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-   -   Boyfriend getting divorced (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49789)

WhatNow 07-09-2013 08:46 PM

Boyfriend getting divorced
 
Background, Married female for 13 years, boyfriend of 10 months-he's now getting divorced. Kind of polyfidelity, meaning we agreed to only be sexually active with each other, (just the boyfriend and I, spouses separate issues), but the boyfriend and I are secondaries, spouses come first.

Trying to make a long story short, years ago, boyfriend not happy in marriage, marriage not meeting his needs ect. . ., basically forced his wife into poly. She seemed to have grown into accepting that, (none of that I agree with and I brought my concerns up). Years pass, I have a relationship with him, not knowing the gory details of that until months later when she tells me. Then, his wife finds a boyfriend and after 4 weeks with the new guy decides it is time to leave the marriage.

So my boyfriend is getting a divorce. What is the best advice for handling him? I despise the idea of him screwing every female that moves, I am honestly afraid of that. Hell, I WILL NOT tolerate that. He is not ready to discuss this with me since he has so much going on. He also travels A LOT, so the opportunity exists and I feel the need to get an agreement. So far the only thing I can come up with is no more sex. How do I handle all this? :(:confused::confused::confused::(:(:(:(

Marcus 07-09-2013 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhatNow (Post 213956)
So my boyfriend is getting a divorce. What is the best advice for handling him?

Stop trying to handle him; have you considered loving him instead?

I suggest you take care of what *you* are doing and stop trying to control the people around you. You will find that your life is much less stressful and relationships are much less "work".

WhatNow 07-09-2013 09:53 PM

Marcus, you are right there, I do control, you make sense. I feel I need to know what to expect here, he isn't quite much into discussing it with me. He is planning on going on adventures now, being gone for 3-4 weeks at a time. I am more concerned about sexual safety and handling my feelings when he goes into details of his sexual encounters than time spent from me.

Marcus 07-09-2013 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhatNow (Post 213960)
I am more concerned about sexual safety and handling my feelings when he goes into details of his sexual encounters than time spent from me.

Have him use a condom when he is with you and ask him not to go into details about his sexual encounters. Problem solved :)

BoringGuy 07-09-2013 10:22 PM

Sounds like you don't have a whole lot of trust and communication in that relationship. No wonder his wife is divorcing him too. What a catch he must be.

WhatNow 07-09-2013 10:38 PM

Yep. He is a lousy listener. Pretty wrapped in himself, but he does have a lot going on. He has to share or he feels inhibited. Ugh. I think I just need a good support system.

WhatNow 07-09-2013 10:40 PM

Yeah, we had to have the condom talk when they strongly considered swinging again. I have learned to trust condoms, but what about oral sex? Is there really anything besides plastic wrap??

Magdlyn 07-09-2013 11:36 PM

To be honest, after I separated from my ex, I didnt quite screw anything that moved, I was picky, but I did date a lot and probably had some kind of sex, fingers, oral, or intercourse, with about 15 guys and one woman. :eek: :o This was mostly in 2009 and 2010. Things slowed down after that... I did need to sow some wild oats after a 30 year mono marriage.

I used condoms for PIV sex but didnt use them for oral. Just my choice. I assessed the risks and made the decision and was tested for STIs regularly, and was fine.

I'm sorry you're not comfortable hearing sexual details of your partner. Myself, I enjoy them!

WhatNow 07-09-2013 11:47 PM

I use to love hearing those stories from him, they turn me on. Yeah, really nothing out there on safe oral that I know of. But now, I am just feeling so sensitive. I want him to go out there and have fun, the friend side of me. But the lover side is just so upset.

nycindie 07-10-2013 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhatNow (Post 213956)
So my boyfriend is getting a divorce. What is the best advice for handling him? I despise the idea of him screwing every female that moves, I am honestly afraid of that.

First of all -- handle him? Sheesh, isn't that a rather insulting way to talk about him - that he needs handling? Like how a politician has handlers who fend off and steer people into certain directions in order to protect the politician. That is so... manipulative.

Second of all, what makes you think that divorce = screwing around? I highly doubt that in the midst of such emotional upheaval, that would be his goal. However, if he does want to seek release with someone else, what business is it of yours? You manage your relationship, he manages his.

Thirdly, if you have an agreement to polyfidelity, andnow you're afraid that his divorce means that is null and void, why are you coming here and asking how to handle him when you can be talking to him about it? "Honey, I know you're going through a lot right now, and I just want you to know that if you feel the need to renegotiate our agreements, I am here for you and willing to listen." What's so hard about that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhatNow (Post 213956)
How do I handle all this? :(:confused::confused::confused::(:(:(:(

Okay,a much better question and vastly different from how do you handle him. But I have to admit, your attitude is startling. He is going through a break-up, the end of his long-term marriage, and all you can think about is yourself and how it will affect you?

Try compassion.


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