figuring it out
issues i have when i don't know what's bugging me, but something is bugging me and i just don't know what it is, i just can't put my finger on it.
i find i can get both feet in my mouth and clearly down to my knees
if i can figure out what's bugging me, it's like a road opened up and said "hey, come down this path", ... then i don't even have to say anything, it's just realizing i should have been doing something different all along.
i was looking to her for "somethings gotta change", ...
i should have been looking at myself and saying "i have to change what i'm doing"
what bugs me most ?
when i'm not doing things, ... cleaning, chores, helping out, sure i'm doing stuff, i'm helping out, but the things i'm doing aren't things i consider that are important to say "i need to be doing something more tangible"
i'm a thinker, i can live my whole day in my head, ... but eventually i have to apply it, to do it, to write it out, to see progress with my own hands. i have to be actively involved in, actively doing things that have to get done.
if my lady is doing all those things, well i'm not doing them, and that itch begins, and i don't know what it is. because everything is done, so i can't put my finger on it, all i know is i'm frustrated and i don't know what it is.
odd thoughts about describing things -reading through the key threads in golden nuggets...
thoughts i have on describing things
as for describing V or triad
-if each person is a dot, the intimate relationships are the connecting lines
this does not mean everyone is having intimate relationships with everyone else
primary or secondary
-could describe it as the person you may be going home to every night or the person you have a casual relationship with.
-(for primary) or at least the people you may be spending nights with them on a regular basis. the people that you go out with to special events because you don't want anyone to feel left out.
the bible and polygamy
there's a history lesson
roman emperor Diocletian made the first anti-polygamy laws in the world (as far as i know) this is the same person that declared war on Christians wanting them all killed off.
his rule happened around the same time the bible was codified into a final collection of the various books and scriptures, all others were omitted and records of the books included were changed to omit reference to any books not included
Diocletian ruled from 284-305, there was no 'roman catholic' this means everyone who wrote anything that was included in the bible all accepted a culture that sponsored polygamy, (more specifically polygyny).
so the bible had many mentions of important prophets and others who had several wives, and mention of reasons why a man was to take a second wife (his married brother died) this was not a question of an option, but a responsibility of the man.
somewhere between coming out and poly dating, ... there is this middle area.
i've seen gays and lesbians make it a big issue to put it in everyone's face that they're only interested in their own gender. i find this annoying and rubs me the wrong way as some major insecurities.
where do you draw the line between "this is me" (as opposed to saying nothing) and have to make it well known ?
where do you draw the line between saying enough so that people know where your coming from without it being too much ?
somewhere between keeping it to yourself and no one knowing and making sure everyone knows because you don't want to give the wrong impressions.
leaving it to only those people that ask, leaving it to only those people your interested to tell them, ... you can't meet people if you don't share what your interests are because they'll assume monogamy. but if you tell everyone so that they do know, so that those who understand and are open to the idea, so you can see who is approachable and available, ... where do you step back between saying enough and rubbing it in everyones face ???
You recognize that these are your issues and you stop worrying about what other people think of you. You arrange your life in a way that is true to who you are, and you own up to choices you make that are counterproductive or at odds with what you believe is right. You say "yes, i have decided that the benefits/pleasure i gain from choosing X equals or exceeds that which i would lose or gain from choosing Y", and you recognize that it's a CHOICE not an OBLIGATION.
It never ceases to floor me how many people are obsessed what others think of them, and how many people are obsessed with what they think of others. So many lives not being lived by their rightful owners. So many people living their lives to be approved by others, never doing what makes them happy, never able to make others happy by sacrificing their own happiness.
Have some kids. Maybe THEY will get it right this time.
I live my life openly married and living with my husband and boyfriend. MANY PEOPLE don't ask. Many people say "your brother..." and I correct them, "my boyfriend.."
When I meet new people, which happens frequently at school, I am friendly and social. If THEY bring alternative relationships up in any manner I am honest and open about being in alternative relationships (this does happen frequently as it's a hot topic in my degree subject). If we get along well socially, I invite them to a social gathering that includes my partners-and introduce them.
When I attend events at school, I bring one or both of my partners. Over the course of a semester, people see me with two different men that I hold hands with, kiss, cuddle up to etc. I introduce them by name.
If someone expresses a romantic or sexual interest in me-they already know I have a family-cause I talk about my family all of the time.
What did you do this weekend?
"Maca, GG and the kids took me out for my birthday"
"GG and I celebrated our anniversary"
"Maca and I went to play pool"
"we stayed home as a family and watched movies"
"we played with the grandkids"
I frequently show pictures from my phone to people I have just met, of those nearest and dearest to me.
At no point does any of this include me bringing up "polyamory" or "open relationships".
But it almost always leads to them bringing it up by asking "your husband and your boyfriend live with you?"
I respond with yes.
I find that the people who don't struggle with this issue-are the ones who just go about life assuming they every day they will meet new people and they will show those people their real selves.
Then-in the process of life, some of those people will find them interesting enough to warrant additional conversations and some of THOSE people will develop feelings of care and concern and some of THOSE will become dating options.
The ones who struggle-tend to be searching for someone to date.
(do you see the difference?)
When we seek connections with people in general-we find people to date. When we seek only people to date, we often never find them because we aren't open enough for most people to connect with.
Best time to plant tree - 20 years ago.
Second-best time to plant tree - right now.
wasn't sure to inquire here, or in "coming out", or to start a new thread.
it's that middle area between coming out, ... how much is too much. and somewhere between how far do you go to let other people know 'this is me' so they know where you sit.
a question that kinda sits between everything, not really one or the other, yet related to both.
Loving radiance, ... then it's not an issue of telling other people, just an issue of being yourself and letting those curious know where you stand.
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