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-   -   Need perspective...please??? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49998)

bruisepristne 07-14-2013 04:27 AM

Need perspective...please???
 
Hi everyone, this is my second post, as I am new to these parts and to this life.
Something happened tonight that really upset me and I need some perspective and to know if I am overreacting?? I took my BF to a very fancy dinner that I planned for his birthday tonight. (We are primaries and we have a six yr old together...he has 2 other relationships outside ours) So while we are at dinner he kind of drifted off, and I asked him what he was thinking about. He said I didn't want to know and when I asked why he said it was because "he was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat." I am out of line to be upset? I got all dressed up, researched restaurants and menus so he could sit across the table and daydream about someone else? My feelings are really hurt and the sex I have been thinking about all day I don't even care about now.
I take some responsibility as I am the one who posed the question, but damn. I never would have had I known that would be the answer.
I am struggling with and trying already to work through my own insecurities about this poly world, and I know that is my problem, but when you love someone aren't you supposed to be somewhat sensitive and supportive of them and whatever they are going through?
I don't know, to top it off, I feel bad because I feel like I put a cloud over the evening...ugh.
Advice? Perspective? All is welcome and super appreciated.
Thanks so much.

LovingRadiance 07-14-2013 06:16 AM

I strongly believe in not asking a question unless you are prepared for the worst possible answer.
Simultaneously-I believe that was arrogant, self-centered and rude on his part.
I would have walked out and left him sitting there alone. Seriously.

Magdlyn 07-14-2013 06:23 AM

That was kind of rude and tactless.

nycindie 07-14-2013 08:34 AM

He acted idiotically. If it were me, I would have said to him, "Is it really too much to ask that you be present and attentive when you are with me? Do you even appreciate the effort I made to give you a special night? You can't even bother to control where your mind goes?" And then I would have left.

It doesn't sound like he is handling having multiple relationships very well at all. He really bungled that one.

Dirtclustit 07-14-2013 09:40 AM

not to jump to conclusions
 
but that is strange and would ask him if he honestly had any intention of purposely behaving in ways so that he could tell you that information and have it be your fault. Because that was taking being an asshole to the extreme.That's exactly the type of behavior that ruins Polyships.

but on the other hand, if you have to pretend he doesn't have those feelings on occasion, it will cause problems later (although hopefully he won't rub your face in it reminding you during the time your time with him)

If you can talk with him about it in ways so that he can understand, than the at least the hurt won't be for nothing. If it can be used to prevent a more severe repeat scenario, these mistakes can be healing. If Birthday dinner means it doesn't happen on your anniversary, then it's good you got it out of the way.

In general though, I think it is a better idea to not hurt you before you ask the question (if that makes sense) LR is right, you really need to be careful asking questions if you know the answer will hurt. But if he is going to give you a chance to retract it , I think saying

"it makes me uncomfortable to think of my lovers in comparison, do we have to discuss this now?"

is much better than

"you don't want to know the answer to that question" because the first way of asking "are you sure?" doesn't insinuate the answer you don't want to hear

but your situation was different, as you didn't ask about kissing or comparisons, you simply asked what he was thinking

Natja 07-14-2013 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 214749)
I would have walked out and left him sitting there alone. Seriously.

Word!

To be fair on the OP, who would have anticipated that???

Magdlyn 07-14-2013 01:02 PM

The only silver lining here is, at least he didn't say he was thinking about sticking his dick down someone else's throat. :o

I'm sorry he said something so unexpected after all the loving effort you made.

FullofLove1052 07-14-2013 02:04 PM

OP stop beating yourself up. You asked the question? So what? If I ask, do these jeans make me look fat, do I really want someone to tell me, "Yes, you have gained a stone or two and would do well to buy some more?" He should have handled it better. Your boyfriend was a complete and total douche in that moment, and he needs a few lessons in tact and class. He put the cloud over the evening by admitting that he would basically have preferred to be with someone else. That would be the last time I put forth effort like that.

Marcus 07-14-2013 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bruisepristne (Post 214742)
He said I didn't want to know and when I asked why he said it was because "he was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat." I am out of line to be upset?

My mind wanders, I can't do anything about it. If there is something profound going on in my life (I'm worried about work, I have a new girlfriend, I have a game coming up) my thoughts will often drift in that direction. Even if someone did something nice for me and I really should be paying attention to what I'm doing... the mind just wanders.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bruisepristne (Post 214742)
I got all dressed up, researched restaurants and menus so he could sit across the table and daydream about someone else?

Doing something nice for someone shouldn't come with expectation. I dated a girl who, when I wasn't doing something she wanted would bring up "but what about all of the nice things I've done for you". This is not a kind act, but a down payment for the expectation of future payout. If I do something nice for someone that's it, there isn't any return expected. If I'm trying to get something from someone and I need to do something nice to get it... is that really a kind gesture anymore? Or is it just my putting down a payment to get something I want?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bruisepristne (Post 214742)
when you love someone aren't you supposed to be somewhat sensitive and supportive of them and whatever they are going through?

Unfortunately now that there has been a dramatic incident about "what are you thinking" I am skeptical that he will answer that question honestly again. Why would he? Personally I'd rather have someone be honest with me than to feel like they need to tip toe around my feelings or I'm going to freak out. What lesson do you think hubby took away from this experience?

Marcus 07-14-2013 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 (Post 214800)
If I ask, do these jeans make me look fat, do I really want someone to tell me, "Yes, you have gained a stone or two and would do well to buy some more?"

That is the perfect example of what NOT to do. Why play games like that; setting up traps for people? Wouldn't it be better if the people around you thought you were an adult who could handle the truth instead of treating you like you are an emotional teenager?

I see this kind of insisting on a white lie form of relation as a serious barrier to intimacy. If I know that my partner is setting up little traps like this for me there is no reason for me to trust them which will prevent me from building intimacy with them.


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