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-   -   Texting agreements (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49560)

Hes 07-05-2013 08:27 PM

Texting agreements
 
Hello - I'm new to this and struggling with jealousy. This I what I wanted, but man it feels really hard. Can anyone share agreements you've made with your primary partner about texting other lovers. How much is too much? What about saying goodnight and good morning every day? What about when you are out together at a party? We have made some agreements already, such a no texting in our bedroom. Any thoughts are appreciated. The amount of texting that he is doing feels overwhelming, but I don't want to be controlling. Plus it's new and fun for him. I don't want to take that away. At the same time I want to be gentle with myself as we venture into this new territory. Thanks!

Marcus 07-05-2013 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hes (Post 213268)
At the same time I want to be gentle with myself as we venture into this new territory. Thanks!

I don't exert control over my partners (not that any partner of mine would let me).

A more constructive approach is to deal with your own problems. If you are feeling insecure you should seek therapy, do some reading, get in shape, get a better job, whatever it takes for you to feel better about yourself. Putting restrictions on the environment so that it can better coddle your emotional issues is not a solution... it is just delaying the inevitable while at the same time risking your current relationships.

Avoid asking someone else to adjust their behavior in service to your insecurities.

PaulDrakket 07-05-2013 08:49 PM

Texting agreements sounds like 'permission'
 
Your negative feelings are yours to deal with, not your partner's to tiptoe around/avoid triggering. I can't imagine telling those I love how much they can or can't do something that they want to do (and enjoy), and I sure as hell can't imagine being okay with one of them trying to control me via emotional leverage. Letting him know how his actions make you feel, that's one thing, but setting up rules for his behavior? That sounds control-y.

Your partner is experiencing NRE, which is awesome. Try to be happy for him, experience some compersion; share in his excitement and joy. This kind of thinking will not only make the jealousy easier to wipe away, but will open the door for some awesome emotional synergy with your partner/s.

Maynard 07-05-2013 08:49 PM

Hope this helps
 
All I can do to help is tell you how we worked it out.

My wife and I agreed when either of us schedule time with our GF, the other usually keeps it quiet on the texting. We also agreed that when its me and just the wife, neither of us is to text with the GF just so it can be us time.

I actually felt the same way for a long time, our GF was the wifes GF first. I talked it out with them and we agreed what we would want as per us time. Other wise, they chat while we're in bed and we all say good morning, and goodnight everyday.

It made all of our relationships stronger talking it out, we didn't set limitations, just understanding, kinda like in the sense, I wouldn't text my best friend while on a date with the wife, it would be rude.

Hes 07-05-2013 09:11 PM

Thanks guys. This is helpful. I do have a great poly-friendly therapist, and a meditation practice that keeps me out of my head (for the most part). Being a part of this community will be great for working through this too. Thanks again.

nycindie 07-05-2013 09:15 PM

There is a huge difference between saying "Do not text your other gf at such-and-such time or in such-and-such situation" and "I really would appreciate it if you were present with me and giving me your attention right now. I want to talk to you and enjoy your company." The first is telling him what he can or cannot do, effectively attempting to manage his other relationship (which is none of your business), while the second is asking for what you need.

Marcus 07-05-2013 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 213289)
I really would appreciate it if you were present with me and giving me your attention right now

On that note I would say there is a difference between disliking spending time with someone who is always texting and playing on their phone and having an issue with them texting a particular party.

If someone finds it rude for me to be on my phone while we are hanging out they are entitled to tell me their preference and I can respond however I feel is appropriate for me. I'm not fond of being told how I should behave so that might not get a very warm welcome but they are entitled to ask.

However, if someone doesn't want me talking to "her" because that makes them feel insecure... well... that's a different discussion entirely. At that point it isn't a matter of accommodating a preference, it is about my changing my actions to placate their insecurities.

nycindie 07-05-2013 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 213291)
On that note I would say there is a difference between disliking spending time with someone who is always texting and playing on their phone and having an issue with them texting a particular party.

Absolutely right!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 213291)
If someone finds it rude for me to be on my phone while we are hanging out they are entitled to tell me their preference and I can respond however I feel is appropriate for me. I'm not fond of being told how I should behave so that might not get a very warm welcome but they are entitled to ask.

How rude it is to be texting other people all depends on the scenario, I think.

I have no problem if someone says, "Oh, excuse me, I was waiting for this message and I have to reply," or "I need to take this call," once in a while. But generally, I feel that anyone who is in my company and focused on their phone is giving me a clear message - that they would rather be somewhere else or with someone else. That, to me, is rude.

If it is important to someone to be with me, then I would expect to have their attention and for them to be with me. If it is so important to be texting that other person, go do it but don't expect me to excuse you, and sit around to wait until you're done. Why shouldn't someone I am with at least be paying attention to the person who is in the same room with them? It isn't that big of a deal if we're just hanging around at home, someone doing laundry, the other working on their car or something, occasionally raiding the fridge, and whatnot. However, why should I stick around for someone to hold a private communication with another person while I sit there with my thumb up my ass just waiting, when we are out for the evening or scheduled that time to spend with each other? I would speak up and if it does no good, then either leave or ask them to leave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 213291)
However, if someone doesn't want me talking to "her" because that makes them feel insecure... well... that's a different discussion entirely. At that point it isn't a matter of accommodating a preference, it is about my changing my actions to placate their insecurities.

I agree with you there.

Marcus 07-05-2013 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 213300)
How rude it is to be texting other people all depends on the scenario, I think.

No doubt. When IV and I are just hanging out it is not strange for each of us to be on our computers or doing whatever (totally ignoring each other) but when we are on a "date", both of us seem to have similar instincts and don't dally on our phones too much. I think most people have a sense of when it is appropriate to ignore someone and when we should be "clocked in". Which is maybe why I find the prospect of someone telling me I need to put my phone down to be an irritating proposition.

Side note: It's funny to see the three of us (IV, CV, and myself) hanging around the house because we are each plugged in to our technology... loving family that we are :p

Dagferi 07-05-2013 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hes (Post 213268)
Hello - I'm new to this and struggling with jealousy. This I what I wanted, but man it feels really hard. Can anyone share agreements you've made with your primary partner about texting other lovers. How much is too much? What about saying goodnight and good morning every day? What about when you are out together at a party? We have made some agreements already, such a no texting in our bedroom. Any thoughts are appreciated. The amount of texting that he is doing feels overwhelming, but I don't want to be controlling. Plus it's new and fun for him. I don't want to take that away. At the same time I want to be gentle with myself as we venture into this new territory. Thanks!

First of all I don't play the whole primary secondary relationship BS. To me it is rude and an easy way for some one to feel like second class or a toy only brought out when some one is bored in the relationship.

We have no rules about texting other people beyond what is just common etiquette. I text or call my boyfriend when ever I feel like it. And vice versa. My boyfriend works a hellish schedule. 6pm to 6 am. I only get to talk with him a bit while he gets up for work. For 15 minutes at 9pm on his first break and for another few texts at midnight. He means as much to me as my husband so I want to share my day with him and he with me. I have had some serious health issues lately including trips to the er. So he keeps close tabs on me lately.


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