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-   -   cheating wife started my poly relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49513)

graviton 07-05-2013 01:49 AM

cheating wife started my poly relationship
 
hi gang. Here is the short sweet version. My wife opened up the idea of going poly because she was interested in women. She ended up having both an emotional and physical affair with the husband of the woman she was interested in. She also had a physical and emotional relationship with his wife that I was fully knowledgeable of and gave consent to. It was her interest in this woman that opened up our relationship to poly. I told her that if she was willing to go down that path that I should be allowed to pursue her good friend who I have had a very flirtatious relationship with over the last couple years. I was able to convince her friend to start dating me, and a couple months later I found out about her affair with the husband. I was furious, I don't think I was in my right mind and as a result verbally abused her and kicked her out of the house for several days. I decided to take her back and tried to work on getting back to forgiving her and loving her (we have 2 young boys). One of the terms of our being reunited was that she was no longer allowed to date outside of our marriage. I on the other hand am unwilling to stop dating her friend as we have both fallen deeply in love with each other. This happened about 6 months ago and I'm still fighting the desire to leave her. The days get better as more time passes so I think I'm over the hump. She is angry at me for taking her friend from her. What are your thoughts about this whole mess ? What if I told you the other man was my cousin?

Icewraithonyx 07-05-2013 02:26 AM

My first thought was that, during this time of marital strain, having an extra relationship could be taking away resources that are needed to repair things between you and Wife. While GF is in the picture, there's not as much motivation to reconnect?

bookbug 07-05-2013 02:58 AM

I get that you are angry, and I do understand why. No one likes to feel deceived.

That said shut down the emotions for a minute and ask yourself if you logically think it is viable over the long term for you to keep seeing your gf while your wife is not allowed the same freedoms? First of all, while you have your gf, it gives you the luxury of remaining angry. And I do mean luxury. Seriously, this happened 6 months ago and it sounds like emotionally you have barely moved past day 1. Why is that?

Secondly, the inequity of the situation is not conducive to forming a healthy, loving relationship. You may feel justified. That said, while trust must be re-earned, it doesn't sound like you are doing much to resolve your emotions on the issue. I think you know deep down that the way you are treating your wife is not helping to heal the rift between you, but you are not willing to do the hard thing of either letting your gf go to concentrate on your marriage or the equally hard thing of forgiving her and allowing her her loves.

As for the guy being your cousin, how is that relevant? I see no importance in that.

bookbug 07-05-2013 02:59 AM

Have you and your wife seen a marriage counselor?

Marcus 07-05-2013 03:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by graviton (Post 213134)
One of the terms of our being reunited was that she was no longer allowed to date outside of our marriage. I on the other hand am unwilling to stop dating her friend as we have both fallen deeply in love with each other.

Do you imagine that this ultimatum and expression of control over your partner is going to bring about a more intimate and trusting relationship? Is it going to heal your hurt feelings and encourage her to be more honest with you in the future?

You are punishing your partner and rubbing her face in it by doing what you forbid her from doing. This is not the act of a loved one.

graviton 07-05-2013 05:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 213138)
As for the guy being your cousin, how is that relevant? I see no importance in that.

I have moved light years away from the anger and resentment I was feeling 6 months ago. I'm not sure if you have ever been cheated on by your wife. But 6 months is a paltry amount of time in the healing process. I have forgiven her. The problem of him being my cousin is that I can't escape a trigger point for my anger and sadness due to him being a BIG part in my extended family. I can't think about or go to family functions without having to be reminded of their major breach of boundaries and respect to our marriage. If he were some other dude it would be easier to handle because it would be easier to remove him from my (and her) life, a very important step in healing from cheating. As far as her seeing others. She has admitted she fcked up and feels that poly isn't for her because she doesn't trust herself to be open and honest in that setting.
Thanks for your views I do take them to heart (especially you Marcus as I always love your analysis of every situation). I do recognize that by not giving up my girlfriend it may sap resources from the healing. I just can't stand the thought of breaking her or my heart because of something my wife did. My heart has already been broken once, I don't feel its fair to punish us (in yet another way as my wife's betrayal really caused a lot of pain to my girlfriend also when she saw how it affected me) because of my wife cheating. Losing my other love will only open new wounds and create more resentment towards my wife.

london 07-05-2013 06:38 AM

Leave your wife, be poly with your girlfriend if you want to. There is no point being with someone you cannot trust unless you can completely forgive them. You can't forgive her. What's the point of being with someone you can't trust? And, forbidding her from dating whilst you do, even given the circumstance, is unethical. That's why I think you should just end it and move on.

nycindie 07-05-2013 06:46 AM

She doesn't necessarily need to give up being with your cousin in order to make amends and rebuild trust. Plenty of poly people stay with the people they cheated with, while they worked on the relationship with the partners they cheated on. Forgiveness means to wipe the slate clean as if it never happened. You don't sound like you've forgiven her at all - in fact you sound quite bitter and vindictive. You're punishing her and trying to control her, but aren't getting any satisfaction out of that because to do so is really futile. You're having a tantrum. If I were either your girlfriend or your wife, I'd dump you for being so immature. I recommend counseling with a poly-friendly therapist, and stop thinking you have a right to punish your wife. Move on!

london 07-05-2013 06:50 AM

Yo've cheated on your husband with a family member, potentially fucking up his family life too, and you'd dump your husband for being fucking angry about you betraying him in that fashion? Yeah, that's some entitled shit there.

DTMFA.

nycindie 07-05-2013 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 213159)
Yo've cheated on your husband with a family member, potentially fucking up his family life too, and you'd dump your husband for being fucking angry about you betraying him in that fashion? Yeah, that's some entitled shit there.

DTMFA.

No, I'd dump him for arrogantly keeping his relationship with his girlfriend while he forbids me to have any other relationships. Of course he has a right to be angry, but at some point, he needs to let that go or it will turn into bitterness and eat him alive. He is flaunting his girlfriend to punish his wife and isn't even making any effort to forgive her - she is being treated like a criminal. This is serious shit, and if he really wants the marriage and his relationship with his wife to work, more than wanting revenge, they both need to focus on each other and takle a break from other partners.

No one can make amends or rebuild their trustworthiness if they know that their transgressions will be thrown in their face. The relationship needs two people to work together, not one groveling for forgiveness and a place in his life while he is basically saying "Fuck you" by lording his girlfriend over her. The cheating has to be dealt with but not via a temper tantrum. It's okay for him to be in love with his gf but she cannot be in love with her bf?


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