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-   -   difference between poly and commitment-phobic?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4944)

buttons 01-10-2011 10:11 PM

difference between poly and commitment-phobic??

I'm a little stuck. I don't know what I want. Shocker, for a female, right?

Well I have the great disadvantage of having Borderline Personality Disorder, which greatly affects relationships and trust. My question is, how can I know if I am really poly, or if I am simply terrified of remaining in a long term relationship that will grow boring and meaningless?

I really tried out polyamory for the first time last year, but didn't get very far before I met my bf, who chased me for months before I finally agreed to be mono with him. I struggled for the first few months, got settled, and now am relatively happy... except I keep finding myself having to restrict myself around other guyfriends, and feeling unsatisfied emotionally despite having a very affectionate and supportive bf.

I don't want to throw away a good relationship if I'm not even sure I'm poly. My bf is absolutely dead set against being poly, so it's pretty much him or poly.

Any advice on how to tell the difference? Or am I pretty much just stuck being miserable for the sake of having a solid 'happy' relationship?

MonoVCPHG 01-11-2011 12:38 AM

if you are miserable you don't have a solid relationship....you only have consistancy. If he is completely unwilling to work at this then my suggestion is both of you find better suited partners.

Indigomontoya 01-11-2011 12:55 AM

I have to second Mono on this one. The language you use: relatively, struggled, etc are all qualifying terms for your relationship. Having had a BPD ex I can tell you that it's not BPD that's giving you these feelings, if it was you would be pushing him away more than singing his praises if you are not fulfilled emotionally.

I have said it many times to people talking about being Poly, and I've told all of them that for TP to be monogamous would be restricting a large part of her personality and it would be emotionally unsatisfying for her. She and I had build up trust before I was ready to open the relationship up, but if you've given it a go and it's not working, it's not working.

RfromRMC 01-12-2011 07:11 PM

Polyamory is not inconsistent with commitment. You're committed to more than one person in polyamory, as opposed to monogamy where you're committed to only one.

I'm poly but I am totally committed to my partners.

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