Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   3 years now..going nowhere..frustrated..dead end. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49471)

yul 07-03-2013 05:39 PM

(revised sorry!) 3 years now, going nowhere, frustrated..dead end
Hello, 3 years now since I have tried to change my 8 years relationship.

I am here today, completely confused and lost about if poly is even possible.

My main interest in poly is diversifying my sexual experience.
Some said it was not the right way to go about this and the relationship should be on a higher level.

Therefore I have tried making vanilla opposite sex friends before engaging too seriously but am now giving up.
Most girls don't really wants to be friends with a guy already into a LTR and therefore loses interest quickly I feel.

Even hinting at a chance of opening my couple to them later, I believe decent women would rather go with adultery instead of dealing with an open couple.
The only girls In have met willing to perhaps cope with this are too trashy or party animals for my GF's taste, and that I can understand.

My GF is also giving me mixed signals about the whole idea, saying that if I ever stumble upon someone I find interesting, she is willing to consider including her yet I am frowned upon at being "too" proactive in meeting people (ex: facebook) . She also insists on being there for the first meeting if I ever meet someone when she is not there.

She says she is OK in opening up the couple but I feel she is not really since there are many roadblocks.
Also I feel there are too few women interested in joining and becoming 3rd wheel.

My sex life slowing down now since I am really in need of changes but I am feeling trapped.
I don't want to lose my existing GF (that I love) but I need change and it doesn't happen!!


BlackUnicorn 07-03-2013 06:52 PM

I didn't get your post. Are you trying to find a third? If so, wouldn't it be a better idea to try dating separately, so you could have diverse sexual experiences with trashy party animals and she could date whoever?

yul 07-03-2013 07:27 PM

I think you must have mis-interpreted by post. I have made some corrections. Sorry.

How can I date separately if my GF is not feeling comfortable with it? That would be disrespectful..

What makes you say that I would still want a trashy party animal if my GF isn't comfortable with it?
I only said they were the ones willing to play with a couple. I personally don't mind honestly but my GF also gets a say..

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

Marcus 07-03-2013 07:51 PM


Originally Posted by yul (Post 212961)
Well I am finding your answer unhelpful, slightly insulting...I knew something ambiguous or vague like this would come up.

Yul, the point of your post was not easy to understand. I had to read it a couple of times to see if I could locate the central theme. So, if you want the strangers on the internet who owe you nothing and have absolutely nothing invested in your happiness to give you the very best advice possible... you might attempt to be a bit more clear in what it is exactly that you are looking for and what exactly your situation is.

I would offer you some input in your situation but honestly I can't be sure what you are hunting for, and since you are apparently keen to berate people for guessing I find myself disinclined to give it a shot in the dark.

yul 07-03-2013 07:58 PM

So sorry, I typically don't respond in such a way. I didn't like the recommendations of the previous answer and felt insulted.

Anyways, I have made corrections to my original post and my answer too.

Anyways, any help is welcome! Thanks!!

Marcus 07-04-2013 12:48 AM


Originally Posted by yul (Post 212950)
Also I feel there are too few women interested in joining and becoming 3rd wheel.

So you are shopping for a girl to slot into your current relationship so long as they understand that they are unimportant?

nycindie 07-04-2013 12:57 AM

The thing that is not clear is this: Why does your girlfriend get a say in whom you date? That is downright strange.

Is it because any new prospects will have to be involved with your current girlfriend, too?

That is what BU meant by "are you looking for a third?" In other words, a new sex partner for the both of you. And by the way, there was nothing disrespectful in how she put it. You chose to take offense, but didn't have to. We are only offering our viewpoints, no need to get all huffy about responses you don't like -- take them or leave them.

Or is your girlfriend just that much of a control freak that she demands to have approval (veto power) over YOUR relationships? That is usually considered quite a bossy, oppressive policy, in the view of most polyfolk.

If either of those is the way you are trying to do poly, no wonder it hasn't been successful.

Why shouldn't each of you date separately? Why does your girlfriend expect to have a say over who you want to be with? Is she your boss or your partner/equal? Why doesn't she trust you enough to make your own choices? The only time it could possibly be appropriate to meddle in your relationships would be if there is some danger to warn you about.

It does sound like she really is not on board with poly and, therefore, not actually giving her consent. I recommend much more talking and negotiating, and perhaps even therapy or counseling, to strengthen your foundation and get on better, solid ground before pursuing other relationships.

yul 07-04-2013 10:56 PM

Thanks for your responses!


Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 212988)
So you are shopping for a girl to slot into your current relationship so long as they understand that they are unimportant?

In no way would a secondary partner be unimportant.That would never be the case. I am very caring and affectionate regardless.


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 212990)
Why does your girlfriend get a say in whom you date? That is downright strange.

Because she would prefer to be part of the "arrangement" but, even if she is not participating, she does want to feel comfortable and inspired by my other partner since we will all be having sex together even if indirectly.


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 212990)
Why shouldn't each of you date separately?

Because she is not looking for another partner actively. She will jump on an occasion but rarely.
She also says she wants to make her presence known for all parties and doesn't want to be left out..


Anyhow, I feel like I still have work to do in finding the right person that will be willing to participate in such a setup. It looks like plenty of people in my surrounding are still finding this VERY strange and are on the defensive.

I also had a talk with my GF asking her to leave me some room and not be so overwhelming so I can have better time with prospects so we can "connect" more.

And yes, she is bossy but not that much. It doesn't look like a healthy balanced poly is that easy to achieve.


NovemberRain 07-04-2013 11:21 PM

From my perspective, three years is not an awfully long time. I was with FBF for 2ish years, and he was very good friends with CBF. The three of us were friends, yes, but mostly they were very close. When I broke up with FBF, I got closer to CBF and we eventually became a couple. For about 6 years. Broke up with CBF. Continued to be friends with both. Got back together with CBF, and about two months later found myself in a poly-vee with them both.

So, it took me at least eight years.

Please read up around here. Read about unicorns, read about control freaks. Consider, just think about, and maybe talk to your gf about dating separately. If stuff isn't changing in the way you'd like, consider a different change.

Vixtoria 07-04-2013 11:30 PM

Communication is not just what you say, but how you are heard. Seeing as I have had this kind of conversation from guys more than once, I'm going to tell you how this sounds to me in hopes that you might see why you are having a hard time finding anyone interested.

**Guy sits next to me at the bar and smiles. I smile back. We talk for a few**

HIM: Hey, so listen, I just want to be honest. I'm married, but, I'm poly. Which means I can have more than one romantic relationship at a time. My wife knows, there is no cheating, and well, I'm interested in you.

ME: Oh, well that's different/new/interesting. Okay so um, I'm kind of interested in you too.

HIM: Great! So listen, wife is sitting across from us, *waves to woman who waves back* She likes to be part of this from the get go. See, we will all be having sex together at some point and she wants to make sure she likes you and would have sex with you or at the VERY least, you have to inspire her!

ME: Ummmm, So you are looking for a threesome? I'm kind of not into that sorry.

HIM: No no no! You misunderstand! There will of course be threesomes and even if there aren't directly, I'll be having sex with you which is like her having sex with you so she has to know she likes you! Also, she's always going to be my wife and the most important to me. So you know, if she doesn't like you it doesn't matter how much I like you or you like me, it's a package deal.

ME: Yeah, really not into that. I prefer dating ONE PERSON and getting to know them. I'm not opposed to meeting your wife at some point, maybe even becoming friends but, I don't want to be held hostage in a relationship. Thanks but no thanks.

HIM: No no! You see, You will not be held hostage! As long as we BOTH like you and want to fuck you it's fine! Also, you won't be as important as us two, and you won't have the same rights, like dating other people, financial security, or an equal say in major decisions, BUT, I have more than enough love for you! So that even if you do give up some rights to live in our happy cocoon of love, it's no big! As long as everything goes well!

ME: Yeah, and if for any reason your wife gets jealous or insecure then you dump me right? And I'm left with nothing and no say because she's your wife and so her insecurities are going to be more important than my rights?

HIM: Well basically yeah! But you know, as long as YOU fit us well, none of that bad stuff will happen! So come on! Let's go meet the wifey and see if she likes you! By the way, how are your teeth? You look like you have some nice child bearing hips . . .

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:55 PM.