Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Life stories and blogs (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5)
-   -   Thoughts from a 2013 Newbie (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50143)

JadeDoor 07-16-2013 12:58 PM

Thoughts from a 2013 Newbie
My husband and I wanted to keep track of all the huge changes (good and bad) to our lives lately. I thought this would be an excellent place to do so.

Our background - Husband is 35, I'm 31. We have four kids between us - my three stepsons and our son together. I have been interested in poly for many years but my husband wasn't and so I put it aside and decided it would never happen.

A month ago my husband I were having a frank discussion about his ex wife. We've been trying to get her to move out our way for a long time. She lives in a....less than desirable town and we live out in the country. The kids are involved in sports out here and have great friends, we own a house, etc. It's settled and lovely out here. The discussion led to said ex wife having feelings for my husband still and me asking him if he ever thought about his feelings for her. Previously my husband (Neverwhere on here) felt that he should just shut off any feelings that didn't suit him. As a result he was either happy or angry, not really much in between. But this past year he has made a lot of changes and so when the idea of poly involving his ex wife came up...we felt it was worth the discussion.

A few weeks ago (the 20th of June, I think) they went on their first date. She was very excited about it, he had a lot of fun, and they discovered they get along much better as secondaries than primaries. She and I, meanwhile, used to hate each other but over the past two years have actually become pretty decent friends. It was a LONG road.

My brother-in-law also lives with us and I don't know if it's possible to consider yourself in a non-sexual poly relationship, but I guess we might be. We're best friends, would date if it weren't so awkward for my husband, and have accepted and appreciate that we have a really awesome friendship where we like to spend time together separate from my husband and his ex wife.

This past Friday the ex wife (going to have to think of a nickname for her, but for now let's call her Amanda) called me crying and saying that she was getting kicked out of her apartment. We knew for months that the place was being condemned but we all thought she had another month before she had to be out. Neverwhere and I discussed it and decided the best thing to do would be to move Amanda into our spare room. The kids could see their mom every day and as for the poly stuff...we'd figure it out.

So Saturday we got a uhaul, moved all her stuff into our garage and spare room, and she's been here 3 nights now with no issues. We share the cooking and cleaning responsibilities, got the kids onto the same rules they've always had here, plus some extras from her house, and she and Neverwhere still had a date night last night while I watched movies with my BIL.

This is not permanent. We can't share the same kitchen forever. BUT... we have a garage that would make a great two bedroom apartment for her. We are going to go ahead with that. It will take a couple months, but we are very excited about this.

There is a lot of new stress with this situation obviously. On top of it, I started dating a man last week whom I met when he very sweetly hit on me at a store. :) He is mono right now but very open to poly lifestyle. It's been quite the journey in a small amount of time. But we feel like it was almost meant to happen this way. We are helping Amanda out, we have our family all in one place, and things are going great. I know there will be fights along the way, but I'm hoping this is the norm for us instead of just ... a natural "high on life" sort of situation.

Feedback welcomed. :)

JadeDoor 07-16-2013 01:35 PM

So far Amanda and I have not been alone in the house yet. She moved in Saturday and so the men folk were here Saturday and Sunday. Then they both had Monday off for doctors appointments. So today is our first day, just the moms and the kids.

SS9 and I went to wake up his mom this morning with my 3yo. We jumped on the bed and talked for a few minutes. I guess she sent Neverwhere (my husband) a text saying we woke her up and that she loves her family. So that's nice to hear.

I thought it would be weird, our first morning, because she's usually up early and is OCD about cooking and cleaning. I'm more like "go get some cereal, kids". So I was worried about being "shown up". It's funny.... I think any jealousy I have stems from kid-related issues and not "sharing my husband related issues". :) As a stepmom, it's sometimes hard to know where you belong. I've been raising these kids 60% of the time for five years now. Hard to share that with their mom living here, but we are figuring it out.

Thinking it might be a good beach day for all of us. We live near a lake. Hoping today goes as well as the other three have. :)

idealist 07-17-2013 03:39 AM

Ex wife has moved back in
I can relate in a way! I've been with my primary male partner for 10 years but we do not live together. We actually have 4 houses between us (2 each) which does keep us busy and makes it harder to spend a lot of time together. He and his ex wife have a 16 year old son. The son was 6 when I met my partner. After struggling with joint custody for about 5 years, somehow it worked out for her to move back into the house. So- when I spend the weekend there, she is there too! If she was interested in sex, they would probably have sex, but she doesn't seem to be interested. It works out for them. She has a place to live without having to worry about rent or a house note. The son has both parents in the household (except when his dad is at the other house) and my partner (the dad) has someone to do his clothes and take care of the house - which is good for me too- that way I don't have to worry about all of that....In have my own properties to worry about. This would not be acceptable for a lot of monogamous people (even though they are not sexual) it would still be threatening for a lot of people. My thoughts are- forget what the "norm" is and figure out what will be a win for all involved. Do it, as long as it's working!

Nadya 07-17-2013 12:26 PM

You definitely have a lot going on... Sometimes life brings us into unexpected situations and often changes happen suddenly and accumulate like an avalanche. Hope it goes fine with you all :) My guess is that there will be some rough patches ahead, but it might well be worth it. Cherish all the small (and bigger) goodies in your new everyday life, and it will give you strength to go on.

kazmcouple 07-17-2013 07:33 PM

sounds like your life is as hectic as mine :)

JadeDoor 07-18-2013 02:20 AM

Second day went even better than the first. Amanda and I were able to have a chat about cooking schedules, kid issues, chores for everyone, and a discussion about if we wanted some kind of schedule for who gets time with Neverwhere and when or if we want to play it by ear. We voted for play it by ear. :)

We are still reallyexcited about building her a small two bedroom in our garage. she is so happy to be here and so in love with our whole family being together. she is even more new to poly than I am so I was explaining the difference between polygamy and polyamory. With our situation here I joked with Amanda and Neverwhere that we are polygamorists. lol. She and I are like sister wives but I might date someone else. she is mono and is only interested in Neverwhere. Which actually is working quite well.

I keep waiting for the big fights and issues...I'm sure they'll come. but for now things continue to be an awesome adventure.

JadeDoor 07-25-2013 02:08 AM

We are well into week two of Amanda (my husband's ex wife) living with us. There has been far more good than bad.

I think the hardest part for me is feeling even more unimportant as a stepmom. If you've ever been a stepparent, you understand the struggles we go through to find our place in the blended family dynamic. Are we a parent? Are we a fun aunt/uncle? Are we just "dad/mom's wife/husband"? Or do we fade into the background and become...nothing?

For the past five years I have been a parent. Neverwhere and I made decisions together and ran our household as a team. He often disagreed with Amanda on smaller parenting issues and so we very much had a "mom's house/dad's house" rule structure, meaning that the kids lived completely different lives at both households and had to remember which house they were in to remember which rules they were supposed to follow. Often Amanda had very few rules and we ran a much more structured house.

It has been interesting to try to combine that into one household now. I think for the most part we have done very well so far. But tonight was not a good night for me.

Once again, none of my issues arise because of jealousy over my husband...more so over my kids. lol. I am having difficulty living with both bio parents in the house and wondering "Am I even necessary anymore?" I have always been the codependent savior of the family, willing to give up everything I want for what everyone else wanted or needed. Going to all the parent/teacher conferences, even when the kids' mom and dad couldn't make it. Doing all the extra curricular, worrying about the kids' education, doctor's appointments, and religious training. You'd think I'd be happy to share the burden, but mostly I'm just finding it difficult to give up control.

I am struggling tonight and hoping for a better tomorrow.

JadeDoor 07-25-2013 02:43 AM


Originally Posted by idealist (Post 215238)
I can relate in a way! I've been with my primary male partner for 10 years but we do not live together. We actually have 4 houses between us (2 each) which does keep us busy and makes it harder to spend a lot of time together. He and his ex wife have a 16 year old son. The son was 6 when I met my partner. After struggling with joint custody for about 5 years, somehow it worked out for her to move back into the house. So- when I spend the weekend there, she is there too! If she was interested in sex, they would probably have sex, but she doesn't seem to be interested. It works out for them. !

It's nice you guys have found a way to make that work. May I ask why you each support two houses? I thought at first one was for the ex wife, but you said she moved back in so I'm just curious. :)

JadeDoor 07-30-2013 06:58 PM

Six days since my day of frustration with stepkid/stepmom issues. Things have resolved nicely. Amanda (the kids' mom) told me that I shouldn't feel like I can't parent still, especially since we are all living in my home. Well, mine and Neverwhere's. :)

We came up with some more middle of the road rules for the kids and it seems to be going well.

We had a rough weekend here. There was a lot of tension about some relationship issues. But in the end, I'm glad my husband and I have come such a long way in our communication with one another. Years ago this would have been an unbelievably huge deal, involving lots of fighting, but now we get to talk about each other's issues and come to a compromise.

In other news, the guy I was seeing has decided he doesn't have time for a relationship right now. Wow, that seems like quite the ironic comment since I have four kids, a husband, an ex wife, and my BIL living with us and I still have free time. So I decided to just sit back and relax about that one. We have a lot in common and so we can be friends for now. When he has the time. haha.

Meanwhile, my husband and I have done a lot of talking and we've decided that I should try dating my BIL. We'll call him Mark. I'm really trying to keep my life as private as I can, even though I do need the support of this board. So...much deliberation and discussion of how this would go and work and such... Mark and I are going to try a romantic relationship. We dated 6 years ago, before I even met my husband. We had great chemistry but it just wasn't meant to work out then. Mark introduced me to his brother and we hit it off right away and got married that year. :) The four of us adults (Neverwhere, myself, Amanda, and Mark) all live together so it seems to work well that we would all be involved in this aspect of our lives. I am excited to see how much farther our family develops.

fuchka 08-01-2013 12:06 AM

Wow, to clarify - Mark and Neverwhere are brothers, and you are considering dating Mark as well as being married to Neverwhere? That should be an interesting journey! Some history, too :) Hope things go well

A few months back, I went on a bit of a reading blitz over 'fraternal polyandry' (being married to two or more brothers) as it seemed to be one of the few accepted social examples (in certain cultures) of a female having multiple male partners. Just thought I'd drop a comment in case you hadn't come across it:


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:01 PM.