||07-03-2013 04:36 PM
This is my very first post. I'm very compelled to speak of my first poly experience and the things that happened to me and maybe why they happened. Ive been together with my spouse for 7 years, some ups and some downs but for the general life of it our times been wonderful. Poly has helped me, sometimes reluctantly to face issues in my own life. Always seeming to be looking away from my own relationship for the things i need to feel absolutly complete. Of course during this process robbing my wife of aspects of my attention that i just couldnt grant her whole heatedly. My love in its entirety. The fighting its caused is unbearable. Both parties hurting all the time. We try swinging, doesnt work. We try hooking up, still not enough. For me anyway. We try poly. Its a series of highs and lows. The riddle of my search is over.. i get it, I see what i have been looking for. I never got to experience NRE with my wife. When we met i was truely broken.. a very bad abusive relationship that nearly destroyed me. While she was in it with me, i wasnt totally in it with her. So.. i find someone that want to be in love with both of us, shes beautiful, shes caring, shes all the things one could hope for in a girlfriend. It hit me like a tidal wave... NRE. Without anything to hold be back from really enjoying it for what it is. I have to admit, i feel like a junkie, while my wife was incredibly unhappy i was wrapped up completely in it without her, i was completely selfish and blind to her pain. She had slammed on the brakes very very hard, and i just couldnt grant her that. In my mind stopping was out of the question. I wanted for her to experience the feeling i was experiencing. Like a junkie, i would have done anything to keep it, said anything, and done anything. i am in love with her, and her. Both for different reasons. My dilemma is the compromise. Im not entirely sure if poly specifically is for me, its exposed everything close to the surface, and im sure it would have continued to expose more. It helps me to realize the importance of things like balance, honesty, when to keep things in the grey area and when a whole honest truth needs to be told.