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-   -   needing some advice please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5021)

littlebear 01-12-2011 06:50 AM

needing some advice please
 
hi...
i've never really done a forum or really talked about my poly relationship with anyone really. but i read a ton on poly from websites and books. i'm not even really sure if this is how i go about getting help.
but here i go... so i've been in a poly relationship for almost a year now. i date a man who has another girl friend. the man and i get along really great and i've never loved anyone as much as i love him. but his girlfriend from the beginning is extremely mean to me and degrades me and so much else. i didnt know he had a girlfriend going into the relationship he told me after hanging out and kissing several times. i was taken back but open bc i loved him so much and i believe that polyamory can and does work for people. as me and him get along great him and her don't at all. they fight quite often and when they do its not good. she the last time was hitting him and trying to fight him along with breaking windows and doors. it seems every fight every time escalates. she tells me a lot and tells me all these bad things about him but i don't see them. also when they fight they talk about how there not in love with each other anymore and they hate each other. along with saying the meanest things and calling each others names i just don't get how people can do to the ones they love.she also has cheated on him before me with a married man several times who was also a good friend of theirs and she denied it to his face. they even say they don't want to be together. she continues to have signs of being a sociopath and a lot of their friends warned me about her and their relationship. after this last fight with the violence and me almost calling the police i told him i'm sorry and i couldn't deal with it anymore. but yet i cant stop wanting to be with him bc honestly together we are so perfect. but after all she is doing to him and me i cant physically and emotionally take it. he always takes her back and forgives her. she was living with him but once he needed her to pay rent she moved out. now that she has moved out he asked me to come back to him. saying he can keep the relationship separate. but now i don't know what i can do. he gave me an ultimatum and i have to give him an answer by Thurs. but i don't see how he can keep them separate bc we have a lot of the same friends. and after everything i read i heard that's not a good idea.

i need some advice on what to do. because i fear staying or going back is a bad idea for my safety and also mentally

Charlie 01-12-2011 07:23 AM

Advice+grain of salt=choosing a path worth taking
 
Advice:

Now, you hear me and you hear me well...

I don't often take this fatherly tone with folks; I'm usually quite patient. But you asked for advice and I'm givin' it to ya...

Get out. Now.

"Here is a toast (clink) to the Heart that knows it is better off broken"

I'll spare you the anecdotal evidence and experience that will give credence to my advice about relationships; There are other threads for that. Just trust me for now when I say that you need to hear these words and trust that someone else has already been down a similar road.

Get out. Now.

The yelling, the screaming, the physical expression of inner turmoil... it's not worth your time or your love. Maybe, and I mean maybe, later. There are now 6.5 BILLION people in the world... you get to choose who gets the gift of your love. The situation you currently find yourself in is, I'm sorry to say, abusive, caustic, volatile, and out of control. Remove yourself, along with your heart, and start reevaluating the situation from a distance.
You will be thankful for the fresh air, at least.

Thursday, huh? Tell him to get bent. Move on.

Grain of salt:

I believe the fastest way to move along in life is to not spend time reinventing the wheel; learn from the mistakes of others. However, I also believe, just as strongly, that making enormous amounts of your own mistakes is the ONLY way to learn to make beautiful things for yourself and learn to live a beautiful life.

So there.

RfromRMC 01-12-2011 03:03 PM

Agree with Charlie.

There are times when a relationship needs work to make it survive. This is beyond that....I cannot see a way to fix this mess. From what you describe it is already in traumatic territory.

Fidelia 01-12-2011 03:05 PM

Get out. Now.

And stay out.

These two are badly messed up, both of them, and have chaos and ruin all around them. Have no part of it. Instead, work on your own issues, the ones that are making you even hesitate over this unhealthy and dangerous mess.

Get out now.

Ithink 01-12-2011 06:23 PM

The only reason I am replying is to add my own weight to the numbers. The above posters are all correct. Get out now.
IThink

littlebear 01-12-2011 07:09 PM

thanks a million
 
i cant even tell you how much i appreciate your advice and help people.
i try to explain things to him like this and he keeps telling me its nothing because she doesn't hit me or just any plain excuse. he also trys to make me feel bad for breaking it off.
but i feel so much better and knowing that i was right and im doing the right thing.
its hard now but i know i will be better off
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

NeonKaos 01-12-2011 07:12 PM

Wow, this OP is rich with "I wish the other people were here to give their side of the story".

That's all I have to say about it.

Fidelia 01-12-2011 08:43 PM

But they aren't, so we only have what's here.

redpepper 01-13-2011 07:08 AM

agreed, don't go back... he is in big trouble it seems... I think if this were me I would tell him so and offer my deepest concern for his well being and safety. I think I would tell him that I don't feel safe and that is why I am leaving. I think the last thing I would do is ask him to find me in a year, and I would find him so as to check in and see how each other is doing... then I would go and find new friends (the ones you have between you you will have to chose very well... no one that close to them or you), new prospects and a new take on love and life before finding other partners and love in life.

lovinhimloviner 01-15-2011 03:59 AM

My personal opinion is that if the primary couple is not steady it makes it very hard to work out well. Now, if the primary couple is this bad then it is probably better for you to step back. If he loves you he will understand and go at your pace. He has to understand that his relationship isn't good for them let alone anyone else.


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