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-   -   Am I being controlling- need some perspective (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49557)

tilhumanvoiceswakeus 07-05-2013 08:14 PM

Am I being controlling- need some perspective
 
I need some perspective. My boyfriend of about nine months recently started seeing someone else about two months ago. I've been really struggling with feeling sad and unwanted, to the extent that I've started self harming again which is something I hadn't done in a long time. I know that the jealousy is something I need to work through, and I've tried not to try to limit their relationship in any way by asking for many boundaries, as I feel that would be counter productive. I did ask for some things- like that he check in with me first if possible when he was going to see her and schedule their meetings on certain days to make things easier for me, which he has done (although even that I felt horribly guilty and controlling asking for.)

He is seeing her this weekend, and I realised there was an event we might both want to go to (separately- I don't feel up to seeing them together yet). So I sent him a message telling him I was thinking of going to the beginning and probably wouldn't stay late but might, and asked him to let me know if this clashed with his plans. He told me he was probably going around 8.30. No acknowledgement that it might suck that I had to leave early, no asking if I was ok with this, just a pure statement of what he was doing which left me feeling like I had to just go along with whatever he wanted to do.
I sent him a message saying it would be nice if he acknowledged it might be difficult for me, and then another one saying I might have misread but I would like it if he was more clear about being open to negotiation. He hasn't replied, and now I feel like I've done something wrong.

Don't get me wrong- I don't think his message was that bad, just a bit insensitive. I just don't like this feeling that I'm the one being jealous and controlling when I bring up feeling uncomfortable with how he's handled something.

But I feel like I'm missing some perspective here, and perhaps am just letting my jealousy get in the way? Any insights would be appreciated.

Marcus 07-05-2013 08:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilhumanvoiceswakeus (Post 213265)
I did ask for some things- like that he check in with me first if possible when he was going to see her and schedule their meetings on certain days to make things easier for me, which he has done (although even that I felt horribly guilty and controlling asking for.)

Is this due to you guys having cramped schedules? Some couples need to resort to a calendar to make getting together more convenient. This is the case with monogamous couples who have demanding work schedules, people who have busy social lives, polyamorous couples who have various partners they want to spend time with. If it is simply a time management solution then I would say... whatever works.

However, your restricting the nights that *they* see each other to a particular schedule sounds controlling. I don't know the details of your situation but it would make more sense for you to post up *your* schedule and ask for time for the two of you - not telling them when they can get together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilhumanvoiceswakeus (Post 213265)
No acknowledgement that it might suck that I had to leave early, no asking if I was ok with this, just a pure statement of what he was doing

Good for him. Sounds like he knows what he wants to do and isn't asking for permission (which is how I think it should be done)

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilhumanvoiceswakeus (Post 213265)
which left me feeling like I had to just go along with whatever he wanted to do.

You decide what you do with your time. If it would be uncomfortable for you to go to something then don't go. If you want to go anyway and try to have a good time then go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tilhumanvoiceswakeus (Post 213265)
I sent him a message saying it would be nice if he acknowledged it might be difficult for me

I would break up with you right then and there. I would text back "this is over, I'll pick up my shit this weekend"

The reason for this is what you are doing is overtly making your own sensitive feelings his problem to deal with. You are passing authority and responsibility for your time and emotions to him because you either can't or won't deal with them yourself. Further, you are enforcing this transfer of responsibility with guilt for how much pain your are feeling.

It is his choice about whether or not he endures this baggage being handed off to him. His not responding sounds like he's gritting his teeth and wondering how he wants to "deal with you" as one would deal with an emotional teenager.

Take responsibility for your feelings and avoid the instinct to pass them off to someone else. Otherwise you should start getting comfortable with the idea of having difficult relationships in which you never seem to "feel valued". No one can do this for you... it's up to you.

PaulDrakket 07-05-2013 08:38 PM

What are you expecting? And why are you expecting it?
 
I'm assuming these correspondences were sent via text message, and the first thing I'd say is that text is usually a poor medium for serious communication. If I'm hearing you correctly, you asked him if your proposed plan/s conflicted with his, and he responded with a short, concise piece of information about his plans (what time he was going). His response would say to me: "No, your proposed plan does not conflict with any of mine. I'm going to arrive at approximately 8:30." I'm unsure as to why you are expecting him to bring up a potential insecurity of yours, especially in a medium of communication in which short, concise messages are the norm. If you want to negotiate something of the plan, just start negotiating. Why are you expecting him to verbally (or textually?) say he's open to negotiation? It seems from the recent events in your relationship with him that both of you are totally cool about negotiating stuff. Does he really need to tell you that he's down for that in a text message for you to feel like you can attempt that conversation?

I may be misunderstanding something you said, and if that's the case, please let me know.

GalaGirl 07-05-2013 09:40 PM

I assume you WANT to be in polyship and are having a hard time with the transition. (If you don't really want to be doing this, and are just going along with something you are not really willing to do in order to not "lose" him... stop doing it. Not compatible is not compatible. Be friends.)

You seem like you want more responsiveness/nurture from the BF in the transition time. I see where you are trying to connect, but it seems like there some expectation of him to just mind reader your needs after you kinda hint. That's not serving you guys.

Could risk being vulnerable and just ASK if he's willing to provide more support during transition. And if he is willing tell him HOW to tend to you. What behaviors you want him to do / not do. See if that approach serves you both better.

Could go over jealousy -- esp page 5 and 6 if you guys don't know what to be doing for each other. Maybe think about your beliefs in regards to jealousy triggers.

Could go over poly hell and talk about how to handle those kinds of feelings too.

Could talk it out and make the plan for the "transition time" now that he's seeing someone else -- what that means in terms of logistics, sharing time, health, boundaries, etc. So that ALL of you make it through the "weird in between time" as best as possible.

The "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" isn't really established just yet. It will come... but you all haven't found your feet yet after taking this new leap. In time, it will come.

Sometimes changes are just challenging to get through. Hang in there.

Galagirl


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