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-   -   His wife ended our relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=49395)

Hetaera 07-01-2013 11:52 AM

His wife ended our relationship
 
So my lover's wife told him that if he keeps seeing me, she won't have sex with him....like if he'd like to keep seeing me for another month or so, she just won't have sex with him. WTF? I don't want to be part of that. I'm not sure how it's ok that 1 person gets to make a decision that affects 3 people. He can't tell me the specific reasons why she wants to end up so as to not betray her confidence. Of course, I'm about 99.9% sure she's read our private messages based on comments she's made. He doesn't believe she'd do that, but I do. So my privacy can be violated but hers cant? Again, WTF?

I have another lover but still. Anyway, we're still going to be friends & I'm still invited to come stay with them, we're just not allowed to have sex, which is more or less ok. I am a rational being & when emotions come into play, I understand that they are not rational. My lover & I are very close & I couldn't stand the thought of losing his friendship as much as I love the sexual part of our relationship. I did ask that we make love one last time or at least be able to spend an evening alone even if sex is completely off the table. I hope I get my wish, I feel like I need the closure. I'm glad I just came off of a great weekend with the former love of my life or I feel like I'd be even more hurt. Nothing like a little distraction to ease the pain.

This just happened last night so it's pretty fresh. I'll get over it but it's not feeling great right now...oh well. I feel like I've learned a lot from this experience. I might be a little more careful in my choice of relationships next time but I can't say that I have any regrets.

BlackUnicorn 07-01-2013 12:22 PM

So sorry to hear about your situation. Did you go into this knowing that the wife had veto power over your relationship?

Hetaera 07-01-2013 12:27 PM

I did & I tried to address it to no avail. So I knew this was a possibility & I will not allow this to happen again. Again, I have no regrets.

Marcus 07-01-2013 12:42 PM

Sorry about the break up, that just sucks and there's no two ways about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hetaera (Post 212695)
So my privacy can be violated but hers cant? Again, WTF?

She is the primary and you were the secondary; which means they don't give a shit if you get it or not. The only thing that is important is if the primary relationship is healthy. Which, of course, is total and complete bullshit.

I'm glad she showed her cards and forced you two to break up. I'm also really glad you don't intend to let this happen again. (I hope that your saying that you won't let it happen again means you'll avoid these power grab relationships in the future) I am against these types of hierarchical relationships because of this kind of crap. If some outside third party has say (to any degree) over your relationship I would call that a "lease" instead of a "relationship". That is not a good setting for flourishing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hetaera (Post 212695)
Anyway, we're still going to be friends & I'm still invited to come stay with them, we're just not allowed to have sex, which is more or less ok. I am a rational being & when emotions come into play, I understand that they are not rational. My lover & I are very close & I couldn't stand the thought of losing his friendship as much as I love the sexual part of our relationship. I did ask that we make love one last time or at least be able to spend an evening alone even if sex is completely off the table. I hope I get my wish, I feel like I need the closure.

I get why you would want this, because you're in love with the guy, but honestly it's just asking for trouble. These two have some heavy garbage to work out and I for one hope you don't get in the middle of it any further.

bookbug 07-01-2013 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 212702)

She is the primary and you were the secondary; which means they don't give a shit if you get it or not. The only thing that is important is if the primary relationship is healthy. Which, of course, is total and complete bullshit.

I agree with Marcus, because in all likelihood, while the husband may be reacting to an immediate danger to his sense of well-being - the immediate withdrawal of his wife's sexual affections, and more importantly what that signifies to the two of them - when the dust settles, he is going to resent her for it. It may also diminish her value to him over time.

Ultimatums like that do not create loving, healthy relationships.

Hetaera 07-01-2013 01:00 PM

Thanks Marcus! Veto power sucks! I told him that it made me feel like it made me feel like a 2nd class citizen.

[QUOTE I get why you would want this, because you're in love with the guy, but honestly it's just asking for trouble. These two have some heavy garbage to work out and I for one hope you don't get in the middle of it any further.[/QUOTE]

No, I think it will be ok. I love him, but I tell my other friends platonic & otherwise that I love them. I can compartmentalize & it's not like I'm going to visit them tomorrow. My other lover & I are going to go visit them at first just to make things easier on all of us. I can just be friends with him & not have sex with him if that's what you're referring to. The problem is that she doesn't see anyone else has no interest. Even though he claims to love her, I can't see why they are together. They are totally not a sexual match from what I can tell & even though that's not everything, it's pretty damn important in my book. They both believe in polyamory (in theory I guess) but she can't handle it in practice. I doubt he'll ever be allowed to have another girlfriend & I think it will eventually be the downfall of their relationship but she will never be able to satisfy him sexually or in other ways.

@Bookbug- Interesting & their relationship shit is not my problem...its their shit to work out. I doubt their marriage will last for many reasons but then again I believe that monogamy goes against human nature. He won't cheat on her, but monogamy will make him miserable & will eventually be their ruination. Again, not my problem.

Good news I have a date with a Persian woman on Wednesday....why can I never find a lover close to home?

bookbug 07-01-2013 01:05 PM

Additionally, if you continue to be in their lives, do not be surprised if sex is not the only she asks to be removed. I have been down this road. First, the wife asked for no sex - it would allay her insecurities. Then she asked for no physical displays of affection whatsoever - a chaste hug might be allowed. And this would allay her insecurities. Then she asked that we not spend any time alone together pursuing our mutual interests / hobbies - interests she did not share with her husband.

Anyway, you get the picture. No matter what she denied us, it was never enough. Eventually, she demanded he quit loving me. How the fuck does one do that?

It was very painful for me (and for each of them as well). I did not know she had veto power when I walked into the situation, and neither did the husband. She had been actively promoting polyamory.

I was absent from their lives for a year, they saw two different marriage counselors, and are now in divorce proceedings.

Vinccenzo 07-01-2013 01:28 PM

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I agree it must be hard to watch the ripple effect and know there is nothing you can do about it.

You can't make her have sex with him and that is going to cause a ripple that rocks your boat. It is highly possible its a power play. It is also possible her trust has been broken and she has chosen to not have sex with someone she can't trust. Its hard for me as a reader to know either way; lack of detail and all.

I do caution you on two points though. Unless you know for sure she snooped, you might be accusing her of something she didn't do because you're, of course and who wouldn't be, hurt and angry. I get it but it might be that he told her things and just isn't being up front with you about that. You don't say what this things are that you feel she knows.
The other is they chose a path that resulted in him ending things with you. For good or bad, this usually happens when the other relationship seems threatened or one of the partners is going outside agreed boundaries especially if it seems the person they are seeing encourages this. Encouragement like "lets do it one more time anyway" is only one example. I don't know the whole back story but make sure you're not being that encouraging to push past agreements kind of partner. If you are going to be that person, why this is happening might not be so hard to understand.

Marcus 07-01-2013 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 212706)
Ultimatums like that do not create loving, healthy relationships.

I actually laughed at this; it's so painfully obvious but still needs to be said. What a world.

And using sex as a weapon??? Yah I'm sure that relationship is lots of fun and is going to yield many years of genuine happiness. Not to mention, what kind of a person actually yields to this kind of bullying nonsense? Weak.

BoringGuy 07-01-2013 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 212726)
I actually laughed at this; it's so painfully obvious but still needs to be said. What a world.

And using sex as a weapon??? Yah I'm sure that relationship is lots of fun and is going to yield many years of genuine happiness. Not to mention, what kind of a person actually yields to this kind of bullying nonsense? Weak.



Often there is more to it than the "relationship". Particularly when there is a legal "marriage". People agree to things to preserve the tangible and intangible benefits of their partnership. For example, this "you better or else i won't have sex with you" could really mean, "if you want to keep living in this house which is owned by my family and paid for" or something like that.

I am not saying the OP's people are that way; i don't know if they are or not. They could be, it could be some other external first-world reason why people stay with each other even if they are not too happy together. Some people actually ENJOY making each other miserable and fighting all the time, it's virtually impossible to imagine them getting along with each other and/or seeking happiness elsewhere.


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