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-   -   Then and Now: My Journey to Poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50124)

ICanBeStunning 07-16-2013 06:23 AM

Then and Now: My Journey to Poly
I keep going back and forth on the idea of posting a blog-like thread. On the one hand, it might help my process, on the other... I think that I should suck it up and deal with my own stuff quietly; which means I won't deal with it.

But I do want to talk about it, and I might appreciate some feedback... maybe, and my sisters are about to kill me if I mention "this poly stuff" again... so I'll give this a try. Perhaps posting in a public setting, will push me to move forward. So this is my then and now... my journey and my process.

ICanBeStunning 07-16-2013 07:46 AM

Then: I cheated again... and I feel like a heel
Do people still say that?

4 years ago...

...I cheated on Styx with Slim. I can't believe I did that... I didn't think I would do that again. I feel so guilty. Is it my fault? Is it his? Leave it to a cheater to blame it on the cheated. Well technically, he knew what sort of a person I was... I warned him. Why did he have to suffocate me? Put me on this pedestal? I have to break up with him... but I can't tell him I cheated. He'll go to a dark place, and I don't think he'll come back from it this time.

...Except Styx is sick again, and I feel guilty breaking up with him when he's sick. The longer this relationship lasts the guiltier I'll feel. The worst thing about this is that he finally gave me his OK on exploring this polyamory thing. Granted he was only OK with me seeing girls, but that's a start isn't it?

...I finally did it. I feel free! I feel like a weight is on my shoulders still... the secret. Honestly, if I ever tell Styx that I cheated, it will only be to alleviate my pain... I hate it when people make decisions for others without consulting them, but this is something he really doesn't need to know.

...I've been talking to Slim a lot lately... sometimes he gets on my nerves. He's a good friend to have. Under no circumstances can this relationship ever be more than a casual situation. Slim wants me to meet his wife, but I'm really not sure about that. He isn't either for that matter.

...I have a new play partner in Tiny! He's fun. Brows finally stopped being scared and stated that he wanted to have some sort of a relationship with me. OMG... that's Slim, Brows and Tiny! Am I a slut?

...I met a new guy! Law Man... I'm not sure how I feel about his yet, but it will be fun to explore this.

... actually, I miss the closeness that I had with Styx. I want to recreate it with someone else. Maybe Law Man?

... terrible idea. He just wants to use me. I'm definitely not OK with that. Bye bye Law Man.

... I checked up on Styx... he's really sick. I feel so guilty... almost like my breaking up with him made him sick. I wonder if he's playing it up... nah... Styx wouldn't do that. He's the best guy I know...

...Seeing Law Man casually wouldn't be so bad. I'm going to ask him not to sweet talk me though. I really don't need a romantic dialogue when I'm only seeing him in the most extreme sense of the word casual... I like hanging out at his house.

... I haven't seen Slim since September, but we talk all the time. Every so often he's unbearable to deal with. Should I even be talking to this guy? Whatever... he's not my husband.

... I talk to Brows every day basically. He's... I think he's falling hard but I'm not sure that I want that.

... Tiny is... smitten. Poor guy. I'm not ready for this.

... All my guys know about each other... except for Law Man. Does he need to know anything when we're not even serious?

... Tiny fell off the face of the earth. I'm hurt, but not much I can do about it.
... Law Man is somewhat out of the picture.

... Brows has a son... and they went on a family vacation. How's that for news?

... Brows is back.
... Tiny contacted me... I'm so fucking mad at him. What does he expect from me?

... Slim went on a family vacation.
... I forgave Tiny.
... School's about to start.
... Slim et al are back from vacation. I missed being able to text him all the time.

... I have a date with Slim. Lol is this a once per year thing?
... Family drama has been making me hard to deal with. I'm stressed out. This date will relax me
... That date was awesome. Slim sends shivers down my spine whenever he touches me. I love our physical connection.
... I hooked up with Law Man again. WTF? I am a slut!

Styx: I've known him since HS. I dated him for 3 years before the betrayal and breakup.

Slim: I met him a year into my relationship with Styx. But it took a very long time for me to acknowledge any sort of sexual interest he had in me. I really would go for him for advice on Styx... I did tease him quite a bit, but I didn't have strong feelings towards him.

Brows: I met him a little before Slim. He seemed terrified of me. He really waited for me to take the lead on approaching him, and when he finally understood that I wouldn't, he grew a little bold.

Tiny: I met him right before breakup with Styx. He's been coming in and out of my life since... until I put a stop to that.

ICanBeStunning 07-20-2013 01:19 AM

Now: sigh
My love's love passed away. I'm sad for him. Also spending more time with him and being online just seems a little lackluster right now.

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