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-   -   My GF is jealous of my Wife...what do I do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49467)

newguy 07-03-2013 01:39 PM

My GF is jealous of my Wife...what do I do?
 
Ok…warning, this will be long. Also, since I haven’t posted in a while, here is an update to my situation, before I ask for your opinion on my current situation. I have a live-in GF, Sue (not her real name). Sue never knew about Poly until we met so when I told her that Kat would know everything that happens, she thought that I was lying and just wanted to cheat on Kat and she was cool with the cheating (disturbingly, this is something I found to be more common this area). So she was reluctant to meet Kat but she did, they got alone, Sue started to come over more, and about two months later, she was sleeping more at our home then hers. Now I must admit, I didn’t go into this relationship for anything other than sex and since both Sue and I have a high sex drive so this was perfect for me…then, I developed feelings and feel in love. We (the 3 of us) had a discussion about her moving in and it happened a month later. Life was great…until I start noticing that Sue was unhappy with me showing Kat affection in front of her. Then, Sue started to do little things to sabotage Kat and my marriage (this would never work because we have a GREAT line of open communication). Then we had to talk to her and let her know that my relationship with Kat could never be in danger based on her lies and that maybe this Poly thing was not for her. She assured us that she was not trying to break us up and she wanted this to work because she loved me and has never been happier in her life. This pattern repeated itself two other times before we noticed that it only happened after she had been drinking and the apology came after she was sober. We talked to her about it and we decided that we can’t have any serious conversations if any of us had been drinking. This seemed to work…until I started noticing that Sue would still covertly say little things to try to put a wedge in our relationship. Nothing blatant or outright lies, but little misleading statements. Also, Sue still get jealous when Kat and I have any kind of date night or weekend get-aways.

Now, that you have the background here is my current situation, I’m not sure how long I can stay with this situation feeling that Sue has an alternative motive. Also, my love for her is dimensioning because of this feeling (and the fact that we argue more than not). I think I should have a one on one conversation with her (Kat agrees) about my feelings. I know it may lead to a break-up but I don’t think she is prepared for this to happen. When we decided to live together (January), she had just lost her last job, her car had just died, and her lease was up on her house. Sue was unemployed for about 3 months and has had her current job for about 3 months. So, she uses our vehicles to go wherever she wants (to include work), we don’t let her pay rent (want her to save her money for her a vehicle and a savings account), and only let her contribute very little towards household items. If we were to break up, I would want her to stay at the house until she could fully support herself. The issue is that if this happens, I wouldn’t have sex with her anymore (regardless of how much I wanted to) because I wouldn’t want her to think that we are good again.

So, my questions are:

1) How do I approach the conversation about “my feeling for you have changed for the worse”?

2) If it comes to a break-up, how do I let her know that we are not trying to kick her out and we still want to help until she get on her feet?

3) Have anyone had a partner that turned into a roommate and did it work?

Thanks in advance for reading this and responding.

BlackUnicorn 07-03-2013 01:52 PM

It seems that you moved her in too quickly, without getting to know her first. That's a common poly mistake, I've done it myself.

I don't think it's a good idea for her to continue living with you. She may not want to, who knows.

nycindie 07-03-2013 02:03 PM

Well, letting her move in so soon and not pay rent was a bonehead move, and so would be continuing to let her stay after you break up. You need to tell her "It's not working out. You need AA. Out you go!" and change the locks. Geez, it always amazes me what people will put up with.

newguy 07-03-2013 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 212933)
It seems that you moved her in too quickly, without getting to know her first. That's a common poly mistake, I've done it myself.

I don't think it's a good idea for her to continue living with you. She may not want to, who knows.

Thanks for the response BlackUnicorn...not sure if she would want to or not...but we will see..and yes, 'if I knew then...' fits in this situation. I'm fairly new to poly so I expect I'll make my share of common mistakes.


Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 212934)
Well, letting her move in so soon and not pay rent was a bonehead move, and so would be continuing to let her stay after you break up. You need to tell her "It's not working out. You need AA. Out you go!" and change the locks. Geez, it always amazes me what people will put up with.

Thanks for the response Nycindie...not sure if I agree with the 'bonehead' part...Kat and I beleive in helping those that need help...we have let friends stay with up (rent free) before until they got back on their feet...this situation is different because of the relationship part but, we wouldn't hesitate in helping another friend in the same way...and since I still care for her, I wouldn't just put her out on the street thinking that she would do more sinking than swimming; that's not my style.

BoringGuy 07-03-2013 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newguy (Post 212936)


Thanks for the response Nycindie...not sure if I agree with the 'bonehead' part...Kat and I beleive in helping those that need help...we have let friends stay with up (rent free) before until they got back on their feet...this situation is different because of the relationship part but, we wouldn't hesitate in helping another friend in the same way...and since I still care for her, I wouldn't just put her out on the street thinking that she would do more sinking than swimming; that's not my style.

#bedmadelie

Marcus 07-03-2013 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newguy (Post 212932)
she thought that I was lying and just wanted to cheat on Kat and she was cool with the cheating

For future reference, this is a gigantic red flag. Unless your hope is to build relationships with damaged people, you should probably avoid bringing people into your life who are fine with cheating and lying.

This is not a polyamory specific mistake; this is a common relationship mistake.

Dagferi 07-03-2013 06:01 PM

So you managed to bring a cowgirl into your home..

BoringGuy 07-03-2013 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagferi (Post 212951)
So you managed to bring a cowgirl into your home..



This sounds like it should be on one of those Willy Wonka memes.

bookbug 07-03-2013 07:43 PM

You can only be responsible for you. You cannot be responsible for how she takes it. That is up to her. All you can do is be gently honest with how you feel and why. I expect she will vow to change, but you know after your previous conversations this is not going to happen. If she goes down that path - vowing to change - you need to stand firm and be prepared to head it off.

Given the fact that she does not currently have the means to go anywhere, she may try to stay for awhile. Sadly, I expect this will prove to be very uncomfortable for everyone. She may be sad and angry all the time, or try to get back in your good graces. What she probably will not do is simply accept the situation and make preparations to move. If she were capable of accepting the situation, she probably would not have jealousy issues in the first place.

Good luck to you!

skycladconnoisseur 07-03-2013 09:35 PM

I havent posted in years, but this is unfortunatly very familiar, very painful situation to get yourself out of. For the sake and safety of your healthy relationship with Kat, it would be best to get Sue out of your home. If Sue is making the effort to get her finances together, I dont see a problem in helping Sue find her own place, even help her out finacially or connect with her friends and family if she is too unstable to take care of herself. If she has no family or she has burned all her other bridges then you might be in for some serious psychopath problem. Unfortunatly you will need to eventually pull away from her and even have a cut off date if you are helping her financially. Your ability to help her should be based on her ability to accept that things are not going to work out. If she is going to be unreasonable or becomes destructive, just cut her loose.

I can unfortunatly confirm that people dont really change, even if they seem like they did whether I help them, I get them to help themselves, or I cut them off and stupidly try to take them back. It's not worth it to maintain anything with someone who wants nothing more than to compete and sabotage your other relationships.

I wish you a smooth transition, but be prepared for some turbulence and don't forget your priorities.

Skyclad


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