My story, hoping for advice and wisdom from some of you??
I am new to this, and the site so bear with me as I muddle through.
I fell madly in love in 2005 & moved across the country to be with my boyfriend. About a year and a half later we had a child together, a little boy who is turning six this summer.
We broke up in 2009 for a myriad of reasons and went through a lot of hell in life and with each other for a couple of years.
In December of last year, I asked him if he would consider therapy with me. So we could work through our past, perhaps become better friends and therefore better parents to our little boy.
He agreed and we began therapy together soon after, which has gone and is still going phenomenally well.
Soon after therapy started we discovered we had made a lot of assumptions about each others past behavior and feelings for each other. We then began entertaining the idea of dating again.
I realized soon after that through everything we had been through, that I still loved him, and that I never stopped. In December of 2012 we began dating again, knowing very well that we needed to do things differently, because what we did before didnít work. In addition to that, we were also aware that the stakes were much higher as our son is now at an age where he would remember us together and then apart if things were to not work out this time around.
When we started dating again, he was dating another girl. Who was and is poly. She had no problem with him seeing me and I really had no issue with him continuing to see her either. Which was strange for me as historically, I have always been a one man one woman kind of girl.
I realized, then, what love really is, at least for me. It was accepting someone for who they are and giving them the freedom to make their own choices, as well as to pursue their own happiness as long as it isnít harmful to anyone else. I have never loved someone selflessly before. I have ALWAYS wanted my partner to be happy, but WITH me and me alone. It was quite an epihany for me to realize that maybe I couldnít be everything to someone, and that that was okay. It didnít mean I was a failure, which is what I always used to believe.
Fast forward to today and things are going well. We get along better than we ever have, our physical and emotional connections are stronger than ever. We are admittedly in love with each other and planning and committed to a life together and to our family.
All that being said, this whole concept is still new to me. I am not dating anyone else right now, even though I could, but he is. There have been a few casual relationships for him that have come and gone already, and until recently, I have been totally at peace with our situation. He is open and honest with me about everything as he is with his other partners. Recently though, I have started to struggle internally with one of his other relationships, and I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle it. I have wonderful friends, a lot of them know what is going on, and they all say the same thingÖthey just want me to be happy. However, not knowing anyone personally who has ever been in this kind of relationship, I donít really have anyone to turn to when I have issues or insecurities I am trying to work out.
Right now, he is seeing me, and two other girls. One is super casual, and not an issue at all for me. For some reason, the other one, I am having a really hard time with. She has a boyfriend she lives with, and a girlfriend as well. She and my partner have been seeing each other for a while now, and that relationship is definitely progressing. (he is friends with her boyfriend, they both have always been poly from what I understand) They used to get together about once a month, and that is now turning into once or twice a week. When I mentioned to him how I was feeling, his response was to show me a text from her. He was trying to explain to me that I am not the only one who has bouts of insecurity because the text he showed me was her expressing the same concern about losing him. (We live about 45 mins from each other now and in the next month or so, I am moving down the street from him and she is concerned my proximity will affect their current relationship) I understand what he was trying to do, but what he really did was confirm to me, that this relationship at least for her, isnt casual. You donít have those kinds of concerns unless you have an emotional investment in the relationship.
Last weekend, our son was invited to a birthday party of a mutual friends daughter. I was invited, but she was as well. My partner wanted me to come, and I struggled for weeks about it. I even got dressed that morning in the hopes I would be able to go. But when it was time to pack up and head out, I couldnít do it, and I was angry. I was angry that I didnít feel strong enough. I was angry that I bought all these gifts for this little girl and I wouldnít get to see her joy in opening them. I was angry that this other girl was going to get to watch and play with our son. I was angry and dissapointed.
I really want this relationship to work. The only person I love more than this man, is our child. I want us to grow old together, I want us to be in life together. I want to be his rock and vice versa. I just donít know how to deal with these bouts of terror and insecurity and I know if I donít find a way to cope, it will take a toll on our relationship. I donít want that, or to be ruled by fear.
I have done a pretty good job, in my opinion AND according to him on dealing with all of this. He thanks me all the time for being so brave to walk this road with him and tells me how he is only in love with me and that nothing is more important than our family. That no one will screw up our relationship but us.
So, WHY am I struggling so much and with JUST this one girl? I have known and loved this man for almost 10 years, and I believe him 100 percent. I just for the first time, really freak when I think of them together, or of him looking at or touching her the way he does me. I know jealousy is just insecurity, I just donít understand WHY I only have it with this one person???
My biggest fear is that I will continue to be brave enough to walk this road with him and that a month, a year or 10 years from now, one of these external relationships will end ours.
The other thing that I struggle immensely with is the idea of meeting any of these women. I didnít go to that party because I didnít want to smile at this girl. I didnít want to talk to her, or shake her hand. I didnít want to stare and compare myself to her. Part of me wants to be strong enough to do that, and the other part really wonders if the only reason I have been able to handle this so well is because all the relationships are separate. The idea of these worlds colliding scare me to death too, and I am unsure why.
I am sorry for such a long first post, and to anyone who is still reading, I appreciate you taking the time. I guess I am hoping someone else out there has been through or is going through this? I could use all the advice I can get.
Thanks so much everyone.
You are encountering the same way I'm sure many people feel at one point. It's natural. But your were cool with it at one point, am I right? I'd like to ask what has changed between being cool with it then and not-so-much now?
Well, you're still thinking from a monogamous mindset. You're OK with your bf having casual, sexual relationships, but not fully emotional ones. This is very common with poly newbies. Generally some are OK with emotions as long as there is no sex, or sex as long as there are no-- feelings!! Eeek! Feelings!
When you understand poly, you will learn that if your partner IS poly, he can have emotions as well as lust for more than one. If he was wired mono, he'd leave one gf if he fell hard for another. But since he's poly, he can love you deeply while still falling for another.
It's too bad you didn't go to that party and meet her. Quite often, meeting a metamour cancels out much of the insecurity. I'd recommend planning a date ASAP, if she's willing, with either just her, or with your shared bf. Coffee, a drink, a walk, an hour or 2, short and sweet.
If even that seems too much, have her come to the house to pick up your bf for a date and at least chat for 15 minutes as a start. Face your fear. It's good for your health. Be scared, but do it anyway. The world won't end.
Thank you for your time & responses...
I am not exactly sure what has changed, other than a couple of months ago we found out we were pregnant. I am 39 and he is about to turn 37. Now we had not planned this obviously, but we had talked about (before I got pregnant) that we might want to give our son a brother or sister. When we found out I was pregnant, we after a lot of thought and consideration decided to embrace the surprise and have the baby. Two weeks ago, at a routine ultrasound we discovered that I had what is called a 'blighted ovum'. Where the gestational sac grows but no actual baby ever develops. I was devastated, and had to have surgery two weeks ago to take care of it.
Ever since that happened, I have been less secure in myself and I don't know exactly why. In this time was also when he showed me the text message from his other 'girlfriend' talking about how she was worried about losing him if I moved closer. Those two things combined have left me kind of unsure of a lot of things. My bf has been wonderful throughout it all, totally supportive. Maybe the gravity of the reality of expanding our family and knowing that if we did have another baby I could end up being a single mother to TWO kids has me rattled. I really just don't know, and all I really want is work through it, to get back to the place where I was a few months ago. Secure and happy.
Wow. I hope to think I could be that brave. Part of me really wants to get to a place where I feel strong enough to do what you suggest.The other part of me is terrified that in my mind I will think she is everything I am not, and that I will be picking apart body language and feel inferior the entire time. Or that I will have a total emotional breakdown in front of her. It is one thing to be vulnerable, but to share that vulnerability with a total stranger? Beyond scary to me. I wonder if perhaps online communication would be a good place to start? It is my understanding she is open to meeting me, and from what my bf tells me, wanted me to come to that party too.
Welcome to our forum.
It sounds like it's all about how serious your boyfriend's other relationships are. If they're casual relationships, then there is no threat at all. If they're serious relationships, then maybe they'll grow and grow until they take over your relationship.
It sounds like it's very important that all of your boyfriend's other partners be secondary partners. If he had another primary partner in addition to you, you would feel very threatened.
You have to work through these insecurities, and try to have as much faith in your boyfriend as you seem to. If you were 100% sure that he'd never leave you, why would have these fears of being replaced? You must not be 100% sure.
Are the two of you still seeing a counselor? Perhaps you still need some counseling. Try to find a counselor who is poly-friendly, of course.
I hope you can get things worked out, and that Polyamory.com can be some help.
Oh, that's so hard to hear! You've been rocked and I can TOTALLY see where you would become insecure with all of this. Has he been supportive of your emotional state? The loss of a child is gripping to the mother through instincts and, brace yourself, the dreaded HORMONES. :(
I agree with Magdlyn that you should try setting up at meeting. Sometimes metamores aren't aware of these hardships and they become more understanding of situations when read in. Ad if its more comfortable for you to e-mail then I say go for it. Try it out!
Chin up! We're here :D
You are right, if he had someone else in his life that was a primary, I would definitely feel threatened, but that isn't his fault. I know all of this isn't about HIM it is about ME. I think because we have such a long and complicated history, and we have somehow found happiness in each other again, the thought of losing him is overwhelming. And I don't think anyone likes the idea that they could be replaced or that what they have isn't unique or special.
The other part of this is that historically, I have struggled with weight and self image. For a long time I was overweight, and didn't like myself. I grew up with a single mother who from the time I was 10 was telling me I needed a personal trainer. So, I have fought long and hard to get to a place where I feel good about myself. I am happy with my weight now,(I went from one point from a size 14 to the size I am now, a 4) and for my age etc., I think I look okay.
When you grow up hearing you aren't good enough, pretty enough, thin enough sometimes those thoughts creep in when you are at your most vulnerable. I know it will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life, it is just HOW I let it affect me and the relationships I have.
I think I am as sure as I can be that he wouldn't leave me, but knowing in life that the only constant is change and that when it comes to love and emotions, you can never be 100 percent sure of how someone else is going to feel forever, there is still a little fear there.
We are going to therapy next week, and I am hoping that will help.
Finding this forum has been a huge blessing. I literally don't have anyone in my life to talk to about this relationship, which outside of the one with my son, is the most important one in my life.
So grateful for that, and all of you.
Yeah, it has been quite a roller coaster and yes, he has been wonderful. By my side through it all. But that is definitely when the insecurities began for me. He showed me that text from her in the same week, and it was the weekend after I had to have the D&C that the birthday party was. It was just emotionally way too much for me to handle at once, even though I really DID want to go.
I in turn, have tried to be sensitive to his needs and feelings throughout this as well. The week after, he was supposed to have our son for the week, but I kept him so he could have some time to himself after taking care of both of us the whole week before. I also knew his other GF (the one I am threatened by) wanted to see him, and I wanted to give him the opportunity to catch up with/reconnect with her.
Having never done this before, I think the other fear about meeting her is basic, how do I interact with this person? What do I say? She knows about what happened, I know they talked about it last week. From everything I hear, she is fine with me, with my relationship with him etc., for the most part anyway. She obviously has insecurities about me moving closer to him.
I am sure I could either meet or email her and she would be fine with it. I am just not sure what to say to her, and I am terrified she will be able to smell my vulnerability a mile away. Everyone else in this situation has someone else. She has her boyfriend and girlfriend(s), My BF has two other GF's....I just have him. That scares me too...but right now, I don't want anyone else...
Of course she's everything you're not. She's a different person! Your kid is everything your dh is not... Your dog is everything your fish is not.
I've met/hung out with my bf's wife a bunch and we are both everything the other is not. She's a science geek, I'm an artist. She's small and slender, I'm voluptuous. She has longish dark curly hair, I've got a short silver layer cut. She's an introvert, I'm an extrovert. She built a house with our shared partner, I don't have any building or electrical skills. She's nearly asexual, and I am insatiable.
We are close to the same age, we are both female and wear glasses and "alternative" types. Ginger gets different things from both of us! That's the beauty and purpose of the whole gig.
Another reassuring thing is all the stories Ginger has told me about his past gfs. Wow. The things he put up with from them! I'd say they were high maintenance and inconstant and yet he loved them despite of it all. I feel I am much easier to get along with than they were, so I am pretty secure! haha
Fear of abandonment and body self image are obviously things you need to work on, and I'd recommend you do more therapy so you can enjoy this poly ride instead of being struck down with fear and insecurity.
I am sorry for your pregnancy loss.
Yes those are both issues I am aware of and have been working on little by little every day for years. All I can do is my best to be a better person than I was the day before. Which is always my goal when I wake up in the morning. I might not win every single battle, but I always get back up, and I always will.
Thank you for taking the time, and for the advice. I appreciate it.
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