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-   -   New and so sad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49745)

erkabu 07-09-2013 04:21 AM

New and so sad
 
Hi, everyone. First post here, so be gentle.

I met the greatest guy ever from OKCupid about a week and half ago and somehow let myself really fall for him even though I found out that he was in an open marriage (not normally my thing). After we talked, I realized he was probably poly and so I've been devouring everything about poly online this past week.

I'm a very open-minded, optimistic, and loving person and I started getting really excited about this lifestyle and the possibility of also being friends with his wife, hanging out with all of our kids together, etc. Being one big, happy family with lots of love for everyone to go around.

This guy and I have so much in common and we clicked in a way that I haven't felt in over 10 years. I've been hurt a lot and have a pretty thick shell, but in just two dates I already could see and feel such a wonderful future for us.

Anyway, he just called me and told me his wife noticed that he was really happy and so she vetoed our relationship. We hadn't even talked about the rules of our relationship yet because when we last met I didn't even know anything about the poly lifestyle. I found this great card online that had questions for secondaries to ask to clarify where they stand before they get sucked into a bad situation. Too late...

He said that she has been having problems with her boyfriend and so can't deal with him being happy. She's threatened by me because I'm not his usual type and she can see him so happy since we met. I don't think that he's able to convince her to change her mind. It sounds like he does whatever she says (which would have doomed our relationship anyway, but still what a way to find out).

So I've been crying (which almost never happens -- as I mentioned hard shell) and feeling so sad. I've been reading lots of threads on this forum over the past week and thought maybe some of you could send me some good thoughts and sympathy. This isn't exactly something that I can talk about with anyone I know.

calypsoblu 07-09-2013 04:51 AM

Put simply, you are worth more than that, and I sincerely hope you feel that way about yourself. Sounds like you need to move on from here and meet someone else to explore the poly life with, he is not a good choice based on the fact his wife can veto your relationship on a selfish whim. Your relationship will never develop to its full potential w her in charge, ever. And it seems this is what their relationship model of poly is for them, it probably wont change.

BoringGuy 07-09-2013 05:19 AM

a WEEK and a HALF ago? You mean like, ten DAYS ago?

How old are you?

Take a bath in some ice water. That should set you straight.

kkxvlv 07-09-2013 05:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by erkabu (Post 213786)

Anyway, he just called me and told me his wife noticed that he was really happy and so she vetoed our relationship.

He said that she has been having problems with her boyfriend and so can't deal with him being happy. She's threatened by me because I'm not his usual type and she can see him so happy since we met. I don't think that he's able to convince her to change her mind. It sounds like he does whatever she says (which would have doomed our relationship anyway, but still what a way to find out).

Yeesh they sound lovely. Good thing you found out so quickly though.

Natja 07-09-2013 06:00 AM

Yeah, good escape there OP, you should be relieved not sad!!!!

Dagferi 07-09-2013 11:14 AM

I am sorry op. It sucks being hurt.

But I will agree with others. At least you found out early on. You definitely do not want to get involved with someone whose partner has that kind of power over your life not to mention wields it vandictively.

Do not get yourself wrapped up in a fanasty world when dating. You had 2 dates and you were planning a future together? Hon you hadn't even seen the real him yet. I also hate to pop your poly fantasy bubble. Just because you would have been dating him it doesn't mean you and his wife were going to be bff's or even like each other. My husband and biyfriend definately aren't they are respectful of each other but my boyfriend wouldn't want to hangout with him socially.

As for thinking of bringing the kids into things after 2 dates wtf are you thinking. This is not something you bring children into Willy nilly. Kids tell the world your secrets. Plus you just shouldn't invovle children in your dating life period until you are sure they will be around a long time . Society isn't exactly the most accepting place, and a lot of oso's are kept as dirty little secrets.

Again sorry you're hurting and I am sure others will give better advice for you.

Magdlyn 07-09-2013 12:12 PM

Hi erkabu,

Welcome to the boards. I can empathize with you as I had 2 occasions in my past 4 years of dating (since my divorce) that something similar happened.

2 really nice guys, 2 insecure controlling women (one a wife, one a gf). One date, lots of sparks, intimate talks, lots of flirting, some physical contact (sex with the first one, holding hands and kissing a bit with the second), requests of 2nd guy to FB friend him, hormones of NRE rushing through my veins.

The 2nd guy, M, was more recent. I'd known he and his gf had had a shared gf (unicorn) just a few months previously. Said unicorn had had a big blowup with his primary and broke up with them. I'd told him I don't date couples when we'd been IMing before meeting and he ran it by his gf, who said, go ahead. (I wasn't attracted to her-- I'd looked at her ok cupid profile and pix.)

Well, soon after our date, M told me she told him he couldn't see me anymore. This woman was friends of friends of MY bf and he'd FBed M too. I took M off my FB after he bailed, but my bf stayed on his list and he was my spy, heh. He told me a month or so after I'd met M, his gf broke up with HIM.

Dramaz!

Anyway, I was disappointed, I did feel bitter, but luckily after 4 years of dating, coming across fools and cads from time to time, I got over it pretty quick. I hope you do too. And I hope you find a better guy sooner rather than later!

bookbug 07-09-2013 01:29 PM

Hon, I agree with the other posters, it is best you found out after two dates. It could have been far worse. I moved in with a couple - at her urging - everything was beautiful, until with no explanation she went 180 degrees and everything blew up. I won't bore you with the painful details.

That said, this kind of insecure, controlling, I don't want my partner to be happy unless I say so crap eventually destroys relationships. After a year and 2 marriage counselors, the couple I was with is divorcing. Does it bring me any satisfaction. No. Everybody got badly hurt in the end.

I know you are sad, but you dodged a huge bullet.

erkabu 07-09-2013 02:15 PM

Calypsoblu - thank you for your kind words. I agree with everything you said.

Boringguy - I find your post rude and unhelpful. You seem to be trolling and just trying to get a rise out of me, which is clearly not what I expected from the forum or I would never have posted here in the first place.

Dagferi - I wasn't really planning a future or working to bring the children into anything, just very happy about the possibilities that I could imagine. I realized that they most likely would not materialize. I'm normally pretty guarded until someone proves they can be trusted, but this was different because this guy was so great and open and we clicked in a way that I may have never experienced before. That's why it hurts so much.

Magdlyn - thanks for sharing. I like your quote about fools and cads. Sigh. Met a few of those in the past few years.

Bookbug - You are definitely right. It's best that I found out how psycho she is right away or it would have been even worse. It sounds like they don't really have a poly point of view and are just trying it because the alternative is divorce. That's where they are headed anyway.

Flowerchild 07-09-2013 03:50 PM

Just a word of, hopefully, friendly advice
 
First off, it seems like you've seriously considered the advice given, and are getting to be okay with the situation. But there is a small red flag that went off in my head....and I hope you don't take it as attacking you.

Are you SURE it was the wife that ended this? I only say that because it seems you never met her, nor talked to her. There is the possibility that he used her as an excuse. If so, I just want to ask...I know it can be very fun to fall in love right away, I've done it, too, and it's fun :) And, hey, yeah, after two weeks, it's not like we're going to build a life together, kids, white picket fence, but it doesn't hurt to fantasize, right?

My only thing is, did you tell him about that stuff? Because if so, there's a small chance that scared him off. As much as I love fantasizing myself, if a new partner told me that kind of thing after a week, I'd probably bolt.

Again, I'm not saying I think you did, and you probably didn't.


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