since I'm not legally related in any way.
Other than that, it's wonderful ;)
On a happy note, I found out I will be spending my birthday with them once again this year in December. I only have 5 months to wait now before seeing them again!!

Whisper 07-23-2013 10:23 AM

Hello Ambyer and welcome :3

I don't believe that I have enough experience to answer your question, but I would still like to put my thoughts down on paper/pixels. You see, I have only ever been in 2 relationships - one with my first ever girlfriend, which is still roaring on, and the other with another lady that was attached. My "first" girlfriend is bisexual (mostly lesbian though) and has a long-term relationship with a lovely girl (which I am pleased not to be involved with!).

I guess my situation was different in that I started my second relationship knowing that we were going to be each other's "third wheel". You could say I was a certified 3rd wheel and loved it :rolleyes: However your relationship with this couple is different...

Without having any practical experience I would say that if the couple makes you feel as official as it gets, then it doesn't matter what random people will assume. Of course most people will think that you are the best mate - the vast majority will not take a poly relationship as a possibility. It's just not how most people think by default, whether we like it or not... You can always surprise boys hitting on you by making the situation blatantly obvious and feeling awesome as they instantly jizz in their pants :D (excuse my language). Of course you'll need to be sure that the couple is OK with you being open at that level, and if they are then there is absolutely nothing to be worried about.

As far the emergency situation is concerned, we could be looking at an area where little can be done because the law is involved. My girlfriend was actually a surgeon so it's funny that you have mentioned this :) she did tell me that if something were to happen to her or her husband I would be unable to get through the door because the law would not recognise me as having the right to enter. I felt awkward about this but some things in life are as such I suppose :) You may find that others know of a way to solve this issue, and I would certainly be interested in hearing from anybody who believes that there is a way around it.

kdt26417 07-23-2013 07:05 PM

Re (from Ambyer):

"Just out of curiosity, what did you do, or how did you overcome, the feeling of being a third wheel?"
Well the thing is, I didn't really do anything, and the only how was the passing of time. It just started to be less of a big deal to me. It helped that more trust was built up between the three of us, so that I became more confident that I was considered to be an equal by my companions. Then it didn't seem to matter so much what the outside world thought.

I guess I had one big advantage. I always lived near my companions (just ten minutes away), or with them in the same domicile. It makes for much more opportunities to get comfortable with them in their house.

For what it's worth, when we go out to eat, we just say "table for three," and don't specify "who the couple" is.


"I realize it's mostly in my head but it just sucks knowing that say for instance, something were to happen to one of them and they in the hospital, the other would have a right to see them in ICU being the spouse, and I stand a chance of not even being allowed in since I'm not legally related in any way."
For that you need legal counsel, draw up special power of attorneys and stuff like that. That's about the extent of my knowledge; the lady of our household is the expert on legal, financial, and technical things.

Ambyer 07-23-2013 07:21 PM

Thank you for the input, and the ideas. I had never considered some form of legal council. It might be worth looking into. I don't know that it would help, seeing as how our powers that be look at poly, but it can't hurt to see.
Whisper, I DO like your idea with the guys. I think I will do that next time. We are very open and honest about our relationship, as long as his mother is not around that is. LOL. She is quite old, and you can imagine this would not settle well with her at all. At her age none of us want to upset her, so we just keep it quiet. As far as she is concerned, I am simply my girlfriend's BFF that enjoys traveling with them.

kdt26417 07-24-2013 07:58 PM

The legal documentation won't say "I'm/we're poly," it will just say, "I trust my affairs to such and such a person." I know that's how power of attorney goes, at least.

Lyr 07-26-2013 02:42 PM

Sounds like an interesting situation!

I'm new here too, and welcome~!

I have some experience being the third for a couple. It's different in that we're in our 20s, it was more about friendship and sex and we live close. But there were a few things that made me uncomfortable and insecure, so maybe that'll help you.

I knew that if I caused conflict in their relationship, they would stop seeing me.

They were uncomfortable with me being emotionally attached to either them.

Their room, their house and their world were their own and I was very much a visitor.

I sometimes felt that I couldn't communicate what I wanted or needed to. Where as they were practically telepathic with each other.

The girl would decide that they were going to stop the sexual part of our relationship, and then not tell me or explain.

To sum up, they prioritized their relationship over they one they had with me. Which was understood, and the arrangement, but ultimately not one that continued.

Your situation sounds a lot more wonderful! Haha. This was more like a friends with benefits situation. But these are the fears that I had, being with a couple. Maybe you'll feel secondary in their house, or their lives. They're well established. Moving to a place where they know everyone and you don't is quite the leap.

But it sounds exciting! I would say be a bit wary just because living with people full time is very different to spending 2 weeks with them. Your living situation would be dependent on your relationship with them. I'd have a plan B. But maybe that's not an issue for you, financially or whatever. Just a thought.

As far as the rest of the world, going against the norm is always challenging, but if no one ever did, things would stay the same. if you're secure in yourself and your situation, it can just run off you like water. It's like when some stranger calls you a lesbian c*** and, if you're secure in your sexuality, it doesn't seem to matter (yes, that's from my own experience haha). Friends can be educated; people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind =).

As far as getting hit on, I spent a long time giving excuses that were 'kind of' true- "I'm in a relationship" (I'm in an open relationship) "I'm gay" (I sway more towards girls). Eventually I've just gone with "I'm sorry, I'm not interested." or "I'm not attracted to you." Which you can soften with a choice "I think you're a great person" or "(Aesthetically,) I think you're good looking but". I've never had a bad response. All you owe to people is to be clear =)

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